Frog
FROG is the divine being that created our universe. An omnipotent yet benign lifeform who presides over humanity, guiding them and loving them deeply.
Huh? What are you talking about? Frogs are those little slimy things that live in ponds. They're amphibians.
Amphibian? Yes, that's right. FROG is from the planet of Amphibia, a distant world many light years away, which resides in the centre of a supermassive black hole.
No, I mean they can survive on the land and in the water.
FROG can survive anywhere. He is Almighty.
Right...
Physiology
FROG has been interpreted in many different forms of visual art. A common depiction of Him, which some believe to be His true form, is that of an old man - a muscular but kind-faced human male with a beard the length and breadth of his mighty torso.
No, you're thinking of Sandy Claws.
Many believe that FROG and Sandy Claws are one and the same.
Really?
Some believe. I however know FROG's true appearance, I am one of the few to have witnessed the greatness that is FROG.
So what was that like?
A beautiful light flashed, then dark, then I felt as though I had fallen into a dream. A star appeared before me, just in the hallway it was, where I was checking the post. It was bright and the colour of a lime. It's soft green glow seeped through my skull and touched my brain, then I felt a tickling sensation. After that I knew all the secrets of the universe. FROG had revealed them to me.
Whoa... you're totally insane.
Perhaps. But perhaps to truly know FROG is also to be insane.
Hmm.
Reproduction
FROG does not reproduce. FROG is pure, and does not have such base urges and physical desire. He is also genderless, and doesn't have time for such petty matters as pleasure.
Nothing like the frogs in my garden then, they're at it every Spring.
How dare you speak of FROG in such a manner!
Whoa, calm down man. What's wrong with you? I'm not trying to offend him or anything.
How dare you speak of FROG in that manner too!
What did I say that time?
You failed to use the capital H when using the third-person personal pronoun.
Oh I see. And that's a problem because?
FROG demands capital letters!
Fine... I didn't mean to offend Him. That better?
Much better, thank you.
Shall I also say His name in all caps?
No, that is not necessary.
Then how come you do it?
I do not mean to, I simply get so excited when I say FROG that I cannot control the volume of my voice. It is such a joyous word after all... FROG!
Yeah...
You should try it.
Maybe later.
Oh, ok then.
...Maybe never.
Etymology
So where does FROG's name come from then? Is it an Amphibian language?
Yes, that's right.
So what does it translate as into English?
FROG translates into FROG.
Right, and isn't it weird that it uses Latin-based letters if it's an alien word?
No, FROG created all letters. FROG can be spelled any way FROG wants it to be spelled.
Hmm, and it just so happens that He spells it the same as the common English word frog?
Stop trying to disprove FROG!
Or what?
FROG will strike you down.
Hahahaha!
What are you laughing at?
Sorry, I don't mean to offend, that was just one of the funniest sentences I've ever heard. FROG will strike me down, hehe.
Laugh all you want, you'll regret it.
Say it again.
I will not.
Aw go on.
No.
Please?
You're only making FROG angrier.
Hahahaha!!! Priceless! I'm putting that as my Facebook status.
FROG's wrath is no laughing matter.
Evolution
So this lime star thing? What's that all about?
What does that have to do with Evolution?
Huh?
Evolution, it's the subject heading.
Oh yeah. Well, nothing I guess, but then again, you're not exactly talking about frogs are you?
Do you want to hear more about FROG or not?
Yes please.
Then be quiet. The lime green coloured star that appeared before me is a quasar. Quasars are vastly dense celestial objects that occur when black holes -
Whoa, what's all this physics crap? I just want to know about the frog man.
You mean FROG.
Yeah, frog dude or whatever he's called.
Forget it, I'm fed up of this section.
Cultural Beliefs
FROG still speaks to me on occasion. Sometimes He appears when I am watching TV, or sitting in the bath, or sacrificing chickens to the FROG sculpture I made for my mantlepiece. He tells me everything will be ok and that He loves me. Sometimes He asks me to take my clothes off and dance around for Him. And He always appears in the form of a green quasar.
Wait, what was that about chickens?
He tells me the secrets of existence, and the truth about the Universe. Humans have lost their minds and become insane, He says. This happened in 37 CE when Jesus and his syzygy Sophia left this universe for the Pleroma. Jesus and Sophia are FROG's son and daugher by the way.
Did you say Jesus?
That's right, Jesus. Son of FROG.
You mean Son of God? Have you been talking about God all this time?
God? No, I 'm talking about FROG. The almighty FROG.
No, I think you mean God. God is the guy you're describing there. I'm sure of it. The big beard, being Jesus' dad, who else could it be?
But aren't gods those little slimy things that live in ponds?
No, that's frogs, I told you that at the start.
...
Remember?
...Ah, I see what you're doing.
What do you mean?
You're making fun of me.
What!?
You really expect me to believe that I confused Our Maker with a small, pond-dwelling animal?
I'm not lying to you, it's the truth!
Oh, so you're saying I'm stupid?
I'm not saying you're anything, I'm just pointing out that you're a guy who can't tell the difference between a huge, all-powerful bearded guy and a little green slimy guy.
I've had enough of you. I think you should leave.
But...
I said go!
But I'm only...
Time to go now.
Ow! Stop kicking me!
Then leave.
Fine, I'll leave.
Right, goodbye then.
Bye... lunatic
Realisation
Oh FROG this is terrible... what that man said, it all makes perfect sense. Damn him, the italicised bastard! How dare he destroy my blissful ignorance, smiting it down as you would a heathen. I've wasted my entire life chasing quasars and performing bizarre rituals. That's right FROG, you heard me - bizarre! Why didn't you just tell me you weren't real to begin with?
Oh I don't mean that FROG. I still love you. Yes, yes, I'm glad you love me too. I just have a lot of thinking to do...
See Also
Damnation · Flagellation · Flood · Death of Your First Born · Frogs · Pestilence · Global Panic · Testicular torsion
Fire and Brimstone · Famine · Cancer · Papercuts of Doom · Damaged goods · Sudden Death · Reaganomics
Spontaneous Combustion · Decapitation Disease · Marriage · Melenoma · Meteors · Pedicornwallification
Species
- Furry: African giraffe • Baby Seal • Bear (Polar • Bipolar) • Cat (Daemonic • New Hampshire Merchant) • Elephant • Furries • Gazelle • Human • Otter • Sheep • Skunk • Slender Loris • Moose
Feathery: Birds • Chicken • Homing pigeon • Kingfisher • Peacock
Scaly: Corn snake • Fish • Goldfish • Salmon
Culture
- ...in history: Bucephalus (horse) • Great Elephant Revolt (2011) • Jaws did WTC • St. Peter's Basilica (reptile)
...in sports: Cow tipping • Kitten hurling battle • Kraft Dinner (horse) • Rough Gay Wolf Sex • Seal Clubbing • Water Polo... With Sharks!
- Slimey: Blue-ringed octopus • Frog • Pond Whales • Salamander • Sturgeon • Uterus
Creepy crawly • Ant • Cockroach • Lobster • Spider • Sun Bee • Wallet moth
Other: Balloon Animals • Gazebo • Grue • Toaster • Snipes • Womp
Media
- ...in science • Antbortion • An infinite number of monkeys with typewriters • Crypto-Zoology • Kinsey Report No. 3: Sexual Behavior in Hamsters • Tapheselachophobia • Whale bones
...as food: • Easter Bunny • Firesheep • Frog Semen • Kittens
...as... huh? • Kitten Huffing
Media
