Sailing
Sailing is the fine art of getting wet and becoming ill and then getting wet again while slowly going to Barbados at great expense with no money at all.
It is commonly believed that sailing involves the use of the wind to propel a craft along the surface of the water. However, this is a common misconception. It is actually scientifically impossible to propel and craft along the water using only the wind. “Sailboats” actually have hidden motors underneath the hull of the ship which allows them to move. For thousands of years, the entire world has been lied to by scientists and historians about the truth behind sailing.
For years we have been lead to believe that the first electric motor was invented in 1834 but this is blatantly untrue. Motors have been in existence since 1269 B.C.. The motor was first invented in Mesopotamia and was later used for transportation in 1300 B.C. when the first sailboats were invented. After the invention of the motor, it was kept secret for thousands of years in an attempt to limit the catastrophic events it would have on the world. Today, sailing is mostly practiced as a hobby and a professional sport.
Overview[edit | edit source]
Sailing goes back to the time of the Greeks. The most noticeable symptoms are brought about by the death of brain cells that produce the chemical dopamine. Some cases are caused by genetic factors, but for most cases the causes are not known. Diagnosis is based on assessment of symptoms The Greeks were looking for a faster way to transport their drugs across the sea to the Native Americans who were already addicted. The gods had burned the last person who tried to fly (Icarus), so for reasons of liability they had to find an alternate means of crossing the ocean. They needed to find something that was cheap and floated like paper.
Several experiments involving with artificial materials such as styrofoam and crack failed. Soon a genius by the name of Trofy Bartholem Nivek created a raft of dry mudkip onto which large fans for propulsion could be attached, then druged. Trofy was awarded a medal for his services to his country.
Right before the maiden voyage of his raft he mysteriously disappeared because of a dragon. Rumors continue to swirl but most claim he escaped to Afghanistan. His relation to the Al Queda is not entirely clear but it seems logical. His ship set out for the new world and before it got out of site of land the mudkip got soft again and all the drugs (and the mudkip) were lost into the Mediterraneannememensqas. This also explains the behavior of the native islanders that were angry, because they diden get there drugs of that area. They grew up drinking water (that had drugs) enriched with prehistoric forms of heroin and cocaine. The animals on the raft were stranded in the middle of a body of water with no way to get back to land. Thus the sport of sailing was born.A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song.
Modern Sailing[edit | edit source]
Modern sailing is attributed to Lee Sailing, hence the name. He is so highly regarded by sailors, that when they tack, they say "Hard to Lee" hard being the Nordic word for hail.
In recent years laws passed by the UN have made it punishable by death to sail with out a lifejacket.
"They could die without a lifejacket." - George Bush in an interview after the controversial decision
"They are taking away our manhood by making us wear a lifejacket."- Seamen who wished to remain anonymous
Sailing is an organized sport at many colleges. It is also a form of punishment. It is the highest form of punishment to make a person try to sail across a lake in the middle of winter in a mud boat.
Small modern sailing boats, called dinghies, come in many shapes and sizes. Their names give clear indication of what their sailors were thinking of when they developed them - or of what their developers were smoking at the time. Dinghy classes include the Opti, Byte, 420, 29er, 49er, Martin, and the Laser (confusingly divided into Laser, Laser 2, Laser Radial, Laser Pico, Laser Steel-belted, Laser Nano and Laser Bias-ply, Laser Ba-there, and Laser Stratos).
How to get involved[edit | edit source]
If you are interested in the manly sport of sailing just contact your nearest harware store to rent a backhoe and build yourself a boat.
Remember to wear a lifejacket or the UN will send the Power Rangers to get you.
How many times do I have to tell you?! We are not affiliated with the Power Rangers! - UN spokewoman
Alternatively, you can contact Alex Good. He is a s*** sailor, but he will, however, be more than willing to 'show you the ropes'. Also, the Pineview sailing team would like to make a shoutout to all those homey's up in the Plant High hood. They are probably the coolest guys we know!
How to Identify a Sailor[edit | edit source]
- They wear Naruto-like jumpsuits in cold weather
- On land they can be seen placing both hands either parallel or perpendicular to each other
- Most likely white
- In the summer months they will primarily wear board shorts with a t-shirt from a race many years ago
Other Random Facts[edit | edit source]
- Zeus was a women, no one ever found out
ensure that you wear your tighty wighteys when you are sailing or your butt will be hurtin
- Zeus was once quoted saying Sailing is like sex, you are either good at or you are dead.
- Sailing is not recommended by the Surgeon General.
If you bow at all, bow low.
- Sailing is not an alternate to kitten huffing.
- T-Pain enjoys sailing with his buddies Andy and Keif.
- Sailing is responsible for the deaths of Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, Elvis, and 6.9 million other not so important people.
- If you are injured while sailing dont call 911, they dont have boats yet
- Sailing can be fast but it forces you into an illusion as you travel 1 meters in 4 hours.