Depleted Uranium

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Depleted uranium.

“In Soviet Russia, Uranium depletes YOU!!”

~ Soviet Russia on Depleted Uranium

Depleted Uranium is a special material which is used frequently in war by the developed world and hence has several treaties banning its use. It is commonly loaded into tank shells, although a prototype flamethrower version is in development.

Manufacture[edit]

Depleted Uranium, unlike standard Uranium is depleted. It is not the abscense of Uranium, but the opposite of Uranium, so this means is that it is an un-element and un-exists. It is found in the environment and can be made artificially. To make depleted uranium you will require:

First, fire up your nuclear reactor, with the standard Uranium. When it is generating enough rads to convert downtown LA into a swamp, add your inanimate carbon rods. Since Uranium repels the carbon, the reactor will begin to heat up. Now, finally sacrafice a cow on top of the reactor to a local diety. The reactor will now explode. You will be left with Depleted Uranium. Since the Depleted Uranium after all that radiation will be semi-sentient, you will have to catch it before it flies away with the nets. All that is left to do now is pour into some casings and you are ready to take on the world!

Nutritional Value[edit]

Depleted uranium contains a hearty assortment of 27 vitamins and minerals, so it is thought that it contributes to your 5 a day. Recent tests however have indicated that it has a mildly adverse effects of the human body. Side effects include explosive vomiting and retrograde testicular implosion. It is thought in worse case scenarios, test subjects will happily use a cheese-grater to remove their face in fits of madness brought on by inhaling it.

Health Benefits[edit]

If taken in small amounts, depleted uranium has the miraculous ability to remove life from the human body. It is thought to be a quick and painful process, thus it is useful in removing infestations from public buildings. A brief government advertising campaign encouraged people to sample some, believing that it would help the deaths from disease statistic. They were correct in this assumption, the amount of people dying from disease did fall. The campaign was a resounding success and the startelingly high deaths from unknown causes stat was overlooked.

Depleted Depleted Uranium[edit]

Also known as 2D Uranium, this version of everyone's favourite war material is much more deadly, although not obtainable with today's technology. Instead, scientists have had to resort to computer simulations. From this they have found that 2D Uranium is the ultimate of all elements. Some theories even go so far as to say its the stuff god is made of. It astonishing properties allow it to be broken down into massive amounts of energy. With reaserch, this could create a weapon of monumental proportions, eliminating the need for a nuclear detterant! With high-tech computer science, it is predicted that if a bomb of 2D uranium was made, the US would give billions of dollars to the discoverer. However, the predictive computers have yet to calculate a method of manufacture - they are still calculating the sum the discoverer would get from the competing nations on Earth.

The new weapon in a fit of originality has already been christened WMD 2.0. With this weapon the strong will no longer have to keep the weak in place with a nuclear detterant, instead a new system will be formed. The weaker nations will come to fear the strong with their vastly superior weaponry. A new age of peace will begin on Earth, with 2D Uranium powering our homes and keeping us safe from the threat of global warming.

1H Hydrogen Hu Homoerectium 1/5Bm Brucium 1/2Ch Cheesium 3/4Pl Plotonium D Deuterium 1.5Py Parodymium 2He Helium
3Li Lithium 4Be Beryllium 5B Boron 6C Carbon 7N Nitrogen 8O Oxygen 9 F Fluorine 10Ne Neon
11Na Sodium 12 Mg Magnesium 13Al Aluminum 14 Si Silicon 15 P Phosphorus 16 S Sulfur 17Cl Chlorine 18 Ar Argon
19 K Potassium 20 Ca Calcium 21 Sc Scandium 22Ti Titanium 23 V Vanadium 24 Cr Chromium 25 Mn Manganese 26Fe Iron 27 Co Cobalt 28Ni Nickel 29Cu Copper 30Zn Zinc 31 Ga Galium 32Ge Germanium 33As Arsenic 34 Se Selenium 35Br Bromine 36Kr Krypton
37 Rb Rubidium 38 Sr Strontium 39 Y Yttrium 40 Zr Zirconium 41 Nb Niobium 42 Mo Molybdenum 43 Tc Technetium 44 Ru Ruthenium 45 Rh Rhodium 46 Pd Palladium 47Ag Silver 48 Cd Cadmium 49In Indium 50Sn Tin 51 Sb Antimony 52 Te Tellurium 53 I Iodine 54Xe Xenon
55 Cs Cesium 56 Ba Barium 57 La Lanthanium 72 Hf Hafnium 73 Ta Tantalum 74 W Tungsten 75 Re Rthenium 76 Os Osmium 77 Ir Iridium 78Pt Platinum 79Au Gold 80Hg Mercury 81 Tl Thallium 82Pb Lead 83Bi Bismuth 84Po Polonium 85 At Astatine 86Rn Radon
87 Fr Francium 88Ra Radium 89 Ac Actinium 104Rf Rutherfordium 105 Db Dubnium 106 Sg Seaborgium 107 Bh Bohrium 108 Hs Hassium 109 Mt Meitnerium 110 Ds Darmstadtium 111Rg Roentgenium 112 Cn Copernicum 113 Nh Nihomium 114 Fl Flerovium 115 Mc Moscovium 116 Lv Livermorium 117 Ts Tennessine 118 Og Oganesson
58 Ce Cerium 59Pr Praseodymium 60 Nd Neodymium 61 Pm Promethium 61 Sm Samarium 63 Eu Europium 64 Gd Gadolinium 65 Tb Terbium 66 Dy Dysprosium 67 Ho Holmium 68 Er Erbium 69 Tm Thulium 70 Yb Ytterbium 71 Lu Lutetium 119Ub Unobtanium 120Un Unununium
90 Th Thorium 91 Pa Protactinium 92U Uranium 93 Np Neptunium 94Pu Plutonium 95Am Americium 96 Cm Curium 97 Bk Berkelium 98 Cf Californium 99Es Einsteinium 100 Fm Fermium 101 Md Mendelevium 102 No Nobelium 103 Lr Lawrencium 121Aw Awesomnium 122Ky Kryptonite
 
Alkali Metal
 
Alkaline Earth
 
Transition Metal
 
Basic Metal
 
Semimetal
 
Nonmetal
 
Halogen
 
Noble Gas
 
Lanthanide
 
Unverifide
 
Actinide
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