Lawrencium
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Our lawyers (no, not the ones appointed by the judge for our, um, indiscretions, the ones we've hired to defend ourselves from lawsuits from people like you) have told us that reading this page in California is against the Californian Law Code there, and can result in imprisonment, deportation, permanent injury, death, or |
“Is that, like, for the law or something?”
“Hey, I got a Nobel Peace Prize for my bat fuck insane physics! Maybe I should make Nobel Prizium...”
“On 1967, Ernest Orlando Lawrence (“Smart Ass (Also The Plaintiff)”), a South Dakotian, filed a motion a civil rights complaint pursuant 22-30A-7 1939, alleging violations of theft. See Doc. No. 1. The United States moved to dismiss Rutherfordium’s claims to declare the 103rd element of the Periodic Table of Elements as his own, causing Lawrencium to claim that Rutherfordium had committed theft under 22-30A-1 of the South Dakotian law. The Soviet Union simply did not care.”
| Lawrencium | |||||
| |||||
| Physical Properties | |||||
| Atomic symbol: | Lr | ||||
| Atomic number: | 103 | ||||
| Melting point: | Read point below | ||||
| Boiling point: | Do the motion of using your retina to examine the information directly above | ||||
| Isotopes: | Several | ||||
| Electronegativity: | When it gets sad | ||||
| Flavor: | The judicial system | ||||
| Appearance: | A rock | ||||
| Origin: | Sweet home, California... | ||||
Lawrencium is the 103rd element of the Periodic Table of Elements, which, to be honest, is not surprising. In fact, you can bet your ass that if something ends with "-ium", it's an element. (See Stupidium, Unobtanium, and Unobtainium). It has the atomic symbol of Lr, and the atomic number of 103. It borders Lutetium, Nobelium, and Ytterbium on the periodic table of dumb elements written by fourth-graders who spend too much time on the computers, and should probably have their parents pay more attention to them. It is the last element in the Actinide series (thank god...), mostly because god couldn't think of any other elements for the Actinides. You know god also suffers from de-motivation and laziness, right? According to the mad scientists at Wikipedia, Lawrencium is cool. Sorry, all I saw on that page was the word "half-life".[1] This information is likely out of date, however, as the Onion has proven that Lawrencium is sometimes not so cool. This information is also, probably out of date, because the Onion smells bad and has also been zapped by a curse from a wizard.
Lawrencium was mostly a by-stander of the Elemental Cold War, before it turned into a Hot War, where the Americans and Soviets began to fire nuclear bombs at each other. Rutherfordium, a transitional metal, switched names from Kurchatovium, to Dubnium, before both the Soviets and the Americans agreed to Rutherfordium in Geneva, Switzerland. Lawrencium was not spared from this, however, as Lawrencium was once called "Rutherfordium" by the Soviets. The element was named after Ernest Lawrence, despite him having nothing to do with the creation of Lawrencium.[2]
History[edit | edit source]
In the great year of 1958, at a time in which Uncyclopedia and (probably) your lazy fat ass did not exist, scientists at the blue Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory claimed the discovery of Californium, even though Californium was already found in 1950 at the same laboratory, which coincidentally, was founded a century before California's creation during the Compromise of 1850, which, coincidentally, was the same time Hell was made, after Hades managed to move the entrance to the Underworld to Los Angeles,[3] hereby adding a point for the argument to nuke the southern half of California. After the LBNL realized that they hadn't made a new element, and instead just made Nobelium, which was also already discovered, they put the element that they got through synthesization and made Lawrencium.
The Soviet Union protested against this discovery, lead by the JINR, and atomic Soviet organization, whose headquarters look like that they are in the middle of nowhere, even though they are right next to Moscow. To compromise, the IUPAC (which is essentially the UN of the periodic table) claimed that both the JINR and the LBNL discovered Lawrencium... somehow.
Transfermium Wars[edit | edit source]
- Further information: Cold War
In the 1960's, in a classic episode of Elemental Geek Talking, not to be confused with Greek Elemental Talking, the Soviets and Americans decided to do the closest thing to starting the Third World War: arguing over the name of several elements that nobody uses. It should be noted however, that this is the only war in which West Germany has won, with 83.3% of their suggestions going into use. The Russians had 0%[4] of their ideas used, and the United States also had 83.3% of their ideas used, however Germany wins alphabetically.[5][6][7][citation needed][big fat lie][What the fuck?] Also Germany had most of their ideas used uncontroversially. Also Germany suggested Copernicium, Uncyclopedium, and several others, which would also be used.
Ever since the Compromise of 1992, Lawrencium has been called, well, Lawrencium by the IUPAC, mostly because the Soviet Union became the Soviet Disunion, and the Russians people had became real alcoholics with Boris Yeltsin. Ever since 1997, the Transfermium Wars had ended with a slightly formal peace treaty full of vodka, bald eagles, nazis, and everything else. Well, the Germans didn't sign it yet, because they was too busy doing German stuff, like suppressing Bavarian independence, and as such, only signed it in 2010. But now, the Transfermium wars shall continue, with the Russian invasion of Rutherfordium, and a lot of other political shit.
Characteristics[edit | edit source]
Lawrencium is either a kind-hearting angel of enforcing the law across the nation, or a selfish fucking bastard who steals your money. As stated, Lawrencium is the last element of the Actinide series, and is considered to be similar to Yttrium. Yttrium. Fucking Yttrium. At least Grade 8 dimwits who have the behaviour of a cockroach who sit on the computer all-day playing World of Warcraft confuse the atomic symbol of Yttrium as Yt, just because Ytterbium (Yb) just happened to be named after the same town that Yttrium was found in, making Yttrium barely more interesting. I mean, the Grade 9 dimwits confuse Lawrencium's atomic symbol with Lw, so... yeah. Besides its synthetic behaviour, not much is known about Lawrencium, much like many transuranium elements. Oh, but here's a funny story! I blew up my coworker's house with Lawrencium. Honestly, he deserved it. Fuck you, Lawrencium!
*sigh* Okay, deep breath.
Lawrencium survives for around 216 minutes at most, before exploding into nothingness, which, if you didn't know, is the lifespan of an average Uncyclopedian. You can make Lawrencium by using other elements that were also named after Californian things, which further proves that Californians are the most selfish species in the world.
Things that you can do with Lawrencium[edit | edit source]
- Kill it with fire.
- Read above.
- Kill it with fire.
- Read above.
- Exterminate it.
- Burn it.
- KILL IT!!!
- JUST BLOW IT UP!!!
- KILL IT WITH FIR!!!
- R—wait, no, fuck, mistype.
- Kiss it.
- Get a fatal disease from it.
- Get a fatal disease from it... by Lutetium.
- Use it to sue the rat from Ratatouille for poisoning.
- Read above.
Usage[edit | edit source]
United States[edit | edit source]
Lawrencium has been used by the government of the United States of America to destroy any other nation that they do not like (e.g. Sweden, Russia, or Chechnyaslovenia), especially during the Cold War.
Canada[edit | edit source]
In 1982, when the Constitution Act was passed, it would be decided that under the jurisdiction, all Canadian lawyers would have their brains infected with Lawrencium to sound like the lawyers they are. They say such lines as:
| “ | GUILTY!!! - Lawyer infected with Lawrencium |
” |
| “ | NOT GUILTY!!! - Lawyer not infected with Lawrencium |
” |
| “ | MAYBE GUILTY!!! - Lawyer maybe infected with Lawrencium |
” |
| “ | NOT GUILTY IN THIS OBSERVATION!!! - Lawyer not infected with Lawrencium, but with Schrödingerism |
” |
| “ | There have been approximately one hundred fifty sexvigintillion eight hundred ninety-three quinvigintillion three hundred thirty-seven quattuorvigintillion nine hundred twenty-eight trevigintillion four hundred ninety-three duovigintillion two hundred seventy-six unvigintillion thirteen vigintillion six hundred forty-nine novemdecillion three hundred fifty-four octodecillion two hundred fourteen septendecillion one hundred sixty-three sexdecillion thirty-nine quindecillion nine hundred forty quattuordecillion six hundred twenty-nine tredecillion three hundred forty-six duodecillion one hundred fifty-one undecillion seven hundred fifty-four decillion nine hundred thirty-five nonillion fifty-one octillion two hundred seventy-two septillion five hundred ninety-one sextillion two hundred fifty-two quintillion two hundred forty-two quadrillion seven hundred forty-four trillion three hundred seventeen billion six hundred nine million nine hundred fifty-seven thousand six hundred thirteen atoms placed in the observable universe.[8] Therefore, GUILTY!!! - Lawyer infected with Lawrencium |
” |
They're also especially used in—
*cough* Ahem...[edit | edit source]
Also Defendant, do you realize you've literally commented about you commiting murder against your coworker?
See also[edit | edit source]
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Coming NEVER.
- ↑ However, he DID create the building in which Lawrencium was made in... ~3 decades before Lawrencium was discovered...
- ↑ Riordan, Rick (2005). “Chapter 9: "I Am Offered A Quest"”, Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief.
- ↑ Dubnium was given by IUPAC, and although the Russians suggested Rutherfordium as Element 103, it would become the 104th element because of the Muricans.
- ↑ G>U
- ↑ United Statians, you cannot call your country "America", if the landmass that you are on are called "America".
- ↑ The Panama Canal is not a large mass of water.
- ↑ This is kind of true. Approximately 100 sexvigintilion is equivalent to 10^83, which is the amount of atoms placed in the observable universe.
Make sure you memorize these for the test!
*Technically an atom of Cheesium has an atomic number of four (4), but that's only for the idiotic table.