Iron
“Iron, how incredibly...IRON-IC ”
“Hand me the eight iron! ”
“Iron? Why the hell is it Iron? My suit is made of gold-titanium, damn it!”
Iron, or to give it its full name, iron de havilland, is a strong metal that is most well known as being used by God to create Led Zeppelin. It has an atomic number of 26, meaning that each Iron has exactly 26 atoms in it, with the exception of obese iron molecules which can weigh up to 500 kilos. In chemistry, Iron is denoted by the symbol Fe. A common misconception is that this stands for Ferrum, the latin word for Iron. In fact, it symbolises the well-known French adage "Fuck (zee) Eenglish" which shows their general sentiment on the subject. As a metal with a high electrotaboogaly value it is susceptible to rust, but it is incapable of feeling love. It is commonly used to build stuff because of its metal-like properties. Cavemen have known about Iron since the Stone Age. Particularly smart scientists have managed to write down what they were able to comprehend from the writings of caveman professors, but in recent times the use of the metal has increased a thousandfold. While Iron is commonly used, it has never really been understood. It is lost and hungry, and yet humans use it to span rivers rather than provide it with food and shelter.
History[edit | edit source]
Iron is often thought of as Man's fifth-greatest achievement, although it is used so much in daily life. This is unfortunate, as it narrowly misses out on inclusion in Fred J. Man's' List of Four Greatest Inventions, which would have granted Iron the celebrity status that it feels it deserves. Many scientists, historians and cavemen cite Iron as one of the factors leading to modern society for the simple reason that the invention of Iron led to a dramatic increase in efficiency in a caveman's ability to beat his cavewoman. This, of course, led to him having more free time to do other things, such as inventing democracy, apologising for beating his cavewoman, sleeping on the sofa, and making nice fossils for us to find.
Because it is relatively soft compared to its bigger and stronger metal brothers (and sister Germanium), Iron was one of the first metals enslaved by the evil humankind that sought to use it for their own ends. They used it to make sharp pointy things, helping them be very persuasive in arguments. This was the point in history where humankind lost the ability to settle an argument with actual logic and sense, and began the trend we see today of bullying smaller people.
In the year , Chinese Emperor Nasi Goreng decided to build a great wall to keep out dinosaurs, rabbits, and other nasty things. Rather than use the material which had led to his success (the iron from which his grand armies of clay had their weapons made from), he decided to build the Great Wall of China out of simple stone. Cavemen have often cited this as one of the main reasons why the Imperial Chinese did not manage to take over the world. When asked to comment on the success of this at a press conference, Iron remained suspiciously silent, giving the impression that it was hiding something.
Much later, Soviet Russia attempted to learn from history by making what was known as the Iron Curtain, an idealogical wall which was completely impenetrable by non-communist people (i.e. normal people). Initially this was a great success because no enemies were able to enter; however, it had the unforeseen effect of not allowing any Communists out, until the concentration was so great they induced fusion.
Dmitri Mendeleev was responsible for first stealing the idea of Iron and confining it within a table of other elements for his own evil gains. However, Iron was able to break free to participate in the events of the Great Periodic Table Wars (see Periodic Table), where it was of great asset to the mighty forces of Boron.
Properties of Iron[edit | edit source]
- Irony: Iron used to have one of the highest irony values of any metal. However, this property (read: joke) has been overused to the extent that Iron is now ironically inert.
- Alloys: Iron is able to form very strong alloys because of its tendencies towards being homogeneous (i.e. homosexual). This is because it is very lonely.
- Patriotic: Iron is the metal of choice for Iron Man, which lead to the lyrics to the popular Black Sabbath song: "I am IRON MAN nananananana na IRON CAN".
- I'on: Varies between 3- and 2+, determinable experimentally by a d20 die roll (for the purposes of high school examinations only, actual results vary, please consult this year's version of the rule book).
- Medicinal: Doctors say that you should eat raw Irons every day to keep healthy. They suggest ingesting it solid, as drinking liquid Iron at 2862 °C may cause serious heartburn and/or a loss of bladder function.
- Miracle Cure: Iron can possibly cure lupus, which is why it is unfortunate that IT IS NEVER LUPUS
- Tasty: See: The Iron Chef.
- Colour: The red of Iron Oxides is the reason that Mars looks so bitchin'. This red colour is attributed to the oxide IRon Weasly
- Sexuality: Iron has many less sexual connotations than Steel. See: Properties of Steel
- Ductility: Iron is much less ductile than Steel, whose duck impressions are the greatest out of all the metals. However, it has been known to form Pig Iron, which is basically the same thing.
- Crafting: Iron ingots can be crafted into pickaxes, axes, swords, and hoes, as well as iron armor, and many other useful creations which can be found here.
Modern Attempts at Understanding Iron[edit | edit source]
More modern attempts at understanding Iron have generally lead to failure, or, as the French would say, "what always happens".
At exactly 3:30 midnight on Fry-day 32nd Smarch, 19-2000, a team of dedicated scientists from the unfortunately named group known as Team Go Go Scientastic! decided that they would spend millions of dollars of taxpayer's money in order to better understand Iron. The result, due mostly to lousy Smarch weather, was a diary of utter nonsense written by a homeless man named Fred. It dealt less with the theme of Iron and more with the escapades of the laboratory's mutant bear-tiger, who had a thirst for human blood and Tacos. More recently, the writer of this journal has made a public apology for the diary that continually defined Iron as: Iron.y ( P ) Pronunciation Key (Ed.Ir.Omy)
n.
Any of several small striped terrestrial squirrels of the genera Tamias and Eutamias, especially T. striatus of eastern North America.
Upon interrogation (with knives), the man admitted to have been kitten huffing at the time of writing, and accepted that he was, in fact, Bat Fuck Insane. He was later shipped to Arkham Asylum in a boat made of Iron, which sank and drowned him in liquid water. How's THAT for Irony?
Make sure you memorize these for the test!
| 1H Hydrogen | 2He Helium | ||||||||||||||||
| 3Li Lithium | 4Be Beryllium | 5B Boron | 6C Carbon | 7N Nitrogen | 8O Oxygen | 9F Fluorine | 10Ne Neon | ||||||||||
| 11Na Sodium | 12 Mg Magnesium | 13Al Aluminum | 14 Si Silicon | 15 P Phosphorus | 16 S Sulfur | 17Cl Chlorine | 18Ar Argent | ||||||||||
| 19 K Potassium | 20 Ca Calcium | 21Sc Scandinavium | 22Ti Titanium | 23 V Vanadium | 24Cr Chromium | 25 Mn Manganese | 26Fe Iron | 27 Co Cobalt | 28Ni Nickel | 29 Cu Copper | 30 Zn Zinc | 31 Ga Gallium | 32 Ge Germanium | 33 As Arsenic | 34 Se Selenium | 35 Br Bromine | 36Kr Krypton |
| 37 Rb Rubidium | 38 Sr Strontium | 39 Y Yttrium | 40 Zr Zirconium | 41 Nb Niobium | 42 Mo Molybdenum | 43 Tc Technetium | 44 Ru Ruthenium | 45 Rh Rhodium | 46 Pd Palladium | 47Ag Silver | 48 Cd Cadmium | 49In Indium | 50Sn Tin | 51 Sb Antimony | 99Te Tedium | 53 I Iodine | 54Xe Xenon |
| 55 Cs Caesium | 56 Ba Barium | 57-71 La-Lu Lanthanides | 72 Hf Hafnium | 73 Ta Tantalum | 74 W Tungsten | 75 Re Rhenium | 76 Os Osmium | 77 Ir Iridium | 78Pt Platinum | 79Au Gold | 80Hg Mercury | 81 Tl Thallium | 82Pb Lead | 83Bi Bismuth | 84Po Polonium | 85 At Astatine | 86Rn Radon |
| 87 Fr Francium | 88 Ra Radium | 89-103 Ac-Lr Actinides | 104 Rf Rutherfordium | 105 Db Dubnium | 106 Sg Seaborgium | 107 Bh Bohrium | 108 Hs Hassium | 109 Mt Meitnerium | 110 Ds Darmstadtium | 111 Uuu Unununium | 112 Cn Copernicium | 113 Nh Nihonium | 114 Fl Flerovium | 115 Mc Moscovium | 116 Lv Livermorium | 117 Ts Tennessine | 118 Og Oganesson |
| 119Un Uncyclopedium | 120 Ub Unobtanium | 121 Aeo Awesomnium | 122Fa Fartium | 123St Stalinium | 124Ob Obamium | 125Sl Stalloneium | 126 Ad Adamantium | 127 Vb Vibranium | -1SuStupidium | 1/5Bm Brucium | 1/2*Ch Cheesium | 3/4Pl Plotonium | 4.5Op Opium | ∞Hu Homoerectium | |||
| 57 La Lanthanum | 58 Ce Cerium | 59Pr Praseodymium | 60 Nd Neodymium | 61 Pm Pentium | 62 Sm Samarium | 63 Eu Europium | 64 Gd Gadolinium | 65 Tb Terbium | 66 Dy Dysprosium | 67 Ho Holmium | 68 Er Erbium | 69 Tm Thulium | 70 Yb Ytterbium | 71 Lu Lutetium | |||
| 89 Ac Actinium | 90 Th Thorium | 91 Pa Protactinium | 92U Uranium | 93 Np Neptunium | 94Pu Plutonium | 95 Am Americium | 96 Cm Curium | 97 Bk Berkelium | 98 Cf Californium | 99 Es Einsteinium | 100 Fm Fermium | 101 Md Mendelevium | 102 No Nobelium | 103 Lr Lawrencium |
*Technically an atom of Cheesium has an atomic number of four (4), but that's only for the idiotic table.