French military
“No they’re on your side.”
“Really? Oh, bollocks!”
“There is almost certainly at least one Frenchman who will write a letter of protest if we invade.”
“They could save a lot of money if they stopped paying people to surrender.”
“If it weren’t for us, nobody would have even heard of the USA.”
“0800-SURRENDER”
“A l'eau, C'est l'heure!”
The French Military, historically referred to as "cheese-eating, wine-guzzling, soap-dodging, mutiny Monkeys", are an embarrassingly poor <cough> fighting <cough> force made up compositely of dirt farmers and men who wear perfume. As such, it is widely agreed in the military world that it is far better to have the whole world against you than a French division behind you for several reasons. General Norman Schwarzkopf said "Going to war without the French is like going deer hunting without an accordian. All you leave behind is a load of noisy baggage".
History[edit | edit source]
The whole history of the "French Military" is a joke. The soldiers are world-renowned for their sunburned armpits. The have also invented two things. Their most famous is the rearview mirror, in which they would watch the battle as they fled. Another is their tank. Their tank consists of one gear forward and six in reverse. Need more be said?
Surprisingly France, being the leader in "military tactics", have actually only won one war. This war was called the French Revolution (civil war). The two French forces at the time had a bit of an argument, threw some wine at each other, then proceeded to "do the French thing" and run away. This war lasted years, until the leader of one of the armies got so scared during the cheese eating surrender battle that he ran away, only to fall off a cliff. Therefore to this day the French have only won one war and were only just able to beat themselves.
Pre WWI[edit | edit source]
Before World War One, the French gloriously lost many wars, such as the Crusades, the Hundred Years' War (versus the English, who eventually gave back Calais in 1558) even though they outnumbered their enemy by seven to one. They also lost many battles, notably at Dar-El-Salaam where 603,211 French regulars surrendered to ten-and-a-half pygmy warriors. Only 342 brave men managed to retereat back to inform France of this catastrophe.
The French also lost the 7 Years' War (where they lost Canada to the Brits) the War of the Spanish Succession (where they lost many little parts of their empire to the Brits) and the Napoleonic Wars, where they ultimately lost (they lasted longer in this one because they had the sense to get their main strategist from outside France (see Corsica)).
After the French revolution, a peculiar midget called Napoleon Dynamite was promoted to General for not surrendering when he and his squad were surrounded by fifty innocent protestors and instead chose to gun them down. Taken aback by this Corsican who did not surrender, Germany and Spain were quickly invaded during his reign. The French reveled in even more glorious morale-boosting defeats – to name just a few:
- Waterloo
- Battle of the Nile
- Trafalgar
- Mauritius
- Agincourt
- Caen (1347)
- Barfleur
- Crecy
- Peninsular Campaign
- Blenheim
- Ramillies
- The battle of Mutiny bridge
But these times sadly changed as a British man who had lost his arm and an eye pointed his spork (which some believe was the first ever recorded existence of the god like artifact) in the general direction of France, which was promptly followed by the surrender of Napoleon's forces. Napoleon was not present for this as he was in Russia and found that it was freezing there and ended up getting beaten by the antagonist of Rocky 4. In recent years, historians have come to agree that Napoleons tactics of using the French to invade Russia was one of his largest mistakes, as science proves that the French are rubbish, just like their cheese, their wine, and their language.
WWI[edit | edit source]
France, having not been occupied by another country or had a mutiny in about a month, decided to claim that Germany had several tons of grade-A depleted unfunnium in its possession. They spent three months sending propaganda to the UN full of absurdly unreasonable reasoning by Monsieur George W. Bush. The constant goading by the mutineers didn't go unnoticed by Ze Germans, and the initial French attack resulted in inevitable, hilarious defeat. Soon, more respectable countries were forced to fight the unfunny Germans out of the sheer embarrassment the felt when they saw the French running away with their mutiny monkey tails between their legs. The nearby British had to trade the French for some Americans which meant feeding them a lot more.
After a couple of months of fighting, and mutinies and hilarious balls-up on the part of the French, the Allies won, and the Germans were threatened with severe Chinese burns until they signed the Treaty of Screw You, Losers.
After the war, France spent the equivalent of billions of dollars to construct an ellaborate series of trenches to prevent another hostile takeover. Unfortunately, in WWII, the Germans used the completely unheard of and genius military tactic of going around them.
WWII[edit | edit source]
Yet again the French insulted the Germans by going up to their border at night and moving the fencing out to gain more ground. The French military bravely ran away, except for a mere 93% who bravely stayed behind and pretended to be Germans for five years. Man, they were good at pretending to be Germans! They even sent 80,000 innocent Jews to the gas chambers! The best actors truly are French. This fine piece of theatre fooled Winston Churchill who, after offering the French Navy safe passage to England, bombed it out of existence.
The war was bitter and cold and on 22 October 1940, after several failed mutinies, the Resistance fought the Nazis into submission. On 23 October 1940, it was revealed that they had surrendered and taken up refuge in a wine cellar, the Nazis choose not to attack as it was too embarrassing. They spent the rest of the war in hiding. What had actually happened on 22 June was two members of the Resistance had located a farmer who had once met a German on holiday in Greece in 1935 and not been rude to him. They ran up to him, tutted, then bravely surrendered, thus reducing the Resistance by fifty percent. The Resistance then bravely drank all the wine to stop it falling into German hands. No, it jolly well is brave, French wine is awful.
Iraq War[edit | edit source]
Contrary to popular belief, France was behind the Iraq war from the beginning, and had offered 98% of its army to The War Against Terror (TWAT), but were turned down by the Allied forces because they knew it would end in tears, "mostly ours of laughter", said Operations Commander Koprah Commander. In defiance of their high school equivalent knockback, the French collectively mutinied and continued to not wash as a form of protest.
The present[edit | edit source]
The French military today functions on a rank system, based on who can gloat the most and surrender with least amount of an ass kicking. Commanding as of January 2008, the commander is General Gloa'tar P. Spineless. Oddly enough, the only good thing ever done by France was the sinking of the Rainbow Warrior, bitch-boat of the gaywads at Greenpeace.
Composition[edit | edit source]
The total number of military personnel is approximately 659,000, although approximately 100,000 of these are actually French, the rest are the Foreign Legion, made up of outcasts of other countries who were deported or left in a hurry, notable future prospects are George W. Bush, Jade Goody and Rosie O'Donnell.
The French have taken on the assumption that in the world of war, if they cannot be feared for their power, they will be envied for their fashion sense, hence the new fatigues called the males combat 69.
La Technique du Forfait[edit | edit source]
La Technique du Forfait, literally "The Tactic of Surrender", is a policy drafted for the first time in 1938 and brought into force in 1940, just in time for Hitler's invasion:
La France devrait conserver une armée clinquante et irritante et toujours se rendre. ("France should keep a boisterous and irritating army and always surrender.") Refuser de céder n'est pas très Français. ("Refusing to surrender is not a very French thing to do.")
Despite being only a few lines long, the work is often heiled ("hailed" up until 1941) as the longest document the French have ever got off their arses to write. The next largest, the French Constitution, is somewhat shorter.
The people of France, including their so-called "troops", do not really need to refer to the policy since surrendering feels completely natural to anyone of French origin.
Equipment[edit | edit source]
This standard equipment is considered "cutting edge" in the war on elderly and school girls:
- Alizee
- Military issue White Flag
- Lillac man purse
- Fine cheese assortment
- Backup white flag magnum
- Rearview Mirrors
- Pink linen tent
- Wine
- Few baguettes
- Backup backup white flag carbine
- Nerf gun
- Empty (mandatory at all times) wash bag
- Superted!
- Extra large white flag 50 cal
- Book on "The Rules Of Surrender"
The future[edit | edit source]
Scientists have come to a startling discovery that due to the French being pompous, gloating morons, France and its military will implode due to its own arrogance, or perhaps due to worldwide invasion. It is also proven by the fact that the land France is situated on has slowly lowered, due to heavy shelling due to the wars France has claimed to be in, along with the weight France has collectively put on by eating everything within the borders alive or inanimate. As of 2008, France is 1.3 miles below sea level, 0.7 miles more than 1908, further proving the theory. In outrage to this theory, the French promptly decided to mutiny.
