French is a series of incomprehensible garglings, and throat utterances belched out by the French, and those nations who have been invaded by them in the past. Despite French sounding similar to a throat disease it is the international language of surrender, and therefore love.
Back when the Europeans split up, French people spoke Latin. Then, they discovered a plant. This plant was very addictive to the French people, but slurred their speech, causing them to frequently say such weird sounds as "wah" and not pronounce the "s" at the end of (even plural) words. French people, mostly adults and delinquents, consumed this plant in the form of drinks, made from the roots. Their children tried to imitate their parents' slurred speech, and created bizarre spelling rules as well. They never got to hear Latin the way it was supposed to be said. They passed the language onto THEIR children. As a result the world now lives with the French language.
What is known to be the "French language" is actually spoken virtually nowhere on earth. As can be seen in many films the French actually just speak bad English without ever admitting it. The "French" sounding noises are just put on to annoy the tourists, and to trick chicks who don't know any better into bed. Only the Québécois actually speak French, and they do it just to annoy the rest of Canada.
This highly complex nuptial custom is deep-rooted in French culture, going back to the Gauls (from French "avoir la gaule": to suffer from erectile hyperactivity), who would fight for days over in the hope of appeasing their insatiable appetite. Those fights were recounted by Julius Caesar in his famous best-seller "The Gallic Wars" (a corruption from Latin where the plosive p becomes a g in French for some reason in meaning it was really called: "The Phallic Wars"), something French people barely seem to care about.
The uvular 'R'
The uvular 'r' is a brutal sound rendered by the French and small animals (think angry poodles). The method first came into practice around 17eme, used by the fashionable members of the salon to clear their throats in public without interrupt speech (also known as de-flegmation). The method spread throughout the fashionable societies of Europe and later was adopted by the bourgeoisie who, believing it to be simply sophisticated pronunciation, used it for every 'r' in everyday speech (in a way reminiscent of Monsieur Jourdain of Le Bourgeois Gentilhomme fame). The 'r' then spread from the bourgeoisie down to the plebs who used it to such an extent that the French language mutated into something that resembled a symptom of tuberculosis (see consumption) or the chesty cough. It has remained this way ever since. Pronouncing "regarde" or god forbid saying "gonorrhea" is fatal for anyone French, as it causes a massive implosion of their head as the pressure in their tonsils reach critical mass and their jaw collapses in on itself.
French grammar is daunting for anyone who wants to invade France and communicate with their prisoners of war. Not only are some of the words not the same as in English, but their grammar is also sometimes not identical to English. The thousands of irregular verb conjugations needed to speak French are enough to make any attacking nation weary of invasion. The Swiss have reconciled their border disputes with France without ground troop movement, mostly to avoid learning the pointless silliness of French words that sound nothing like Swiss words. The French to this day are surprised to find that non-French people speak with words that sound foreign. The typical reaction of a Frenchman to a foreigner asking for directions in English is to reply in French and repeat it louder and louder until the tourist starts to cry.
Useful French words and phrases
Here are a few French phrases you will probably end up using if you go to France:
Je me rends ! translates into "I surrender!", a very useful term for all French people, who have it drummed into their heads in primary school.
Je mange des escargots translates into "I am so hungry, I eat anything that looks even remotely alive".
Il ne se prend pas pour de la merde ! means "We Need to love each other".
C'est d'la merde ! means "Thank you so much for this delicious meal!"
J'ai complètement merdé en littérature anglaise. Et je suis très faggoterois. signifies "I'm not an Englishman!!"
Oui oui, je suis française. J'adore la baguette, je suis concrètement française. A polite way of asking a stranger to pass you a napkin.
Common French language facts
- All sentences end with the question "no?" as a way of tricking you into a debate, in which they will then surrender.
- All French speaking people are able to communicate with and therefore easily deceive and consume Frogs.
- French people always speak French while smoking cigarettes. They also speak French in their dreams.