French cuisine
French cuisine is the name given to a diverse set of culinary crimes against humanity that have spawned in the earthly hell known as France. Victims of French cuisine are advised to go to the nearest doctor immideately if they don't want to die from food poisoning.
Contrary to popular belief, French fries are not an actual French food, but is of Belgian origin. The French stole this food and claimed it as their own, as a way to make the world believe they had actually made a good thing for once. But in a twist of irony, the Americans stole it from them and made billions out of it, making the French lose once again.
Haute cuisine[edit | edit source]
Haute cuisine is a popular trend in French cuisine, where plates are preparated with extreme delicacy, meticulous preparation, elaborate presentation, and the use of high quality ingredients. That's what they say, at least- but the reality is that it's just a lie that French chefs tell to their clients to justify why they're paying so much when the chef is barely bringing them any food. People who try haute cuisine often have to use microscopes to search where the food is in their plate, or else they might end up losing the food or accidentaly crushing it with a molecule. This type of cuisine is often popular with pretentious snobs that feel the need of proving to others that they're stupidly rich.
Sweets[edit | edit source]
To make up for the lack of actual food in their haute cuisine, French people have created some of the most stomach-hurting calorie bombs to have graced the culinary world. French sweets include: éclairs, stuffed with a suspicious white liquid; croissants, the French equivalent of crumpets; crêpes, the French equivalent of pancakes; and waffles.
Dairy[edit | edit source]
French cuisine is often synonymous with cheese. But not just any kind of cheese- really, really smelly cheese that could kill anyone in a 100 mile radius just by smelling it. Yet the French cook it, and even eat it, for some reason. Further proof that every French person is a sado masochist.
Beverages and drinks[edit | edit source]
Being a western European country, France couldn't resist the temptation of adding wine to their mix. Wine is regularly drank on a daily basis all over France. Although other humans are made 70% of water, French people are actually made 70% of wine, which explains why they're always drunk.
A popular drink in France is champagne, a type of wine that looks like fizzy piss. It is the French equivalent of "English beer", A.K.A. warm piss water.
Things that shouldn't even be considered food[edit | edit source]
If the French creations that have previously been listed have a questionable reputation as "food", the following items can't even be described as such:
- Snails - Often called by the French name "escargot" to decieve tourists that they're eating actual food and not one of the most disgusting creatures from the animal kingdom. Like, it's literally living goo.
- Frog's legs - Why. Why would you do that. That poor frog now has no legs to walk. You monster.
- French onion soup - "French people are like onions, they have layers" (Shrek, 2001)
