James Cook
“He was James Cooked when he was killed by Aborigines!”
Captain James Cook, FRS, RN, (7 November 1728 – 14 February 1779) was a British explorer and sailor. He was famously killed by Hawaiian natives[1] when he insulted their gods and killed half their tribe on account of boredom. For history buffs and purveyors of useless barroom trivia, Cook also discovered Australia and New Zealand. So now you know.
Cook's sense of adventure went with him from cradle to grave bottom of the ocean, and he was afraid of just about nothing, if it was in the name of exploration and the British Crown. Aside from discovering many new nations and constantly getting into shit with the cannibals and the natives, Cook's maritime legend lives on, boring the hell out of stupefied history students who couldn't give a shit about our "national pride" and that we should be thankful for what he did.[2]
Cook, strangely, never had a wife or got laid, and many claim this is because he loved sailing more.[3] He also kept a tortoise, which he later donated to the first Sydney Zoo. The tortoise moved slowly into politics under the name Billy Hughes and became Prime Minister of Australia during the First World War.
Early life and family
Like all great explorers from the 1700s, Cook was born to farmhand parents who could barely afford to feed themselves, let alone raise a child and have him become one of the greatest explorers of the time.[4] Against all odds, Cook was born and grew up in relativity poor conditions, whilst his parents worked for some rich snob on his farm. His chances of getting an education were running slimmer than Tiger Woods winning another major. But for some reason this snob took a liking to the young Cook and paid for him to have an education. Things were finally going his way!
James really enjoyed his education, but he also a thirst for the sea and adventure! I mean, one time when he was little he took an "adventure" in the London Underground, and that took balls![5] It was only natural that he would become a sailor, seeing as it was the fastest and, well, only way to travel internationally at the time.
When he finished his education, Cook got a job in the British Navy as a cadet. He had applied as a cook, as he had a few recipes for scurvy avoidance, but the admiralty thought James was pulling a funny name joke game on them.
Voyages
Cook went on three major voyages around the world. In the eleven years he was away from England he visited various Pacific islands, discovered Australia and New Zealand ... meh, nobody cares. Over three quarters of his time was spent on the boat, where he presumably had gay sex with his crew, in stereotypical fashion. His trips later inspired a cousin, Thomas Cook, to start a travel firm.
Here is a quick itinerary of each of his extended vacations to the Southern Hemisphere:
First
Cook was instructed by the British Navy to sail to Tahiti to do some top secret government business, though the public was told he was to be watching and documenting the transit of Venus[6] for the first time. This was of course a cover up for them to go and destroy all the evidence belonging to his superiors, far away from civilization.
He was also to take a fleet of yachts there as well, and enjoy retirement at age 39. Unfortunately, the natives didn't take too kindly to the large bonfires of bank statements of other indiscriminating forms, not to mention that their boats shat all over the natives' canoes. They were told to GTFO! So they sailed back to England without the evidence, fortunately.
Second
This was the big one. Cook was promoted to the rank of Commander of the British Navy and led an expedition down South to search for the hypothesized Australia – which the Dutch had found more than a hundred years previously – and wisely decided not to inhabit the land as it contained only sand, sand, big dogs, and of course sand. However, Cook's superiors believed there was more to this giant island than previously believed.[7]
Upon arriving at Australia and meeting the Aboriginals, Cook famously proclaimed:
| “ | Me wealthy white settler, me taking your land. | ” |
And it took only two hundred years for a guilt-ridden Kevin Rudd to give it back to them.[8]
Third
After taking a long, boring voyage where nothing really that interesting happened, Cook anchored in Hawaii thinking to enjoy a late summer vacation and also dodging the long and harsh British winter in the process. Sadly, and as fate would have it, the Hawaiians were celebrating an important festival at the time.[9]
The natives were kinda unhappy with Cook as last time he visited them he had stolen many of their religious artifacts and killed half their tribe, although they calmly let them dock, proving to be the better man. Unfortunately one of the natives made fun of Cook's hat, saying he looked fruity in it.
Death and legacy
Upon his final confrontation with the Natives, Cook declared the equivalent of an all out war upon them, trying desperately to defend the honor they took from him when they made fun of his hat. Despite the fact that the British had guns, knives and cannons, and all the Natives had was spears, they absolutely pwnt the fuck out of the English and drove them back into the sea.
Although Cook's crew had surrendered like a bunch of little French girls, one of the natives decided to spear Cook in the back, where he died afterwards when he face planted into the water. It was quite a dickish thing to do, but it meant victory for the islanders nonetheless.
His legacy lives on in the form of several universities named after him, and the fact it is mandatory that bored high school students have to learn how James Cook was the greatest thing to happen to us since sliced bread.[10]
Footnotes
- ↑ Hawaii was then known as the Sandwich Islands. Cook was killed by men who liked to stick their meat between two slices of bread.
- ↑ Well ... he tried to.
- ↑ Yes, weird isn't it?
- ↑ It really wasn't hard to become an explorer. The British navy were willing to accept anyone.
- ↑ That probably didn't happen. The metaphor sounded better in my mind.
- ↑ This was the first anyone knew that the planet went round the Solar System in the back of a Ford Transit.
- ↑ They wanted a place to dump all the leftover criminals who didn't fit in England's already overcrowded prison system.
- ↑ Took them long enough, aye?
- ↑ Killing the weak and eating them as well as many other sacrifices.
- ↑ I think that's the gist of it but ... Sorry, I didn't pay attention in history class.
