“In Soviet Russia, Uranium depletes YOU!!”
Depleted Uranium is a special material which is used frequently in war by the developed world and hence has several treaties banning its use. It is commonly loaded into tank shells, although a prototype flamethrower version is in development.
Depleted Uranium, unlike standard Uranium is depleted. It is not the abscense of Uranium, but the opposite of Uranium, so this means is that it is an un-element and un-exists. It is found in the environment and can be made artificially. To make depleted uranium you will require:
- One C-grade nuclear reactor
- Access to stockpiles of Uranium
- Inanimate carbon rods
- A herd of cows or similar bovine animals
First, fire up your nuclear reactor, with the standard Uranium. When it is generating enough rads to convert downtown LA into a swamp, add your inanimate carbon rods. Since Uranium repels the carbon, the reactor will begin to heat up. Now, finally sacrafice a cow on top of the reactor to a local diety. The reactor will now explode. You will be left with Depleted Uranium. Since the Depleted Uranium after all that radiation will be semi-sentient, you will have to catch it before it flies away with the nets. All that is left to do now is pour into some casings and you are ready to take on the world!
Depleted uranium contains a hearty assortment of 27 vitamins and minerals, so it is thought that it contributes to your 5 a day. Recent tests however have indicated that it has a mildly adverse effects of the human body. Side effects include explosive vomiting and retrograde testicular implosion. It is thought in worse case scenarios, test subjects will happily use a cheese-grater to remove their face in fits of madness brought on by inhaling it.
If taken in small amounts, depleted uranium has the miraculous ability to remove life from the human body. It is thought to be a quick and painful process, thus it is useful in removing infestations from public buildings. A brief government advertising campaign encouraged people to sample some, believing that it would help the deaths from disease statistic. They were correct in this assumption, the amount of people dying from disease did fall. The campaign was a resounding success and the startelingly high deaths from unknown causes stat was overlooked.
Depleted Depleted Uranium
Also known as 2D Uranium, this version of everyone's favourite war material is much more deadly, although not obtainable with today's technology. Instead, scientists have had to resort to computer simulations. From this they have found that 2D Uranium is the ultimate of all elements. Some theories even go so far as to say its the stuff god is made of. It astonishing properties allow it to be broken down into massive amounts of energy. With reaserch, this could create a weapon of monumental proportions, eliminating the need for a nuclear detterant! With high-tech computer science, it is predicted that if a bomb of 2D uranium was made, the US would give billions of dollars to the discoverer. However, the predictive computers have yet to calculate a method of manufacture - they are still calculating the sum the discoverer would get from the competing nations on Earth.
The new weapon in a fit of originality has already been christened WMD 2.0. With this weapon the strong will no longer have to keep the weak in place with a nuclear detterant, instead a new system will be formed. The weaker nations will come to fear the strong with their vastly superior weaponry. A new age of peace will begin on Earth, with 2D Uranium powering our homes and keeping us safe from the threat of global warming.