Caesium
| Caesium | |||||
| |||||
| Physical Properties | |||||
| Atomic symbol: | Cs | ||||
| Atomic number: | 55 | ||||
| Melting point: | 28.5°C | ||||
| Boiling point: | 671°C | ||||
| Isotopes: | 133Cs | ||||
| Electronegativity: | Pauling scale: 0.79 | ||||
Caesium, incorrectly spelt cesium in some cultures, is a chemical element with atomic number 55.0000000452. Our calculators are very imprecise, so take these numbers with a grain of salt. It is predicted to have a purplish-blue flame colour.
A complicated relationship[edit | edit source]
Caesium has quite the complex relationship with dihydrogen monoxide. As an alkali metal of the periodic table of elements, this is expected. In fact, it reacts the most violently out of any alkali metal. Not even francium can compare. The caesium wants to bond to its girlfriend known as oxygen. However, in doing so, it displaces the oxygen's current love, hydrogen. This forms a love triangle between the three, causing a lot of heat. This heat eventually causes a massive explosion.
Atomic clocks[edit | edit source]
The atomic clock (not to be confused with the atomic bomb or the nuclear clock) is a clock powered by tiny caesium-133 atoms (specifically, 9,192,631,770 of them). Why caesium-133? Because caesium-133 is the only stable isotope of the element in existence; the rest are far too emotionally unpredictable for the task at hand. Atomic clocks can be used for just about everything, from lunch breaks to waiting for your date to waiting for the day that the world ends. However, all three will never happen, so you'll just age into dust, and the time STILL won't come! This is because you didn't preheat it, you dumbass.
Flames[edit | edit source]
Caesium produces a bright orange flame colour, as stated by the Kansas State Board of Education. This is weird because in the intro paragraph, it was stated that the colour was purplish-blue, not orange. So what could be causing this orange flame colour rumour? Evolution? Earth? Nope. It's monkeys. Blame the monkeys for making us all think we were seeing orange. God, I hate orange now. Fuck you, orange!
History[edit | edit source]
Caesium was first discovered by one Gustav Kirchhoff circa 1860. On its discovery, Kirchhoff immediately yelled to his partner-in-crime Robert Bunsen, "BUNSEN! DID YOU PISS IN MY SAMPLE AGAIN!?" This is because Bunsen's urine is almost identical to that of caesium. It turns out, he did not, in fact, piss in Kirchhoff’s sample. It was Kirchhoff himself who did it. Caesium was named Caesium for a different reason, but it’s close enough that I’d say it’s a reference to Julius Caesar, the greatest emperor of all time.
Make sure you memorize these for the test!
*Technically an atom of Cheesium has an atomic number of four (4), but that's only for the idiotic table.