Dark matter

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“Possible proof that God is dead, though he was alive and kicking last night.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Dark Matter
Dark matter (artist's rendition).

Dark matter is what normal matter becomes after it has been lost, misplaced or otherwise becomes irretrievable. Dark matter is said to largely consist of socks, kittens, car keys and WMD.

Origins[edit | edit source]

Artist's rendition of Dark Matter again, but magnified ten thousand times.

Physics teaches us that the universe, over time, tends from order into disorder. This is expressed in the fundamental law of entropy, which states that "ninety percent of everything is crap." Dark matter seems to be a stage between light, fluffy matter and utterly useless black matter. Indeed, Quantum Murphydynamics tells us that normal matter tends to turn into dark matter whenever this is most inconvenient.

Scientists invented dark matter when they tried to weigh the Universe. They discovered the Universe was a lot heavier than they thought, so they thought real hard and decided there must be an invisible undetectable form of matter called dark matter, although dark matter detectors deep underground have never found anything many scientists believe its the most likely explanation. A good analogy of this is to imagine a some doctors measuring the weight of a lady. The lady doesn't look very fat, but the scales say she weighs one tonne! The doctors think really hard about this strange dilemma and realise that there must be lots of invisible, undetectable, extremely dense fairies inside the lady's stomach, although after many X-Ray scans, CAT scans, MRI scans they never found anything, though many doctors agree that fairies are the most likely explanation.

Gray matter, the stuff inside the human cranium, is matter halfway into this entropic conversion, as "old age and treachery will out over youth and idealism."

However, Bill Nye the Science Guy advanced an alternate theory on television, having nothing to do with gray matter, that the cosmos is like a big recycling center that does good new things with dark matter, much as plants find a use for all that wheeze that we breathe out. And Carl Sagan, who shed no light on dark matter, opined that this conversion could happen "billions and billions of times."

The importance of dark matter is its effect on property values when the neighborhood starts accumulating it. However, Flint, Michigan, a regional center of dark matter, seems to be an exception; home values are firming up since the Department of Urban Renewal ceased renewing and started bulldozing.

Research[edit | edit source]

More dark matter. The reader should gaze at this image for an hour and then answer: What one word best describes dark matter?

Most interest in dark matter is derived from its potential in weaponry. If one side could render a battlefield dark at will, it could ensure victory. It would be an especially great boon to the United States, whose army does nothing any more except sit in huge tents and type on laptop computers to operate drones. Total darkness would mean that they could see more clearly their flimsy little screens, while the enemy (for whom the nearest thing to battlefield technology is generally a wristwatch) could not see anything.

It turns out that the Bush administration sent Joe Wilson to Libya not to investigate "yellowcake"--this was a cover story to throw the Rooskies off--but whether Saddam Hussein was actually trying to acquire stocks of dark matter for use against allied troops. Indeed, when the U.S. invaded Iraq, it found caches of flashlights, candles, fireworks, and other countermeasures--but never the dark matter itself, casting doubt on the rationale for war.

Consequently, the American people fully embraced dark matter with the election of Barack Obama. The White House and the Department of Justice are now chock full of dark matter, and gray matter has still not been in evidence at any time in living memory.

Uses[edit | edit source]

In computing[edit | edit source]

A dark-matter family portrait (artist's rendition). Dark Matter's mother, father, sisters and uncles would look like this. If they existed.

Most computer problems are caused by dark matter, including all the problems classified as PBKC ("Problem Between Keyboard and Chair"). Microsoft announced a patch that would solve all such problems in 2001, but developers produced Halo instead. Instances of PBKC occur to this very day.

The notorious BSOD ("Blue screen of death") is also caused by dark matter. Dark matter forms on the computer motherboard when lost settings and de-linked files assemble in one place and blot out the light. This makes the computer exhibit inexplicable behavior. In extreme cases, Microsoft Windows remains stable for more than a few hours, when you expect it to crash and ruin your editing.

As a fertilizer[edit | edit source]

Not only is "the grass always greener on the other side," but the concentration of dark matter in your neighbor's garden is higher than in yours. The dark matter promotes growth and greenness in your neighbors' garden. This owes to all the garden tools he has borrowed from you over the months. The most common remedy is to break in and get your stuff back, stealing a few shiny things in the process by way of "charging him rent."

Criticism[edit | edit source]

Numerous religious fundamentalists and intelligent design advocates have criticized the discovery of dark matter as a scientific mistake, or, worse, a hoax. Here are some of the more common points made against it:

  • Civil rights organizations: ...have not commented, because any time they try to the universe accelerates past the speed of sound, preventing anyone from hearing them.
  • Diet argument: The Universe can't be expanding, because people are still able to slim down by dieting.
  • Stellar argument: Stars produce so much light that they light up the Universe, preventing anything dark like dark matter from existing.
  • Intelligent design argument: It has been proved that the Universe has an intelligent designer because of the existence of woodpeckers, bombardier beetles and gaps in the fossil record. Such an intelligent designer would not have created a universe that would just end up falling apart.
  • Theocosmological argument: It has been proved that God loves us because he has created an entire universe just for us to live in. Such a god would not have created a universe that would just end up falling apart and killing everyone inside it.
  • Emotional argument: It just can't be that way!
  • New age argument: Dark matter is not homogenous throughout the Universe. Experiments conducted by expert psychics and yogi have shown that dark energy exists only in people who Hate. these people must be Saved from Hate by the geobioneuromagnetic Healing Energy of Love and Peace, and of Yoga.

See also[edit | edit source]