“Snails cannot speak. Speech is life. Snails have no life.”
“Ah, snails – the perfect thing to win over my English girlfriend!”
“Must go faster!”
Snails are rich slugs who can afford housing. Essentially, a snail is the equivalent of a capitalist scum American imperialist flaunting its superior living condition in the poor slug's face as the slug tirelessly eats cabbage in your garden. Alternatively, a snail is the equivalent of a hard-working slug achieving the American dream, thanks to the grace of God and Sam Walton. Snails are also hermaphrodites. This means that all snails that they mate with are people of the same gender as them. So snails are, basically all gay.
Contrary to popular belief, when snails poop they do not asplode.
The snail song[edit | edit source]
Economic importance[edit | edit source]
Snails are an important part of several vital world industries.
- One of the three elements of which boys are made: see also snakes and puppy dog tails;
- One of the four food groups of France, where it is known as escargôt;
- The snail is also the official mascot of the snail mail delivery service worldwide.
- Snail Slime$trade; is used in South America, Mexico and Spain as a powerful adhesive. In France, the same product is sold as a beverage.
- Snail is a spammer on the Hard Light and SectorGame forums, though he was blasted into oblivion on the former.
- SNAIL is an acronymn from the Swedish government which stands for Swedes Need Americas Imperialist Lifestyle.
- Snails are currently being used for the mass production of giant ice creams under the Sneerie Sneto™ company.
Culinary use[edit | edit source]
Snails have been served up as tasty treat in France for centuries. Napoleon was a major consumer of this shelly Gastropod and they helped him to conquer half of Europe. "Wizout ze snail ... few tile!" he remarked. The popularized image of Napoleon with his hand tucked into his jacket has much to do with Napoleon's love of the tasty slimy treats. He consumed so many snails that the snail slime actually excreted itself through the pores of his stomach into his uniform. He often placed his hand into his uniform top to stop the transfer of slime to his uniform.
The snail shortages of the early 19th century had a damaging effect on the French army and eventually led to Napoleon's downfall. In the modern era, snails are often fried in a little garlic and herb sauce for a tasty treat.
Snails are also rich in antioxidants which can prevent scurvy but only if eaten on a Wednesday. If snails are eaten on a Thursday, they may cause headaches, dizziness or even death.
La Sin[edit | edit source]
The French have long feared the coming of a final revenge upon their civilization. George Lopez prophesied that in the year 1999, the Snails would bring their revenge upon the French people, and destroy them forever. This would come to be known as "La Sin". The letters of "La Sin" can be arranged into "Snail" by someone who is obese. When the year 1999 came, millions of French people committed suicide in fear of "La Sin". Those which did survive were surprised to find out, like so many other apocalypse theories, that nothing happened when the year 1999 dawned. Prophets would later say they were just kidding and that La Sin would still happen, but in the year 1998.
Distribution[edit | edit source]
French[edit | edit source]
L'escargôt rapide is one of the world's fastest snails. One variety has been known to ooze at speeds of more than fifty two-hundred and sixtieths of a mile per hour. The record land speed for any snail is a whopping nine-tenths of a mile per hour, achieved by a contingent of French Army Snails fleeing from the Brits. However, some sources claim that this should be considered a negative number because the snails were retreating.
Scottish[edit | edit source]
Scottish snails have been hunted to near extinction through the ancient bloodsport of Quiching.
Forumite[edit | edit source]
Forumite snails are usually annoying and spam in every board they can. They are very slow however, and can easily be banned. This point is controversial, as some forumite snails are known to be able to produce more accounts faster than any land animal, because they are hermaphrodites.
Evolutionary history[edit | edit source]
Snails are believed to have originated from Brian Epstein's left nostril. He was surfing in Antarctica, his homeland, when a gigantic skunk filled platypus from Mercury stepped on Epstein's toe. Epstein cried out in pain, after which a snail fell out of his nose. Days later, a llama fell out of his nose, followed by a moose. Scientists are currently monitoring the situation, as a single sneeze from this guy could result in a disastrous number of new species forming on the planet.
Their future[edit | edit source]
Starting in 2010 snails will be used to make blue tefillin. Some believe that in 1845 B.C. there was a snail uprising which killed the dinosaurs, but idiotic people like "scientists" and "historians" say it was a meteor, which is obviously bullshit.
See also[edit | edit source]