John Brown

“Why can't I have a beard like that?”

~ Oscar Wilde on John Brown

An artist's rendition of John Brown.

What he used to look like before his death.

John Brown was history's first Gigachad and is a man of note in American history. His beard inspired millions of hobbyists to emulation. He is rumored to have harbored anti-slavery sympathies. Brown, along with several of his sons and a group of slaves, attack Harper's Ferry, an ammunitions dump owned and operated by Southern author and noted lesbian Harper Lee. Years later, Brown would again attempt to rouse the African-American populace against injustices perpentrated on them. Declaring himself "King of the 'Burbs," the onetime abolitionist appeared on the 'White Rapper Show', a program controversial for only admitting contestants who could produce evidence of at least 15/16ths European ancestry, and spoke of a 'Ghetto Revival' that would, in his words "[take] the ghetto to, ya know, a whole new dynamic, back to the roots, yo. Race doesn't matta, yo: We all in this togethah. John Brown, King of the Burbs. Hallalujah Hollaback!" But his principal goal was to eradicate the white middle class frat boys who think it's inherently funny to copy 'black' slang and poses in order to make other white middle class frat boys laugh. He was sadly unsuccessful.

Despite this enthusiasm, the movement fizzled, and Brown was last seen being chased down an alley-way by a giant cockroach wielding a spray-can marked "Step Off".

John Brown's Eyes

In any picture of John Brown, the artist had always put a lot of work into the eyes, to make them look wide and to appear to be bulging. Folk tales tell of his eyes having a mind of their own, but modern science has proved that only a liver is capable of having a mind of its own.

John Brown's Beard

John Brown's beard is just as notorious as John Brown himself. During the conflict known as Bleeding Kansas, which preceded the Civil War, five pro-slavery settlers were taken from their cabins on Pottawatomie Creek and were hacked to death with broadswords. Brown claimed that he had nothing to do with the murders and blamed the act on his beard, which he named "Old Reliable." After Brown was captured for his raid on Harpers Ferry, his beard was finally tried for the Pottawatomie slayings. John Brown's beard was later acquitted of these charges due to its thickness and rich texture which went unchallenged by any other beard of the day.

John Brown's Inspiration

An actual photograph of John Brown. Due to his appearance, people said he looked like an old gravedigger who had not seen sunlight in weeks.

John Brown is rumored to have had anti-slavery sympathies, though this has yet to be confirmed. He was also a religious man. However, that was not his main purpose in life. He had first tried to be anything but a farmer and it didn't work. Farming didn't go over so well either; whenever Brown hired a hand he ended up killing the poor fellow in an attempt to incite rebellion among the barnyard animals. Despairing, Brown turned to prayer. He claimed that he heard God speak to him. The Almighty said, "John Brown! It is I, God. I command you to end slavery using whatever means possible!"

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