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“Kinda tasty”

~ Ray Mears on Being a fat bastard

The Badger feeds exclusively on human ankles and sawdust. Badgers pretend to be helping you, and will produce Blue Peter videos of trading the uk horse racing markets. This is the badgers way of catching it's prey, & luring novice traders into buying it's poor value products & tipping services. Badgers also like to walk in the park instead of producing genuine trading videos, and get terribly offended when other traders are more successfull. The badger will kick up a turd storm for the slightest reason, and will persistently abuse his moderator status by banning real traders from the forum when they either demand a refund, or wise up to his sucker marketing campaigns.

History[edit | edit source]

hah hah hah typical badgers

We are not exactly sure how Badgers evolved, but they may have come from some sort of cat-like animal, most likely a cat, but similar to the cat-like animal from Dagobah. Some scientists have discerned that the Badger came to Earth from space with flaming mushroom thrusters from their anuses. They were able to do so because the Badger exists as both a particle and a wave. This allows them to travel through a vacuum without accumulating much lint.

Regardless of this, Badgers came to Earth by traveling through space from Uranus. But they were embarrased at being from Uranus so they lied and said they were from Uzbekistan, a small country in the northern hemisphere. At first, they had no idea where the hell they were or what they were going to do. Eventually, over many hundreds of years, Badgers discovered how to walk, which is a very complex mode of transportation which involves moving your legs across the ground, thus moving your entire body. A few more thousand years after this, Badgers discovered how to run.

Because the Badgers were too smart to figure out how to eat and drink or defend themselves from predators such as giant koalas and snails, many of them died out. But a few of them survived. The Badgers soon discovered how to eat and drink food, using their mouths to lap up the water and their teeth to chew on the food. To defend themselves from predators, Badgers invented the automatic rifle, a snake which fired .56 calibre bullets. Over many thousands of years, the automatic rifle evolved into the automatic slingshot, then the automatic pea-shooter, and finally into the most destructive weapon that we know on this planet today - the wooden spear.

With new ways to survive, the Badgers began to grow again. Soon their numbers grew and grew, until soon millions of badgers roamed whatever country they first originated on. After a couple of minutes, the badgers invented the languages that we know today, including English, French, German, Italian, Spanish, and Igpay Atinlay. Since they were now able to speak, the badgers talked to each other and decided to create buildings. After another couple of minutes the badgers discovered how to build basic structures, such as huge skyscrapers. The skyscraper eventually evolved into the hut as we know it today.

Then the badgers began to create cities using these new methods of construction. They built many large cities in the country that they originated from. After a few decades, they got bored of the country and destroyed all of the cities with the recently-invented pea-shooters, which were extremely powerful weapons, but are nowhere near as powerful as the wooden spear. The only badger city remaining is rumored to be Toronto Canada, but this has yet to be proven.

So then the badgers invented ships. The design of the first ship was incredibly complex - a bathtub which was put in the water with an outboard motor on the back. The badgers had recently discovered that bathtubs could float. Then the badgers sailed to different parts of the world in their ships. They landed on different countries and built huge cities on them. After a snake, the leaders of the badgers decided to send different badger language groups to different countries. The badgers who spoke German went to Spain, the badgers who spoke Italian went to the United States of Mushroom, the badgers who spoke English went to France, and so on. This decision eventually created a new type of large-scale combat, called war.

Badgers are the first species that has cultivated the iTree and harvested its fruit of iPods. For what purpose they did this still remains a mystery, as iPods are quite useless for building with, and aren't very good to eat.

Some people claim that the word badger comes from the ancient Anglo-Jewish word badgeber meaning one who likes to dig holes. Badgers were first discovered in the ancient Polynesian town of Go-Go-Go-a-lot where the main language is Swahili. Their favorite type of badger is the wladger which is a common Irish badger bred with a worm and and a Vietnamese leopard.


Badgers are very intelligent animals. Their fur is gray above and black on the under parts with a distinctive black and white striped face and white-tipped ears. European badgers are around 70 cm long with a tail of about 20 cm and weigh 10 kg on average.

Badgerites[edit | edit source]

Badgerites are a unique species of badger that emit Badger Waves. They are similar to other badger species in appearance, but have been known to eat snarks. Badgerites do not generally smell of elderberries. The equation for calculating Badger Wave resonance is: (4) = Qf x Δ. In this equation (4) is the universal symbol for Bader Waves, Qf is the abbreviation for the quail factor, and Δ represents velocity.

Wars[edit | edit source]

World War I was a great age for badgers, since so many new technologies had to be created to kill other badgers. It was in this year that the wooden spear was created. After creating this marvel of technology they developed radioactive bombs, but after mistaking them for eggs most of them were eaten by badgers. That is how Super Badgers were created.

Some intelligent badger scientists in Germany soon created the aeroplane. The first aeroplane was basically a snake with wings and a propeller on the front. Badgers who were trained to fly these snakes could sit inside the cockpit and, using some controls, pilot the aircraft. The German Army soon fitted aeroplanes with wooden sticks and sent them on missions to destroy other countries.

However, the badgers overlooked one major detail: Snakes were one of the badgers' main predators. The snakes being used to create the aeroplanes started a major revolt, halting the badgers' World War I efforts until it could be calmed. After several days of negotiation, it was decided that the snakes would help the badgers' wartime cause, but only if the wings and propellers were fitted onto the badgers instead, and the snakes were allowed to control them from the cockpit. Hence, snakes on an aeroplane.

The badger-aeroplanes of Germany attacked and destroyed many cities with their deadly wooden spear weapons. But soon, a German aeroplane crashed near the city of New York, in Iraq. The American badgers examined the wreckage of the aeroplane and figured out how to build them. They built their own aeroplanes out of kittens and fitted them with weapons and sent them to defeat Germany. More German and American aeroplanes crashed in other countries during attacks, and other badgers created their own aircraft out of small, furry animals. This was how the aeroplane was born. After World War I and World War II, it was discovered that aeroplanes would be much more durable if made from reinforced steel rather than fluffy woodland critter flesh. Some badger scientists still view this discovery as ridiculous.

Soon the American badgers won World War I, using their newly-created tanks (fashioned from a large water gun on treads by famous Wisconsin badger Buckingham U.) and giant lollipops to defeat the other countries. But despite the fact that millions of brave soldiers had died, as well as millions of civilians, World War I was a great age for all. New technologies were discovered, such as the light bulb and the cheesecake. About half a year after World War I had ended, the German badgers wanted a cheesecake against the Americans. The German and American badgers didn't want to destroy their own countries, so they had the war in the middle of Africa, killing millions of Indian badgers. The Indian badgers decided to join the war as well. Other countries followed. Even more technologies were discovered in World War II, such as the Internet and coffee machines. During World War II, the British badgers had invented the missile, which was a large rocket with a wooden spear on the end of it. The missile could be launched at any other country. It was a devastating weapon, and still is.

Soon after the war, the Americans had a great idea - to fly a plane high into the sky and see what would happen. They sent a pilot up in a plane, but the plane never returned. The Turkish badgers soon invented the telescope. The American badgers looked through a telescope and saw the plane orbiting the Earth in a strange black sky. So they sent a missile up to blow up the plane. The missile destroyed the plane, but kept going through the strange black sky, toward some strange giant balls which were soon called "planets". The strange black sky was called "space". So then the American badgers modified a missile and put an unintelligent, monkey-like animal called a human inside it. The missile flew up into space, went around the whole universe and came back a few minutes later, but crashed into the city of Baghdad, in the United States, and destroyed it.

Badgers have long been involved in a violent dispute about grazing rights with the world's cattle. Their plan to eradicate their enemy through the spread of bovine tuberculosis backfired when a number of farmers witnessed them injecting cows with the disease and running away shouting "That'll teach you to befoul my lawn after I've spent half the morning cutting it".

The Great Possum Badger War

It has recently been discover that Badgers and Possums fought an enormous war in which 80% of the original possum civilization was wiped out, and 76%percent of badgers met their end. For more, see The Great Possum Badger War

Badgers have been warring against the barnacles since 1182, and would have won if not for the aforementioned war with Possums which tied up most of their resources.

Badgers in Space[edit | edit source]

So the Americans sent a badger up into space. The badger went up in one of the modified missiles and flew around the universe, before landing safely back on Earth. The badgers had conquered space. With the badgers bored of wars and having conquered space, they had nothing else to do. So they began to invent useful things, like staplers and the ever-useful penis. Soon, badgers could buy pet humans in pet shops, and delicious human arms, human brains and other yummy treats from candy shops. the badgers soon began to research science too, and their research has proved that liquidating a humans penis and inserting it into a penguins anus, can transmogrificateulise it into a very large, moving, fish-hunting snorkel.

Aeroplanes and ships carried millions of badgers a day around the world, to other countries. There were elections for new presidents and prime ministers of countries, which many badgers enjoyed. Millions of badgers spent their lives watching TV and playing on computers. About two of about five billion badgers around the world did the newly-discovered art of "exercise". School was created to waste badgers' time and their parents' money.

Politics[edit | edit source]

Badger politics takes place in a framework of a federal parliamentary representative democratic constitutional monarchy, whereby the King of the Badgers is the Head of State and the Prime Ministerial Badger is the head of government in a multi-party system. Executive power is exercised by the government. Federal legislative power is vested in both the government and the two chambers of parliament, the Badger Senate and the Chamber of Badgers.

Badger political institutions are complex. Since around 1970, the political parties have split into distinct representations for each communities' interests besides defenders of their ideologies. These parties belong to three main political families: the right-wing Liberal Badgers, the social conservative Christian Democratic Badgers, and Socialist Badgers forming the left-wing. Other important newer parties are the Green Badgers (concerning primarily with demanding the relocation of badgers made homeless by motorway construction) and, nowadays mainly in the Watford area, the nationalist and far-right parties such as the Badger National Party (BNP) and the United Badger Independence Party (UBIP), which are concerned primarily with advocating the genocide of human beings. Majority rule is often superseded by a de facto confederal decision-making process.

Notable Badgers[edit | edit source]

  • Decker (Humanoid badger): a once half-orc cleric adventurer now noticing that, due to a strange potion he found on the floor of his local wizard's hut, he now has the power to disguise himself. Unfortunately, he can only remain a badger for pi hours at a stretch.
  • Ronald Reagan: The current President of Iraq. He has so far been running the country very well, apart from an incident where he "accidentally" almost destroyed the world. He was born in the year 2000 and is 25 years old.
  • The Right Badgers: The first badgers to fly an aeroplane. They also invented the aeroplane.
  • The Wrong Badgers: They tried to create the plane but failed, so they invented the giant lollipop instead.
  • Henny Fjord: The creator of the first car. Also the founder of the Ford car company.
  • Usein Ervin: The badger who found out how to eat using his mouth.
  • Noil Strongarm: The first badger to eat Cheetos while taking a dump... in space!
  • BadgerX3: A badger band, known well for a song of mushrooms and mushrooms and having a fear of snakes.
  • M* r. Peaceman: The founder of the the U.N, or the United badger forces Nuclear weapons launching department, who launch and create new nuclear weapons.
  • 1661543286: The badger who created the first manned space vehicle. Also the founder of NASA, the National Atomic bomb and nuclear weapons Systems Association.
  • Gamebox: A famous Japanese badger, who created the food "sushi". He is also the founder of the Nintendo game systems company, which has created game consoles such as the Nintendo 62, the Super Nintendo 62, the Nintendo 62 Boy, the Nintendo 62 Boy Advance, the Nintendo 62 Cube and the new hand-held Nintendo 62 Boy Advance DS.
  • 6112731818: A badger who created the Sony company, which designs and sells useful appliances such as televisions, stereo systems, game consoles and porn magazines.
  • Badger464: Outspoken badger living around the northern parts of the U.K. towards the end of the twentieth century and early 21st.
  • Gill Nates: The founder of Macrosoft, a company which designs and sells computer systems and software. Their best-selling software is that used for creating and viewing porn websites. They also may have created the Internet browser you are viewing this page in. Macrosoft has also created the XCube, an advanced games console.
  • Dreve Sterwin: An Australia badger, who is famous for the sport of human hunting. He can hit a human with his wooden spear from over a kilometre away.
  • Soppamäyrä: A legendary Finnish badger, who is most likely to be found from the night clubs of Tampere city. Soppamäyrä has invented the sauna, produces half of world's fresh water, uses vodka as fuel and is equipped with a large wooden spoon.
  • The All-Powerful Badger: A strange creature that some say is imaginary, and some claim to have seen with their own eyes. It is said to have mystical powers that allow it to cling to clothing and areas covered in loop-side Velcro. Legend has it that the first person to see this magical creature was a deranged poet from Sweden, nowadays known only to his cult followers as 'Dafool'. His followers believe, as their ancient leader did, that one day The All-Powerful Badger will rise up to conquer the Earth, and take the Human race into slavery.
  • Belgroin: The badger that created the Cloaking Disguise, a machine that allows for him to somehow look like a human, through some sort of magical hologram or something. Is considered by all to be a myth, but the net nerds like Anso the lame and Tim the radioactive all claim that he is a complex government conspiracy agent, trying to keep his invention out of the hands of the French.
  • Cornelius T. Badger, Esquire: The worlds first hermaphrodite xenomorphic badger. He/She/It invented the InterWeb after an alcohol induced coma. He/She/It currently resides inside Yer Ma.
  • Mr Waller: The world's first half-badger. His dad was a badger and his mom was a whore.
  • Badger: Wind in the willows starlet and perpetually grumpy old badger, modeled himself on Foggy Dewhurst from Last of the summer wine.
  • Ruth Badger: Entrepeneur, bi-sexual and all round rough un, can often be found in Kebab houses at 3 am, providing simple pickings for men/women playing pull the pig
  • Badger O'Toole: notable west of Ireland badger species, found in bars being sound.
  • Honey badger: Extremely ferocious group of killer badgers ripping human men testes away for fun and revenge (mostly of how they were named).
  • Super Badger: A badger with special powers determined to rid the world of hedgehogs.
  • David Bowie: Although he may appear to be a human, David Bowie is undoubtibly a badger. It is thought that Bowie (real name Barry Badgerson) had reconstructive facial surgery in 1969.

Looking for Badgers[edit | edit source]

Looking for Badgers at Clapham Common is a popular nightly pastime amongst British Members of Parliament. The practise has fallen out of favour after several Members of Parliament were buggered by badgers and had to resign. Jess hole is a famous badger, she likes being a badger and thats about it really, sorted.

The Badger Song[edit | edit source]

Out in the woods
Up to no good
I wanna make friends with the badger
The woodchuck likes me
We smoke PCP
I wanna make friends with the badger
I mean it!
I wanna make friends with the badger
For real!
I wanna make friends with the
Wanna make friends with the
Wanna make friends with the badger
Get drunk with owls
Drop acid with cows
I wanna make friends with the badger
I'll stand on my head till I'm legally dead
I wanna make friends with the badger
From the heart
I wanna make friends with the badger
You know it
I wanna make friends with the
Wanna make friends with the
Wanna make friends with the badger
I wanna make friends with the badger [x2]
The badger's your friend!
Make friends with the badger!


The badger's your friend!
I wanna make friends with the badger
Climbing the trees
Spreading disease
I wanna make friends with the badger
I wouldn't lie
I wanna make friends with the badger
He's my buddy
I wanna make friends with the
Wanna make friends with the
Wanna make friends with the badger
I wanna make friends with the badger [x2]
The badger's your friend!
Make friends with the badger!


The badger's your friend!
Make love to the badger!
The badger's your friend!
I wanna make friends with the badger
Smoking the leaves
I do what I please
I wanna make friends with the badger (BlbBlbBlb)
I wanna make friends with the badger (AAAAHHHH!)
I wanna make friends with the
Wanna make friends with the
Wanna make friends with the badger
I wanna make friends with the badg...

Fun Facts[edit | edit source]

  • Anyone who wears a badge, or in some cases a scarlet letter, may be considered a badger.
  • Badgers rule the world and Newport Free Grammar School.
  • Badgers are very brave. This is known as Badger Courage.
  • In court, an attorney can call an objection due to "badgering the witness". This occurs when opposing counsel throws a badger at the witness on the stand for giving an answer that is not simply black and white.
  • Badgers were also frequently known to carry chainsaws or little rubber duckies. Badgers had been known to maul small babies viciously and without warning. Although they may apologise afterwards, this is usually out of courtesy; never approach one unarmed and without ninja backup.
  • Badgers are rather fond of jelly. Consumption of exorbitant amounts of red jelly is said to induce super-powers, and lime-green jelly is the only way to quash the new breed of Super Badgers.
  • One internal Organ of the male badger is the Badgerus Fundamentum. It is located just behind the sternum and gives the badger all his magical powers, like being able to rip through someone's skin without tearing their clothes.
  • Albanian Badgers are the type most commonly used in scientific experiments. This little known breed is often mistaken for a common raccoon, and even many Zoologists cannot distinguish between the two without examining the markings on their undercarriages.
  • Badgers have black and white stripes because they were invented before colour television.
  • It has been said that badger urine is the crucial ingredient in plum wine.
  • Badgers cannot reproduce sexually. In fact all badgers are clones of each other, which is why they all look the same. Their cloning facility is located on the Isle of White in giant underground base. If you do see any badgers having sex, don't be fooled. They are only doing it to try and lure you in close enough to take your body and use it to create new badgers. It is said that because all badgers are clones they have no souls.
  • If you give a badger a cookie it will want some radioactive milk.
  • If a badger sees you, it will kill you.
  • Poking a badger with a spoon is an original sin
  • In prehistoric times in the 1800s, badgers were revered as gods to the Egyptians, Incans, and Romanians.
  • Badgers like mashed potato
  • Cats and badgers are mortal enemies.
  • Penguins taught badgers to fly.

No more badgers?[edit | edit source]

Is this a badger?

It is generally believed that all the world's badgers were wiped out in the Badger Purge of 1971, and they no longer walk the Earth. However, in 1997 a photograph (see right) was sent to the Uruguayan National Vombatiforme Institute. This appears to show a badger accidentally caught up in a line being used to tow a small automated wig-making factory behind a hydrofoil. The Institute initially issued a statement that badgers seemed to have survived the Purge by taking to the sea; this was retracted amid claims that the creature in the photo is in fact the corpse of a pregnant llama illegally jettisoned by an Albanian freighter.

“Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Badger, Mushroom, Mushroom!”

Pissed-Up Badgers[edit | edit source]

As well as eating just about anything else, badgers are fond of rotting fruit. This is because rotting fruit ferments, and the badger becomes intoxicated on the alcohol. A pissed-up badger is just about the thing you'd least like to meet.

External Links[edit | edit source]

  • Badgers are keen football fans and are all thought to support England. They made a short film to celebrate their victory in Euro 2004. [2]
  • Badgers are in fact all Newcastle fans it is believed that the species originated on the Island of Newcastle hence the name the 'Magpies'
  • For more info, please view this short flash documentary on badgers and their relation to shrooms and snakes. [3]
  • Badger is also the nome de needle of one of the most influential tattoo artists in the world. see Skintats
  • In somewhat more recent news, the Iraqi populace near Basra have accused the British occupying forces of releasing "massive man-eating badgers" into the area around the airport. One woman claims she was bitten by what scientists are calling the "milk badger", so-called because this particular species was tested in the Krushnevyan Mountain Goat Racing's entry to the Annual Race to Impregnate, after the team's original entry, the Y-1 Racing Goat, died of complications arising from alcoholism, drugs, and, it is believed, a heart attack caused by a particularly steamy phone sex call. The Algerian llama recipient could not be reached for comment. In any case, the badgers ultimately failed to even reach their objective, being distracted by some small children eating ice cream. The children were subsequently eaten, and the disgraced badgers were given to the Brits as a Christmas present. The Brits took them to Basra for vacation, and they escaped.

See Also[edit | edit source]