Lawrencium
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Our lawyers (no, not the ones appointed by the judge for our, um, indiscretions, the ones we've hired to defend ourselves from lawsuits from people like you) have told us that reading this page in California is against the Californian Law Code there, and can result in imprisonment, deportation, permanent injury, death, or |
“Is that, like, for the law or something?”
“Hey, I got a Nobel Peace Prize for winning the game of physics! Maybe I should make Nobel Prizium...”
“On 1967, Ernest Orlando Lawrence (“Smart Ass (Also The Plaintiff)”), a South Dakotian, filed a motion a civil rights complaint pursuant 22-30A-7 1939, alleging violations of theft. See Doc. No. 1. The United States moved to dismiss Rutherfordium’s claims to declare the 103rd element of the Periodic Table of Elements as his own, causing Lawrencium to claim that Rutherfordium had committed theft under 22-30A-1 of the South Dakotian law. The Soviet Union simply left the courtroom.”
| Lawrencium | |
|---|---|
| Atomic symbol | Lr |
| Atomic number | 103 |
| In the periodic table | |
 Nobelium ← Lawrencium → Rutherfordium
| |
| Physical properties | |
| Melting point | Read point below |
| Boiling point | Do the motion of using your retina to examine the information directly above |
| Isotopes | Several |
| Electronegativity | When it gets sad |
| Flavor | The judicial system |
| Appearance | A rock |
*ahem*
Lawrencium is the 103rd element of the Periodic Table of Elements, which, if you did not know what the Periodic Table of Elements is, the Periodic Table of Elements is a table full of elements, with Lawrencium being one of the elements in the Periodic Table of Elements. Little people know this fact, but if something ends with "-ium", it's most likely an element. (See Stupidium, Unobtanium, and Unobtainium). This includes Lawrencium, and thus, Lawrencium is an element. Lawrencium has the atomic symbol of Lr (which was formally Lw), and has the atomic number of 103, due to it being the 103rd element of the Periodic Table of Elements. Choquant.[1] It borders Lutetium, Nobelium, and Ytterbium on the Potentially Available Table of Elements. It is the last element in the Actinide series, because god himself couldn't think of any other elements for the Actinides. You know god also suffers from de-motivation and laziness, right? Cut him some slack.
History
In the great year of 1958, at a time in which you definitely did not exist, scientists at the blue[citation needed] Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory claimed the discovery of Californium, even though Californium was already found in 1950 at the same laboratory, which coincidentally, was founded a century before California's creation during the Compromise of 1850, which, coincidentally, was the same time Hell was made, just after Hades managed to move the entrance to the Underworld to Los Angeles.[2] After the LBNL realized that they hadn't made a new element, and instead just made Nobelium, which was also already discovered, they put the element that they got through synthesization and made Lawrencium.
The Soviet Union protested against this discovery, lead by the JINR (Joint Institute for Nuclear Research), an atomic Soviet organization, whose headquarters look like that they are in the middle of nowhere, even though they are right next to Moscow. To compromise, the IUPAC (which is essentially the UN of the periodic table) claimed that both the JINR and the LBNL discovered Lawrencium... somehow.
Transfermium Wars
- Further information: Cold War
In the 1960's, in a classic episode of Elemental Geek Talking, not to be confused with Greek Elemental Talking, the Soviets and Americans decided to do the closest thing to starting the Third World War: arguing over the name of several elements that nobody uses. It should be noted however, that this is the only war in which West Germany has won, with 83.3% of their suggestions going into use. The Russians had 0%[3] of their ideas used, and the United States also had 83.3% of their ideas used, however Germany wins alphabetically.[4][5][6][citation needed][ask your parents][What the fuck?] Also Germany had most of their ideas used uncontroversially. To add onto this, Germany suggested Copernicium, Fartium, and several others, which would also be used, proving that the Fourth Reich is real.
During the name war of several transuranium elements, Lawrencium was mostly a by-stander of the Elemental Cold War, before it turned into a Hot War, where the Americans and Soviets began to fire nuclear bombs at each other. Rutherfordium, a transitional metal, switched names from Kurchatovium, to Dubnium, before both the Soviets and the Americans agreed to Rutherfordium in Geneva, Switzerland. Lawrencium was not spared from this chaotic war, as Lawrencium was once called "Rutherfordium" by the Soviets. The element was named after Ernest Lawrence, despite him having nothing to do with the creation of Lawrencium.[7]
Ever since the Compromise of 1992, Lawrencium has been called, well, Lawrencium by the IUPAC, mostly because the Soviet Union became the Soviet Disunion, and the Russians people had became real alcoholics with Boris Yeltsin. Ever since 1997, the Transfermium Wars had ended with a slightly formal peace treaty full of vodka, bald eagles, nazis, and everything else. Well, the Germans didn't sign it yet, because they was too busy doing German stuff, like suppressing Bavarian independence, and as such, only signed it in 2010. But now, the Transfermium wars shall continue, with the Russian invasion of Ukrainium, and a lot of other political shit.
Characteristics
Lawrencium is either a kind-heared angel of enforcing the law across the nation, or a selfish bastard who steals your money. As stated, Lawrencium is the last element of the Actinide series, and is considered to be similar to Yttrium. Yttrium. Yttrium. At least Grade 8 dimwits who have the behaviour of a cockroach who sit on the computer all-day playing World of Warcraft confuse the atomic symbol of Yttrium as Yt, just because Ytterbium (Yb) just happened to be named after the same town that Yttrium was found in, making Yttrium barely more interesting. But not with Lawrencium. Besides its synthetic behaviour, not much is known about Lawrencium, much like many transuranium elements. Oh, but here's a funny story! I blew up my coworker's house with Lawrencium. Honestly, he deserved it.
*sigh* Okay, deep breath.
Lawrencium survives for around 216 minutes at most, before exploding into nothingness, which, if you[8] didn't know, is the lifespan of an average Wikipedian. You can make Lawrencium by using other elements that were also named after Californian things, which further proves that Californians are the most selfish species in the world. It's also pretty heavy, weighing at about twenty-three thousand tons.[9]
Usage
United States
In the great nation of the United States of America, where the mountains are spiky, and the hills are bumpy, Dwight David "Ike" Eisenhower would propose a plan to the current Secretary of Health, Education, and Welfare, Arthur Sherwood Flemming in 1959 about the usage of Lawrencium. A government plan was put into order about the federal usage of Lawrencium after its effects of mass knowledge if implemented into the mind were revealed to the cabinet members. On June 21st, 1960, executive orders were placed about the government orders of allowance for the LBNL to receive funding for production of more Lawrencium substances. Unfortunately, a conveniently placed banana peal caused one of the workers at LBNL to trip and drop one of test tubes containing Lawrencium. The building then exploded. No survivors were found. Besides a weasel.
Canada
In 1982, when the Constitution Act was passed, it would be decided that under the jurisdiction, all Canadian lawyers would have their brains infected with Lawrencium to sound like the lawyers they are. They say such lines as:
| “ | GUILTY!!! - Lawyer infected with Lawrencium |
” |
| “ | NOT GUILTY!!! - Lawyer not infected with Lawrencium |
” |
| “ | MAYBE GUILTY!!! - Lawyer maybe infected with Lawrencium |
” |
| “ | GUILTY IN THIS OBSERVATION!!! - Lawyer not infected with Lawrencium, but with Schrödingerism |
” |
| “ | There have been approximately one hundred fifty sexvigintillion eight hundred ninety-three quinvigintillion three hundred thirty-seven quattuorvigintillion nine hundred twenty-eight trevigintillion four hundred ninety-three duovigintillion two hundred seventy-six unvigintillion thirteen vigintillion six hundred forty-nine novemdecillion three hundred fifty-four octodecillion two hundred fourteen septendecillion one hundred sixty-three sexdecillion thirty-nine quindecillion nine hundred forty quattuordecillion six hundred twenty-nine tredecillion three hundred forty-six duodecillion one hundred fifty-one undecillion seven hundred fifty-four decillion nine hundred thirty-five nonillion fifty-one octillion two hundred seventy-two septillion five hundred ninety-one sextillion two hundred fifty-two quintillion two hundred forty-two quadrillion seven hundred forty-four trillion three hundred seventeen billion six hundred nine million nine hundred fifty-seven thousand six hundred thirteen atoms placed in the observable universe.[10] Therefore, GUILTY!!! - Lawyer infected with Lawrencium |
” |
They're also especially used in—
*cough* Ahem...
Also Defendant, do you realize you've literally commented about you commiting murder against your coworker?
See also
Notes
- ↑ Choquant is a very uncommon word only spoken by the people in a specific region which will be revealed if you keep reading this footnote, which won't actually happen because you're a dumbass for reading this text because I won't reveal where the word choquant comes from you stupid, stupid, silly man (or girl, or transgender person), probably because you can just infer where it came from, or, of course, just search it with Google, Firefox, or whatever you use. Pornhub?
- ↑ Riordan, Rick (2005). “Chapter 9: "I Am Offered A Quest"”, Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief.
- ↑ Dubnium was named by IUPAC, and although the Russians suggested Rutherfordium as Element 103, it would become the 104th element because of the Muricans.
- ↑ G is before U in the alphabet. I hope you learnt that.
- ↑ United State Citizens, you cannot call your country "America", if the landmass that you are on are called "America".
- ↑ The Panama Canal is not a large mass of water.
- ↑ However, Ernest Lawrence did create the building in which Lawrencium was made in... ~3 decades before Lawrencium was discovered...
- ↑ Means you. Dumbass.
- ↑ In nuclear physics (aka elementology), an element is called heavy if its atomic number is high enough. The term "super-heavy elements" typically refers to elements with atomic number greater than 103 (although many geeks dispute with this definition, saying that super-heavy elements are elements that have the atomic number of above 100 or 112; and sometimes, the term is used in the same way as the term "transactinide", which puts an upper limit before the beginning of the hypothetical superactinide series). Generally, most scientists consider Lawrencium as the first super-heavy element, and the one that disagree are frauds. By the way, there is nothing funny about this footnote.
- ↑ This is kind of true. Approximately 100 sexvigintilion is equivalent to 10^83, which is the amount of atoms placed in the observable universe.
