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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Iron.
Iron in its purest form.
Iron, how incredibly...IRON-IC

Oscar Wilde on Iron

Hand me the eight iron!

Tiger Woods on camera, ordering another poor victim to smash against golf balls

Iron? Why the hell is it Iron? My suit is made of gold-titanium, damn it!

Iron Man on Iron

Iron, or to give it its full name, iron de havilland, is a strong metal that is most well known as being used by God to create Led Zeppelin. It has an atomic number of 26, meaning that each Iron has exactly 26 atoms in it, with the exception of obese iron molecules which can weigh up to 500 kilos. In chemistry, Iron is denoted by the symbol Fe. A common misconception is that this stands for Ferrum, the latin word for Iron. In fact, it symbolises the well-known French adage "Fuck (zee) Eenglish" which shows their general sentiment on the subject. As a metal with a high electrotaboogaly value it is susceptible to rust, but it is incapable of feeling love. It is commonly used to build stuff because of its metal-like properties. Cavemen have known about Iron since the Stone Age. Particularly smart scientists have managed to write down what they were able to comprehend from the writings of caveman professors, but in recent times the use of the metal has increased a thousandfold. While Iron is commonly used, it has never really been understood. It is lost and hungry, and yet humans use it to span rivers rather than provide it with food and shelter.


Unfortunately, idiots have found Iron to be an effective weapon against Feminism

Iron is often thought of as Man's fifth-greatest achievement, although it is used so much in daily life. This is unfortunate, as it narrowly misses out on inclusion in Fred J. Man's' List of Four Greatest Inventions, which would have granted Iron the celebrity status that it feels it deserves. Many scientists, historians and cavemen cite Iron as one of the factors leading to modern society for the simple reason that the invention of Iron led to a dramatic increase in efficiency in a caveman's ability to beat his cavewoman. This, of course, led to him having more free time to do other things, such as inventing democracy, apologising for beating his cavewoman, sleeping on the sofa, and making nice fossils for us to find.

Because it is relatively soft compared to its bigger and stronger metal brothers (and sister Germanium), Iron was one of the first metals enslaved by the evil humankind that sought to use it for their own ends. They used it to make sharp pointy things, helping them be very persuasive in arguments. This was the point in history where humankind lost the ability to settle an argument with actual logic and sense, and began the trend we see today of bullying smaller people.

In the year , Chinese Emperor Nasi Goreng decided to build a great wall to keep out dinosaurs, rabbits, and other nasty things. Rather than use the material which had led to his success (the iron from which his grand armies of clay had their weapons made from), he decided to build the Great Wall of China out of simple stone. Cavemen have often cited this as one of the main reasons why the Imperial Chinese did not manage to take over the world. When asked to comment on the success of this at a press conference, Iron remained suspiciously silent, giving the impression that it was hiding something.

Much later, Soviet Russia attempted to learn from history by making what was known as the Iron Curtain, an idealogical wall which was completely impenetrable by non-communist people (i.e. normal people). Initially this was a great success because no enemies were able to enter; however, it had the unforeseen effect of not allowing any Communists out, until the concentration was so great they induced fusion.

Dmitri Mendeleev was responsible for first stealing the idea of Iron and confining it within a table of other elements for his own evil gains. However, Iron was able to break free to participate in the events of the Great Periodic Table Wars (see Periodic Table), where it was of great asset to the mighty forces of Boron.

Properties of Iron[edit]

  • Irony: Iron used to have one of the highest irony values of any metal. However, this property (read: joke) has been overused to the extent that Iron is now ironically inert.
  • Alloys: Iron is able to form very strong alloys because of its tendencies towards being homogeneous (i.e. homosexual). This is because it is very lonely.
  • Patriotic: Iron is the metal of choice for Iron Man, which lead to the lyrics to the popular Black Sabbath song: "I am IRON MAN nananananana na IRON CAN".
  • I'on: Varies between 3- and 2+, determinable experimentally by a d20 die roll (for the purposes of high school examinations only, actual results vary, please consult this year's version of the rule book).
  • Medicinal: Doctors say that you should eat raw Irons every day to keep healthy. They suggest ingesting it solid, as drinking liquid Iron at 2862 °C may cause serious heartburn and/or a loss of bladder function.
  • Miracle Cure: Iron can possibly cure lupus, which is why it is unfortunate that IT IS NEVER LUPUS
  • Tasty: See: The Iron Chef.
  • Colour: The red of Iron Oxides is the reason that Mars looks so bitchin'. This red colour is attributed to the oxide IRon Weasly
  • Sexuality: Iron has many less sexual connotations than Steel. See: Properties of Steel
  • Ductility: Iron is much less ductile than Steel, whose duck impressions are the greatest out of all the metals. However, it has been known to form Pig Iron, which is basically the same thing.
  • Crafting: Iron ingots can be crafted into pickaxes, axes, swords, and hoes, as well as iron armor, and many other useful creations which can be found here.

Modern Attempts at Understanding Iron[edit]

Iron has been known to make Maidens of particularly high quality.

More modern attempts at understanding Iron have generally lead to failure, or, as the French would say, "what always happens".

At exactly 3:30 midnight on Fry-day 32nd Smarch, 19-2000, a team of dedicated scientists from the unfortunately named group known as Team Go Go Scientastic! decided that they would spend millions of dollars of taxpayer's money in order to better understand Iron. The result, due mostly to lousy Smarch weather, was a diary of utter nonsense written by a homeless man named Fred. It dealt less with the theme of Iron and more with the escapades of the laboratory's mutant bear-tiger, who had a thirst for human blood and Tacos. More recently, the writer of this journal has made a public apology for the diary that continually defined Iron as: Iron.y ( P ) Pronunciation Key (Ed.Ir.Omy)


Any of several small striped terrestrial squirrels of the genera Tamias and Eutamias, especially T. striatus of eastern North America.

Upon interrogation (with knives), the man admitted to have been kitten huffing at the time of writing, and accepted that he was, in fact, Bat Fuck Insane. He was later shipped to Arkham Asylum in a boat made of Iron, which sank and drowned him in liquid water. How's THAT for Irony?

1H Hydrogen Hu Homoerectium 1/5Bm Brucium 1/2Ch Cheesium 3/4Pl Plotonium D Deuterium 1.5Py Parodymium 2He Helium
3Li Lithium 4Be Beryllium 5B Boron 6C Carbon 7N Nitrogen 8O Oxygen 9 F Fluorine 10Ne Neon
11Na Sodium 12 Mg Magnesium 13Al Aluminum 14 Si Silicon 15 P Phosphorus 16 S Sulfur 17Cl Chlorine 18 Ar Argon
19 K Potassium 20 Ca Calcium 21 Sc Scandium 22Ti Titanium 23 V Vanadium 24 Cr Chromium 25 Mn Manganese 26Fe Iron 27 Co Cobalt 28Ni Nickel 29Cu Copper 30Zn Zinc 31 Ga Galium 32Ge Germanium 33As Arsenic 34 Se Selenium 35Br Bromine 36Kr Krypton
37 Rb Rubidium 38 Sr Strontium 39 Y Yttrium 40 Zr Zirconium 41 Nb Niobium 42 Mo Molybdenum 43 Tc Technetium 44 Ru Ruthenium 45 Rh Rhodium 46 Pd Palladium 47Ag Silver 48 Cd Cadmium 49In Indium 50Sn Tin 51 Sb Antimony 52 Te Tellurium 53 I Iodine 54Xe Xenon
55 Cs Cesium 56 Ba Barium 57 La Lanthanium 72 Hf Hafnium 73 Ta Tantalum 74 W Tungsten 75 Re Rthenium 76 Os Osmium 77 Ir Iridium 78Pt Platinum 79Au Gold 80Hg Mercury 81 Tl Thallium 82Pb Lead 83Bi Bismuth 84Po Polonium 85 At Astatine 86Rn Radon
87 Fr Francium 88Ra Radium 89 Ac Actinium 104Rf Rutherfordium 105 Db Dubnium 106 Sg Seaborgium 107 Bh Bohrium 108 Hs Hassium 109 Mt Meitnerium 110 Ds Darmstadtium 111Rg Roentgenium 112 Cn Copernicum 113 Nh Nihomium 114 Fl Flerovium 115 Mc Moscovium 116 Lv Livermorium 117 Ts Tennessine 118 Og Oganesson
58 Ce Cerium 59Pr Praseodymium 60 Nd Neodymium 61 Pm Promethium 61 Sm Samarium 63 Eu Europium 64 Gd Gadolinium 65 Tb Terbium 66 Dy Dysprosium 67 Ho Holmium 68 Er Erbium 69 Tm Thulium 70 Yb Ytterbium 71 Lu Lutetium 119Ub Unobtanium 120Un Unununium 121Aw Awesomnium
90 Th Thorium 91 Pa Protactinium 92U Uranium 93 Np Neptunium 94Pu Plutonium 95Am Americium 96 Cm Curium 97 Bk Berkelium 98 Cf Californium 99Es Einsteinium 100 Fm Fermium 101 Md Mendelevium 102 No Nobelium 103 Lr Lawrencium 122Ky Kryptonite 123St Stalinium 124Ob Obamium
Alkali Metal
Alkaline Earth
Transition Metal
Basic Metal
Noble Gas
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