Surprisium
 Surprisium reacting with Fartium | |
| Surprisium | |
|---|---|
| Atomic symbol | Ah |
| Atomic number | 122 |
| In the periodic table | |
| Physical properties | |
| Melting point | 370K |
| Boiling point | Whenever the fuck it wants to K |
| Isotopes | 233 |
| Electronegativity | Nobody cares |
| Flavor | Scared |
| Kinkiness | High, but only on cocaine |
| Appearance | Cool or scary solid[Quit stating the obvious, dick] |
“Why, that is surprising!”
Surprisium, commonly known as the Element of Surprise, is the only atomic element known to sn- JESUS FUCK! As I was saying, sneak up on people. It is also known to appear in unexpected situations or events.[No shit, Sherlock] It is the 42nd element in alphabetical order from Fartium. Because of this, whenever Douglas Adams is within a 24 foot radius of Surprisium, something surprising happens.[No fucking shit, Sherlock]
Discovery[edit | edit source]
Surprisium was discovered in 1983 by a scientist (read: janitor) from MIT attempting to find a way for the Boston Red Sox to win a World Series. However, the closest they got was a ground ball[Hehe! Balls!] rolling past the first baseman in the wrong half of the inning.[Fuck you, Buckner!] They wouldn't get a chance to test again until 2004, when they were unable to use Surprisium for a sudden absence of the element, which had been taken by time travelers to supply the aftermath of 9-11, the dicks.
Properties[edit | edit source]
Surprisium owns several lakefront houses in Maine, a beachside cottage in the Outer Banks, a cabin in Montana, and a permanent residence in Denver. They also- FUCK! What the hell! You really need to behave yourself! As I was saying, they own 20 acres of forest in Vermont, a 200 acre ranch in Wyoming, and a small plot of desert in Nevada, adjacent to where they do Burning Man. Due to this, large quantities of Surprisium are found when Burning Man takes place.
Chemical Properties[edit | edit source]
Surprisium is similar in appearance to Moron and Boron, even though it is in no way related to them. Melting at only 370 Kelvin, it can be melted in a microwave on the "popcorn" setting. One should not attempt to use Surprisium as popcorn or popcorn dressing. Or do it, I don't give a fuck. Hell, use it as a dildo or something.
JESUS H. CHRIST ON A FUCKING BICYCLE! STOP FUCKING SCARING ME!
Surprisium reacts negatively with Moron, and large amounts of Moron in contact with Surprisium makes, well let's just say, very unhappy explosion time.
Uses[edit | edit source]
Surprisium is often used to- GAH! What the actual hell, man? Anyways, it's created and combusted rapidly whenever somebody gets surprised or sees something surprising.[No shit fuckers, Sherlock] A large dose can be harmful or even fatal to most people. Symptoms of Surprisium poisoning include heart attacks, heavy breathing, penis loss, attempting to cut oneself's head off with a chainsaw, and becoming gay and moving to San Francisco. Large doses are often used in suicide attempts. This is counterproductive, and often causes one to lose their penis or become gay as Oscar Wilde and Mr. Winkler at a winery. Or even both, but that's a fate worse then getting used as a grue's sex toy. Surprisium is also used excessively in the unknown parody of Wikipedia Uncyclopedia called Encyclopædia Dramatica. Encyclopædia Dramatica articles contain lethal amounts of Surprisium. The onlyway to combat these levels of Surprisium is to apply the mythical antidote called bleach. The bleach must be at least a gallon, and should be applied to the eyes, genitals, and the rest should be consumed in a 50/50 split anally and orally.
Uses Worth Something[edit | edit source]
Unless you want to become gay, move to a dumb city, and/or die.
Conclusion[edit | edit source]
Well, I've run out of stuff to say. Weren't you surprised it was so short? That's what we were going at here. So in conclusion, Surprisium is a versa- HOLY SHIT! You scared me! Wait, you wish I was dead? That's surprising, I've been nothing but nice to you! Is that a knife? No! NO! NOOOOOO! AAAAAAA-
