Germaine Greer

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Allied troops dispersing a Germaine Greer to German trenches during World War I.

“Get back to the kitchen, woman!”

~ The entire world population on Germaine Greer

“Can't that irrelevant, miserable, deluded, crotchety, hairy-legged, muff diving old hag just be a good girl and ZIP IT - like good girls should - about everything, forever?”

~ Australians on Germaine Greer

“Good Lord! Lose some weight, chunky! You're bigger than my brother Edgar!”

“Do not want!”

“You poor Bastard, Gun closet is on the left!”

~ Bloke who meets Germaine Greer's husband for the first time

“[young boys have] semen that runs like tap water.”

A Germaine Greer (DYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYKE!) is a menacing cloud of asphyxiating hypocrisy that occasionally takes the form of a feminist lesbian writer called Carol Ann Duffy. She has also been known to take the form of a Brigid. In her female form she is well-known for her contributions to the efforts of free radical feminism, communism and cooking, while in her gaseous form she is notorious for being deployed during the First World War, against German Central Powers forces.

'Militant Lesbian pain in the arse, really unpleasant.'

Early life[edit | edit source]

Greer Garson, not Germaine Greer

Greer was invented in merry ol'London in 1913 alongside of other great pommy inventions such as the crumpet, biscuit and the cup of tea. Quickly surpassing her original capacity of cheap prostitute to house wife, she began a fantastic campaign of backdoor rebellion against her chauvinist oppressors in a King's Cross brothel 1961. Rallying other fat ugly females who can't find husbands to her cause, Greer organised gorilla attacks at events such as the kitchen expo or the washing machine market, and in swimming pools filled with pork fat, where she would lap it up, nude, for her freedom, to the often violently repulsed visually blessed.

During her earlier years she developed supple breasts and peach-like buttocks. It was during these years that Greer decided to throw off the shackles of male oppression and become a glamour model for adult oriented Australian magazine ‘Shocking Sheilas’. Greer eventually went on to star in many Australian adult films and is one of the most popular women in Australia since Dame Edna. However, Greer’s career was dogged by rumours that she was a staunch feminist and this led to her having to withdraw from the adult entertainment industry in Australia. Fortunately this was towards the end of her career and the industry had already drained the best out of her, mentally and physically.

Despite these troubles Greer remained a popular public figure in Australia, and across the world. Her antics soon propelled her to the dizzying heights of superstardom, an elevation which would tragically kickstart the process of evaporation that would lead to her current state. Being a prolific writer, Greer wrote about a great many topics and pondered high philosophy and meaning with her comments on existentialism, postmodernism, marxism and the television show Big Brother. On the last subject in particular, she wrote with extensive praise and admiration, exclaiming the brilliance and execution of all five million, four hundred and thirty seven seasons of the show.

However, after actually making an appearance, Greer became largely indifferent, and even angsty in regards to the show. Much like Media Watch, Big Brother was great until you were on it. This shift in opinion was a catalyst for the chemical phase change that occurred, turning her into the now famous menacing cloud of asphyxiating hypocrisy. By changing her opinions on topics extremely rapidly, she can control which state she exists in, but too frequent changes can sometimes cause high levels of friction, and groin chafing.

Kidnap[edit | edit source]

Greer Grant, not Germaine Greer

At the highlight of her career as something Ms Greer was kidnapped by a girl from my university, and held hostage for reasons one can only speculate (joined the 6.5 billion other people who can't stomach her intolerable personality, or mistook her for the girl with the voice of an angel- Charlotte Church or is it Jordan I can never remember). This is actually true, not the Charlotte Church bit obviously, her singing is rubbish, which just goes to prove that life is stranger than art. Unfortunately, Greer lived through the feministnapping, as no one would pay the 1 pound ransom and the girl didn't want to waste a bullet.

New career[edit | edit source]

Recently, Greer has been developing a career writing and singing songs from a feminist perspective. Her first album, "The Gaping Gash", is a collection of twelve punk rock songs performed by Greer in a new performance style called a "one-woman band", featuring Greer performing in the nude on her breasts, stomach and butt-cheeks. The theme of the songs is what can only be described as Greer's vagina(often filled with sand), and covers such sub-topics as its size, shape, appearance, smell and "life-story".

Greer has just finished a world-tour of the album. Critics were impressed by the depth of the lyrics, and her ability to slap different parts of her body at the same time. Some critics however bemoaned the tone of her breasts, saying they lacked timbrel quality on account of their wrinkliness and saggy nature. Dr. Coco McClown, a psycho-acoustics expert from Kingussie International University, Scotland, said "they sounded like balloons that had been at a party too long. I should know."

With the upcoming discovery of time travel, Greer will be expected to travel back in time to the first world war and deploy herself as a toxic gas and kill male soldiers to ease her frustration.

At a recent press conference Greer has announced that she will be teaming up with renowned hip hop artists Eminem, 50 Cent, Xzibit and producer Dr. Dre to create an urban album named 'CHECK THE TIMES' she labels "A true account of the streets" and is hailed as one of the most anticipated releases of 2032. Tracks include:

  • Goddamn check the times
  • Yo schlap your ******
  • Lets piss some more people off
  • Baggin' dead people
  • Havin a go at dead people
  • Talkin' shit about dead people
  • How many cocks? (schlap the cock)
  • Tha day I was kidnapped (Part 1 of 17)

and many many other street anthems. Greer feels that "(she) needs to express her inner struggle with the streets and the bitter battle she has had to overcome" Another theme that features prominently on the album was her 'terrifying' kidnapping ordeal she describes as "My equivalent to 50 Cents ordeal, or Biggie Smalls or Tupac" (referring to the shootings) These comments have stunned hip hop fans worldwide. No official word has been released from Eminem, 50, Xzibit or Dr. Dre on the album but Greer is confident that they will be more than pleased to work together on the project. The album will be released sometime in late 2032. But by then Greer will probably have already been assassinated and/or died of over feministic qualities.

A remix album featuring more artists is also being planned well before the original album is completed.


Terminally Ill[edit | edit source]

Pam Grier, not Germaine Greer

Within days of Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin's fantastic death in September 2006, it was also reported that Greer had developed a rare and aggressive illness known as "Foot in Mouth Syndrome" better known as "Head in Arse Syndrome". Surgeons have insisted that it is an inoperable condition and will stay with a patient until their death.

Known symptoms of this disease include:

  • Frequent verbal bashing of well known Australians.
  • Constant annoying remarks that do nothing but infuriate people.
  • Encourage people to never support her work again, and inspire others.
  • Acting like a "female chauvinistic bitch" and a true activist against the evils of society - molesters of animals
  • Frequently commenting on matters she knows very little about, and answering biased journalist's questions.
  • Saying shit about dead people, because you're too much of a pussy to say it when they're alive
  • An amazing ability to enrage an entire population by simply opening her cavernous mouth (a mouth that is able to hold up to and including no less than 17 cocks at once)

The comment she made was that the animal world was taking it's revenge on Steve Irwin, despite the fact that Steve Irwin has "helped" more animals than this walking vagina could comprehend - minding the humanism and kinda helping millions of women to emancipate themselves. She probably also likes to kick homeless people.

The world's best doctors have urged the world to give up any hope that her condition will improve and to accept her fate as it is. The best advice is to block your ears of this owl's incessant hooting. Anyone who comes within close proximity of Ms Greer is advised to keep their distance and yell "get back in the kitchen, bitch!"

In this time of infirmity she wrote a book an rage, explaining why we should kick indigenous peoples.

Quotations[edit | edit source]

"I was a man once."

"I fucking hate swearing!"

"I, fuck Michael Jackson, like little boys and cannot see whats wrong with that"

"All men are evil unless they sleep with me" - in other words all men are evil.

"Just because I'm lesbian doesn't mean I've never liked the cock. I've actually had a cock or two in my time, but I had them removed years ago. If you look closely you can still see the scar on my forehead..."

"It's true, my genitalia is that of a man. Fucking Men"

"What was the question" "Schlapp the cock"'

Filmography[edit | edit source]

Barbie’s Booby Barby

Abo Cock #12

F*ckin’ in the Bush #7 ,8, 19, 32, 59

Bush F*cker Challenge #12, 14, 23

On Her Back in the Outback

Alexander Pearce ate me

Where's the cock?

Rumble Pie

Vatican United part 3: Holy Shit

Rambo IV

Schlappa Diek (Foreign Film)

Get Rich or Die Trying

Eastern Fantasy

See also[edit | edit source]