- This article is about argument dispute. If you're looking for function argument, look at Argument (function).
- Nope. This article is about argument in a function. If you're looking for argument dispute, look at Argument (dispute).
- This is an ambiguation page. You can help the Uncyclopedia by messing it up.
“A thing is, according to the mode in which one looks at it.”
“This isn't a page about arguments!”
Argument is a kind of dispute involving two or more persons trying to achieve, first all, then the most possible, parameters passed to a function call. One should care about any phone call, as long as it can be one's next argument. The next argument in a function with a variable number of parameters is passed through a pointer. One should always get home before one's clock pointers reach the appointed time.
- 1 Kinds of Arguments
- 2 Argument Data Types
- 3 Arguments that Convince
- 4 Rules for Arguments
- 5 How to Win an Argument
- 6 And Another Thing
Kinds of Arguments
- By value: When you argue with someone you think is overvalued.
- By reference: When you argue with someone because you've heard another person saying bad things of the former.
Arguments in a function are beautiful. Argument in a function is on the tabl...
Of course this article is about argument dispute. Argument in a function doesn't deserve an article in the Uncyclopedia .
Argument Data Types
Argument data types can vary from the most simple to the most complex. They depend mostly on who is exchanging data. For example, in a wife-husband data exchange relation, the data types can be of the types bellow:
- You don't love me anymore.
- I'm the only one who does any work around here.
- You aren't sexy anymore.
- I'm the only one here who breastfeeds the children.
These data structures can hold a lot of information, such as if one should suspect the other of having another family.
So far, these types of data are always passed to a function to make it return an error, and this error is used against the function in court.
Arguments that Convince
Arguments that convince are used to win an argument. Since arguments were invented (by Donald Knuth) to be won or to be lost, using arguments that lead to a common interest will make you sound like a loser, so you must always use arguments that convince.
Rules for Arguments
There's nothing like a good argument, is there? Or is there? No? Why not exactly? Got a problem with that? Some people seem to want an argument with everyone they meet while others will do anything within their power to try and stop even a teensy one breaking out at all. I say 'watch out'. There's a big difference between the refreshing boost of a good debate and the potential physical and mental damage you can cause to yourself if you tell that bloke outside the kebab shop that his shoes make him look like the fucking twat he is. So for future reference, here is a little guide to the sorts of arguments you could get into with friends, family, neighbours and even strangers you've taken a sudden and violent disliking to:
1. Petty Disagreement
Ranging from the seasoned squabblings of housemates cooped up like prisoners together for a little too long to the long rumblings of a pointless debate about some long forgotten piece of trivia you're going to have to look up sometime these arguments are the dullest of the lot. The main factor to notice here is that nothing of any interest or importance ever actually gets said at all, unless the argument progresses into another category, in which case the subject matter will switch around to something else entirely. These petty disagreements are the human equivalent of 'Moo,' 'Baa' or 'Meow,' just noises to make sure everyone's still there. If it's that or walking along / sitting in silence having to think about stuff... it's your choice really but bear in mind one day you may run out of things to disagree about. If you like you could try agreeing about things (often good but equally cul-de-sac-esque), reading, having sex, TV or even writing purposeless articles at 6am when you've got stuff to do the next day.
2. Heated Debate
Slightly more interesting these, the mitigating factor being that the participating parties actually have a disagreement of some interest. This type of argument is balanced, mature, enjoyable and experienced on an annual basis. The points argued are the considered views of the participants on a subject they care about but do not take personally at all. This last point is important when one of the participants is inevitably tactless enough to move the discussion onto something considered insulting to the other. Fortunately most discussants are too stable and thoughtful to do anything so stupid. In the unlikely event of this happening, you can easily have a number 3 or 4 argument on your hands.
3. Power Game Debate
I'm sure we've all come across a few people who view life as a constant competition between the strong and the weak involving a whole social strata of domination and submission, like a modern version of the class system in which status is not defined by "breeding" and money but by an advanced form of school bullying. People who believe this tend to either be either worthless tosspots who get immense pleasure from putting everyone in 'their place' or fatalistic doormats willing to let the former trample over them. If one social climber is left on their own everyone will hate and ignore them, which hurts nobody as they are usually too focused on being arrogant and aloof to notice. Occasionally two meet and have a blazing row about something nobody else really gives a flying shit about. It's really best to leave them to it and hope that the loser gets a little fucking perspective from the experience.
4. Emotional Argument
There's always a point in some little debate or misunderstanding when the opportunity arises for somebody to put their foot right in the proverbial 'it' and accidentally dredge up real emotions. Though more common in people involved in some sort of relationship (a minefield for arguments in general) even people who are barely acquainted can get into a situation like this with enough alcohol being consumed. First there is the initial offence, then a short break while the hurt sinks in. Next the offended party will bring it up again and all hell will break loose for a good hour or so, with the possibility of ancient disputes being brought up on both sides. Eventually, with a little luck, both will suddenly be very sorry they started it in the first place and they will make up and promise never to argue again. If there is some kind of sexual relationship involved, which is fairly likely, there may even be makeup sex. Without resolution though, it could be The End.
5. Slanging Match
When irritation is raised to a high enough level, such as when someone throws eggs all over your living room for no apparent reason and refuses to clean them up or acknowledge anything wrong has been done, an argument may be less than what is required and a full blown slanging match may break out. Alternately you may be a furious crack-addict searching for that next hit of sweet sweet crack and provocation may take the form of somebody breathing sarcastically or being somewhere you were planning to walk in the near future. Either way you have reached the edges of argument country and begun meandering around the border with shit-kick land. Rational debate having long ago been thrown out of the window the actual words exchanged are likely to be instead based upon the sturdy pillars of condemnation ("You're just a spoilt little shit..."), prejudice ("...you fat ginger cunt..."), arrogance ("...you know there's only so much I can take from you...") and violence ("...I should just take you outside and punch your fucking lights out."). Still, can be enjoyable, right? A good burst of testosterone never hurt anyone, yeah? Well see if you can say that when you're spitting your teeth into the sink. But if you win... what have you proved exactly? That in defiance of 4000 years of human culture the one with the hardest kick and most effectively unleashed pent-up rage is always right? That you're a dangerous gangsta with a very very short fuse, feared and hated by everybody, especially your friends? That you're going to have to become a professional fighter or risk a hernia by the age of 30? More likely the only thing proved is the existence and continuation of a dumb little spiral of violence.
6. Arguments in C
7. Arguments in Pseudo-Code
The only importante rule is to never pass a pointer, because if you're able to pass a pointer you'd program the code directly into a programming language.
How to Win an Argument
Dating back to ancient Greece, arguing well has been valued. Socrates, for instance, in his rousing Apology, spoke with logic and honesty, which managed to get him convicted and subsequently executed by a jury of his peers. They voted twice. He lost both times. Don't make the same mistakes as he did when arguing, namely:
1) Socrates used logic.
- When arguing, the best defense is a good offense. Proving your opponent's point wrong is useless, as current politics have proven. You are much better off using some type of incendiary or explosive device to win an argument. If your opponent is dead, he cannot argue against you. This method has been in vogue - and effectively so - for at least 8000 years.
2) Socrates spoke the truth.
- Another mistake of most arguers is their penchant for truth. Lying is like literally having every weapon you can imagine. Has someone proven you wrong with well-reasoned argument? Spread a nasty rumor, truth be damned. Is Julie smarter than you in math class and you want to get back at her? Start a fight in the hall and let your imagination carry you to the most hurtful words imaginable. The power is yours, and remember, the main purpose of an argument is to hurt the other person's feelings. The more they cry, the better.
3) Socrates argued against an idea, not his accusers.
- If the person you are arguing against has your respect, will they ever admit that they are wrong? Probably not. Instead you will end up shamed. Don't let this happen to you: for maximum effectiveness, use words like fuck, dickhead, and the all-important fag in an endless salvo of personal attacks that would make George Carlin cringe. Calling into question your opponent's sexuality, their mother's sexual tendencies, mother's sexual orientation, mother's sexual promiscuity, father's sexual orientation, sister's sexual tendencies, or father's ability to perform sexually will produce an instant "touché" (which is rhetorical speak for a kick to the nuts). A weak argument with a number of these words instantly becomes much stronger. For example, observe the following closing remarks at a recent highschool debate:
Debater 1: And furthermore, the decision to invade Iraq was wholly justified. The evidence was there and based on the threat our president saw at the time, enumerated heretofore by my colleagues, the decision was necessary and the danger immediate. Thank you.
Moderator [turning to the other team]: Response?
Debater 2: Fuck, man. Are you kidding? What the fuck is a heretofore? You bunch of shits just wanted to kill some shit so you went over there and killed some fags. There, I said it. You're not so brave when I'm talking, huh? Why so quiet? Well you guys are just a bunch of fags. And so's your dad - yeah you right there, your dad likes men. Homos, all of you, and so is the girl, don't think I don't see her down the end. You guys are a big bag of dicks [shows middle finger to other team]. Thank you.
- Needless to say, the team whose closing remarks were made by Debater 2 won by a fair margin. Just from these closing statements it is easy to see how much more effective the latter argument is. The final epithet, "bag of dicks," is a particularly arcane, yet caustic, arguing tool. Some say it works every time when well placed. Be wary not to overuse, however.
As a general rule, the number of times you say fuck and fag is directly proportional to your success rate. This has become a tenant of modern theoretical physics. The equation can be found on Wikipedia.
And Another Thing
Nobody ever lends money to a man with a sense of humour.