Moron (particle)

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“Ignorance is the mother of stupidity. Moronic behaviour is the least favourite uncle.”

~ Confucius on the science of being a moron

A moron is a special kind of elementary particle. The moron is classified as massless and with a spin of "dizzying". Morons are thought to normally travel at the speed of light, though it is possible to render them inert and motionless by passing them near cold beer. In String Theory, Morons are believed to be composed of Dubliner cheese and are believed to be the messenger particle which represents unity (one unit) of the weak force Stupid, hence are the elementary particle of negative information.

Discovery[edit | edit source]

Morons were first detected by the immortal Hugo Wedun. He was working at the local particle accelerator. As he looked around he noticed that everybody was fleeing in panic. Then he saw why: the nuclear reactor was about to blow! Then he realized that particle accelerators don't have nuclear reactors so he was very confused. Apparently there had been one all along and he didn't notice it.

Suddenly, there was a tremendous explosion. The particle accelerator was severely damaged, but Hugo was not, due to his immortality. Out of the accelerator leaped a visible stream of red, blue, and pink. Hugo realized that this was the long-sought messenger particle of the weak force! MORONS! But in a few moments, the entire place blew up.

Hugo wrote of his findings, but scientists were skeptical. There was no way to reproduce what Hugo had found except by overloading nuclear reactors, which nobody wanted. Panic struck the world when a mad scientist declared he was going to do just that. We're not sure what happened after that.

Industrial production of Morons[edit | edit source]

Two more conventional methods of collecting morons now exist. The first is described as the simple emission of morons, by morons, and first came to light in a freak accident on the 20th March 2003 when George W. Bush entered the vicinity of a particle detector. It is currently understood that morons are continually emitted by people with a high IQ (idiot quotient). The rate of emission of these particles is dependent on a number of variables including IQ and recent moronic thought, which are multiplied by the 'Religious Ideologue' constant. This is the standard method of collection, used extensively in Texas and Northern Ireland. The main supplier of Morons is Texas, collecting and distributing up to 395 GigaMorons a year, accounting for 95% if the world's utilised Morons.

The second method, although it is less ethically sound and has been banned by many governments, is much more efficient than the first and is caused by a negative change in intelligence state. The rate of emission depends on the rapidity of the change, and may be permanent, or temporary. This can most easily be expressed by a series of examples. A rapid, permanent change is typified by any plane crash, outside America. In this instance the resulting expulsion of morons may cause spontaneous disintigration of the aeroplane and even combustion of the wreckage. An example of a slow, permanent change is the decline of an young man, into an old man, and eventually becoming a tramp, which is generally accepted as the lowest possible intelligence level for a non-moron. A rapid, temporary change may be observed in the chugging (rapid imbibation) of whiskey, or another hard liquor. A slow, temporary change may be experienced at home, by getting slowly and quietly drunk (on cider, rather than beer), preferably while watching reality tv.

Uses[edit | edit source]

Morons play a crucial role in the theory of Quantum Murphydynamics.

Morons are used to put on light shows. The photoweak effect causes morons to emit photons under certain conditions, like those after the nuclear reactor blew.

"Morons 2" will be out on the PlayStation 3 in the Summer.

In scientific contexts, morons are used for ultrasensitive detection, using a device known as a moron telescope. These are incredibly accurate and let you see individual quarks.

By cooling moron's to very low temperatures with cold beer, you can make them slow down, or even stop. They remain in this slowed down state until the "hangover" effect wears off. Thus some people put a bunch of morons into a bucket and then dump the bucket on someone's head, for fun. There are plans to construct a moron park, like a water park, except with morons. (Inert morons act like a liquid.) The best part of that is that the photoweak effect usually doesn't occur, so the morons are usually invisible. Imagine swimming in an invisible liquid!

The instantaneous production of a huge number of morons is suspected by some scientists to have been the cause of the sinkage of the fishing village of Belfast in 2010, creating the world's deepest hole. Others speculate that God did it, in a vain attempt to find a geographically aposite location for what has been universally declared as '...a vacuum for science, art, culture, etc...'

Hazards[edit | edit source]

WARNING: If you aim morons directly at someone's eyes you could blind them, or make them stupid. Angry and stupid.

WARNING: Do not excite morons, otherwise they can be electivly charged, which can cause a chain reaction in other moron-dense materials, leading to dangerous elective discharges.

See also[edit | edit source]