New Caledonia

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New Caledonia
The Dependent Nation of New Caledonian Natives and Wimpy French Bastards
New Caledonia
SMSF.jpg Turkey5.jpg
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: French People Ruin Everything
Anthem: Chasing Cars
CapitalWho knows?
Largest cityWho honestly cares?
Official language(s)New Caledonian
John Brown
National Hero(es)Napoleon
 of Independence
31 July 1999

New Caledonia (Nouvelle-Calédonie) is a small chain of islands in the western Pacific. Its population is comprised of a combination of Creole-speaking Natives, Creole-speaking "Brown people", and Creole-speaking Frenchmen known as "Caldoches". It is important to note that the word "douche" is nearly embedded in this term.

History[edit | edit source]

New Caledonia was formed around the year 1500 B.C.E. by a volcanic eruption, the same method in which most of the islands in the "Ring of Fire" were formed. New Caledonia has been populated by Melanesians (and to a lesser extent, Polynesians) for centuries. In 1792, an English sailor named James Cook discovered the island and dubbed it "New Caledonia".

Napoleon III claimed New Caledonia for France in 1853 during an attempt to form an empire that would rival the British empire. Shortly afterwards, the French government shipped thousands upon thousands of French criminals to New Caledonia. Yet, despite the fact that these criminals were "the toughest of the tough" in France, warm weather proved to be too much for a vast quantity of these badasses, many of whom surrendered to tropical diseases such as malaria. These deaths caused great angst amongst the remaining French settlers; as a result, these French settlers used racism as a form of stress release. They established a system of discrimination known as "Code de l'Indigénat", which was, simply put, Apartheid but with a darling French accent.

During World War II, New Caledonia was used as an air base for Great Britain, but it was captured by the Axis in 1943. This was inevitable, as New Caledonia is populated by Frenchmen.

Now[edit | edit source]

Since the end of World War II, New Caledonia has remained a relatively peaceful community. An increasingly large amount of French people have moved to New Caledonia in recent years.

Demographics[edit | edit source]

While still the most predominent group, the indigenous Melanesian population has decreased to comprise 44.6% of the whole population (as of the 1996 census); their population has declined due to of the influx of European settlers moving there. Europeans comprise 34.5% (predominantly French, with German, British and Italian minorities), while Japanese, Chinese, and a small number of ethnic Africans comprise the remaining 20.9%.

Climate[edit | edit source]

The climate of the islands is tropical, and rainfall is highly seasonal.