Nicolas Sarkozy
Nicolas Sarkozy aka Sarko (because he is sarcastic), or sarky, full birth name Nicolas Boris Wladimir Davidovitch al-Rasheed Miyazaki Gurkov von Sarkzoswksïstk de JarJarKlaus van Schpetzerlinkst, full German name Nicolaus Von Sarkonazy, is now an unemployed Frenchman, with all that implies, after losing the French Presidency to Francois 'Dutch' Hollande in May 2012.
Sarkozy belongs to the "pickle" wing of French politics (which insists that France should be soaked in vinegar and put in a jar in order to savor well, rather than eaten raw). Sarkozy is widely considered a sexist for running against France's first-ever female politician, Sophie Femme-Fatale, and a racist for referring to France's Muslim population as "nearly as bad as Americans." He is married to one Mick Jagger's ex-girlfriends , Carla the Sultry Sultana of Brunei.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
It is unclear if, where and when Nicolas Sarkozy was born. Sources say he was seen in Vladivostok (Russia) around 1928, plowing a sovkhoze (whatever that is). Of mixed descent (his father was Hungarian and his mother horny), he was home-schooled and proved especially proficient in several languages, including German and Volgon. He was also known to communicate with the family dog by getting on his knees and barking. (The dog was seen petting him.) His family took part to what was to be called later the « Pepsi Cola Revolution », revolution that saw the Coca Cola government collapse in 1899 in Ryxsladstorniatovsky, Estonia. Like Napoleon and other men of short stature (save Oscar Wilde), he suffers from the "Short Man's Breath Disease".
Nicolas Sarkozy was baptized of his own Nissan Accord in 1932 in Caracas (North Korea) after « seeing a light » and « talking to Jesus ». Anonymous sources such as his younger brother Guillaume, doubted that Nicolas had seen anything, since he barely could do anything without somebody helping him.
He was then declared an official Frenchman in downtown Paris by the puke of a passing hobo. Aged 13, he learnt rollerblading with Henri Philippe Pétain (as well as, ironically, wall building), and lost his balls in a lacing accident. One summer, he obtained his « Chemin de Fer Baccalauréat » by mailorder, in exchange of at least 16 green marbles, a bunch of nails, his brother's Paris Saint Germain sticker collection, and a quiche lorraine.
Political Career ("WAR ON TERRORISM")[edit | edit source]
Nicolas Sarkozy starts his political career in 1974 as a legal and financial advisor of the future president, Jacques Chirac. He becomes in 1975 the first one-testiculed man to reach a political high ranked place, official "RPR’s Ball Licker" wannabe.
Studying at Kaboul’s “University for women emancipation”, from 1976 to 1980, Nicolas Sarkozy finds his real vocation: Be a well corrupted political person. His law teacher, Osama Bin Laden, remembers a « gifted child, with a great sense of humour ». Quitting university just before graduating (and before getting drunk at the prom night), Nicolas flies back to Neuilly, his « bled », to take the power.
Nicolas Sarkozy becomes mayor of Neuilly in 1983 at 28, becoming the youngest one-testiculed man to be mayor in France (Bertrand Delanöe became later the first untesticuled man to be mayor in France). To win his mayor chair, Sarkozy beats Songoku, famous French porn star, and Charles Pasqua, famous guns, drugs and oil dealer. Thanks to his “new power”, Nicolas Sarkozy founds his brand new militia, the famous “Police Nationale”. Thanks to his new militia, Nicolas Sarkozy is now ready to conquer the world.
Nicolas Sarkozy makes his first political mistake in 1986. Visiting Chernobyl’s nuclear plant, Nicolas Sarkozy has the bad idea to throw a chewing gum in an uranium cooling slot. Every one knows what happened next, the blast and stuff. A normal person would have been forgiven for that silly move, but Nicolas Sarkozy isn’t that kind of person. Coming back to France, Nicolas Sarkozy announced that “Ukrainians are suckers, their fire fighters suck asses but, luckily, the nuclear cloud won’t cross the French border ». Incredible as it may seem, French people believed Nicolas Sarkozy without even trying to verify what he said. Nicolas Sarkozy’s third (and green) leg appeared right after the nuclear cloud didn’t cross the French border.
By the time he was 34, Nicolas Sarkozy became deputy. Two years later, he became Minister of the budget, doing a good 35% tax cut for wealthy people.
1995. Presidential elections. Sarkozy runs for Edouard Balladur, known as “Flabby Balls”. Balladur gets ass kicked by Jacques Chirac, Nicolas Sarkozy then states that “Balladur is a wiener, Chirac is my boss. I love you Monsieur Chirac.”
Nicolas Sarkozy worked hard in 2005 to try earning "what he deserves", the French Presidency. As french people are not very clever, they were seduced by his latex tuxedos and his Texas Ranger boots and he became president of France in 2007. His new trends are: War on youth, war on socialism, war on terrorism, war on brains, war on drugs AND war on media liberty. And war on foreign people too.
Political Platform and Rap Career[edit | edit source]
Popular with « les Djeun's » (English translation : « homiez » ), Sarkobot, as he is known to this crowd, favours large government spending on hip_hop art, hip-hop music, hip-hop cuisine, hip-hop science and hip-hop architecture, Techtonique.
His continual involvement with the Wump collective (English translation : « Collective Pmwu » ) enablez him to drop dope rymez on the mic and put your hands where my eyes can see.
He also hates « La grammaire française » and is going to abolish « stupid « French quotes symbols and extra spaces before colons and senseless random symbols, like those that French people « put « p_all << i++ over >> this.article&.
Loses Office[edit | edit source]
Sarkozy's hope of re-election in May 2012 was dashed when France chose not to have him back. President Bling-Bling lost heavily to the Socialist challenger, ex-fatty Francois Hollande. Sarkozy is reported to have broken every plate in the Elysee Palace when the result was announced.
Friends and Foes[edit | edit source]
Friends[edit | edit source]
“This guy rocks! Seriously, if I wasn’t him, I would marry him.”
His Good Friends[edit | edit source]
- David Cameron:
“He's a good friend of mine. We took a holiday in Libya together”
- Jean-Marie Le Pen:
“He could wear my suit if he wasn’t such a communist! ”
- George W. Bush:
“He knows what is good for a country: War, gun industry, religion, oil, we agree at all points all the way.”
Enemies[edit | edit source]
- Jacques Chirac:
“That man is evil. Like the Joker or something. Besides that, he eats my shit from time to time and likes it.”
- Ingrid Betancourt:
“Sarkozy? He sond me to the FARC people. besides pandas are much nicer.”
- François Bayrou:
“I don't want to look like him when I grow older.”
- Jean-Marie Le Pen:
“He's a damn foreigner, an unpatriotic non-french jewboy! He stole all the votes I had in 2002!”
- Recep Tayyip Erdogan:
“We are more Europeans than this Sarkozy guy!”
Nicolas Sarkozy trivia[edit | edit source]
Many things can be read on Nicolas Sarkozy. (Authors of those slanders, be scared. The small man will soon be king of the FMM (French Mass Media, an obscure mind-controlling organization). King implies full law / prison / militia control.)
- Besides Sarko, likes to be called Sarkonazy.
- Nicolas Sarkozy can’t drive a motorbike; his single testicle gives him equilibrium troubles.
- “War Pigs”, the famous Black Sabbath song, was written for Nicolas Sarkozy. Incredible as it may seem, “Paranoid” was written for him too.
- In a special endorsement deal with the Kärcher Corporation, he agreed to use their pressure washers to clean the scum of the streets with.
- It’s Gainsbourg's daughter, Charlotte, that sings on “Lemon Incest” with Serge Gainsbourg. Not Nicolas Sarkozy.
- Nicolas Sarkozy legalized consumption of crack in 1999 in France. Criminalization of this tasty product was set back after three weeks of republican happiness, after that Nicolas Sarkozy discovered that his kids smoked pot daily.
- Sarkozy's night job is being Rudy Giuliani's stunt double.
- Sarkozy is hating the British, but gives in to what the Germans want of him. The Vichy Regime still lives.
- Sarkozy is erronously considered as being to wealthy for being in politics. That is untrue. When the EU was granted the big prize (yee, that one), the euro bled its value so much. Amount of euros that Snooki gained on her dollars within the same weekend, dwarfes Sarkozy's personal savings.
|- style="text-align: center;"
| width="30%" |Preceded by:
Charles Pasqua
| width="40%" style="text-align: center;" |Head chief of Police Nationale Militia
2002-2007 AD
| width="30%" |Succeeded by:
George W?
|- style="text-align: center;"
| width="30%" |Preceded by:
Shagger Chirac
| width="40%" style="text-align: center;" |First Citizen of the Imperial French Republic
2007- AD
| width="30%" |Succeeded by:
Francois Hollande
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