|Primary armament||Rolling assault|
|Power supply||Long rolling range|
|Special attack||Can call in cousin "Pogo Snake".|
Australia is home to millions of species capable of eradicating the human race (and lots of other races) from the face of this planet and the planet from which our alien ancestors came. Perhaps the most dangerous of all (with the obvious exception of the Drop Bear) is the Hoop Snake. However, ironically, the snake, while it exists in Australia, is not Australian. Although many Australians claim otherwise, it is important to bear in mind that Australians are all big fat liars.
The Hoop Snake, or Oxyuranus Hulaii, is native to New Zealand, although it was spread to Australia and the United States when several hoop snakes were shipped undetected in a boat carrying a load of hula hoops. It, like all other snakes, is a reptile and therefore is cold blooded. As everyone knows, the best killers are cold blooded killers. As everyone doesn't know, the Hoop Snake is the animal which gave rise to this adage.
Although the species originated in the mountains of New Zealand, Australians have long attempted to claim the hoop snake as their own. This is kind of greedy of them, as they already have the largest concentration of badass animals in the world.
On approximately 11 October each year, Australia's Hoop Snakes migrate to Wilsons Prom in Victoria to breed. They retire to the numerous caves dotted around the area and become particularly vicious. Many unsuspecting tourists go missing at this time.
New Zealand snakes have a different mating ritual. Every year in late spring for two weeks, hoop snakes will migrate to the most westerly point, where they sing sweet songs that cannot be heard by the human ear, and pine for their long lost relations in Australia. The Hoop Snake is born as an egg. The mother snake then sits on the egg for approximately 4 weeks, occasionally making the 4 mile trek to the ocean to hunt krill to maintain its body fat reserves. When the eggs hatch the baby snakes come out and they look so cute with their big round eyes and their forked, sticky-outy tongues.
The Hoop Snake lives forever, as it is suspected to be made almost entirely out of a titanium alloy that is virtually indestructible. Because of this, if they are able to build up momentum, they are capable of going on a rolling rampage, crushing everything in their path. A hoop snake traveling at full speed is capable of breaking through steel, stone and concrete.
Although many Australians say that wearing vegemite will prevent an attack, this is entirely false. While vegemite is the most effective way to prevent attacks by Drop Bears, it has actually been found to attract hoop snakes. The best repellent for hoop snakes are football socks, as hoop snakes will explode on contact with them. It is recommended that one throw football socks when attacked, but the best defense is to run uphill.
There are in fact hoop snakes. I have seen several, growing up in the foothills of the Canadian Rockies, but the snakes are very rare.
Researchers at the University of Calgary in Alberta Canada have a secret research program at the Canadian Rockies and Foothills Biogeoscience Institute at the Barrier Lake experimental station in the Kananaskis valley. (The G7 meetings were held in the valley several years ago, with world leaders in attendance, including George W. Bush. Hoop snakes were clandestinely used for back up security by the CIA during that conference.
This program must be kept secret, as the venom is so terribly poisonous and there is no known antidote. If it was to fall into the hands of terrorists, like Al Qeda or one of the weird militias or other such losers, it could be catastrophic for the planet. The institute staff are sworn to secrecy and will deny all knowledge of these rare snakes and this program.
Interestingly, this has nothing to do with the super poison venom. Alberta, a major energy producing area, funds energy research, and this is one of the projects. They want to unlock the secrets of how the hoop snake propels itself. It appears there is a micro bio radiation nuclear reaction at the cellular level within the spine of the hoop snake. This splits atoms and changes mass to energy as predicted by Einstein's equation of E=MC2. The snake continuously changes its center of gravity, thus being always lopsided, gravity causes it to roll forward.
In the future we may be riding in cars with no engine, just hoop snake derived tires.
The problem now is that the snakes specially bred to enhance this trait produce too much bio radiation, and self ignite, leaving radioactive remains about. This also happens in the wild, which is the reason the hoop snake is rare.
Scientists will find the answer though, if their funding is continued. This is a better use of our tax money than funding plastic coating turds as art. The University of Calgary is helping us get to the future, even if it is a top secret project. This has the possibility of solving our dependence on fossil fools in an organic green way.
Postscript: How do I know so much about it if this is so secret? I used to be a janitor for the institute, and was friendly with the staff, and they let a few things slip, and I sorted through the garbage and found corroborating proof. This is real.
The hoop snake is so deadly for 3 reasons:
1. Its ability to live unsuspected in the community until the time is right for an attack
2. Its unusual method of attack.
3. The fact that it lives in Australia, which means that it's experienced horrors beyond your wildest nightmares and nothing can phase it.
Living in Your Community
An entire family of Hoop Snakes could be living in your street and you wouldn't even know it. They could even be living right next door to you, or even be your own family. Beware! Be alert and alarmed, people.
Method of Attack
The Hoop Snake's attack works best from uphill. A Hoop Snake will wait at the top of a hill, mountain or even slight incline. It will wait until an unsuspecting victim walks past below doing something innocent and unsuspecting like going to the shops to buy some bread or walking around looking for cars to steal.
When the hoop snake spies its victim it bites its own tail to form the eponymous hoop. It then begins to roll towards the victim. With undulations of its muscular body it gains speed and momentum at an exponential rate. Before long it is careening headlong towards the unsuspecting victim who has just managed to get their jemmy down beside the car window.
At the last moment the snake lets go of its tail and hurtles through the air with its 5-inch fangs bared and pointing towards the victim's buttocks.
The fatal venom is administered and the victim is generally dead so quickly they manage only to say, "Holy crap. What the heck was tha..." before collapsing on the ground.
The Hoop Snake then administers anti-venom to itself for the bite on its own tail. This is the most expensive part of being a Hoop Snake so the snake will generally go through the victim's pockets looking for money and credit cards which it can use to get more anti-venom.
Alternate Method of Attack
Today's hoop snakes have developed a new and insidious way to attack. Taking advantage of the cartilaginous nature of their skeletal structure, they can arrange their bodies in a way that gives the appearance of cheap and rigid plastic, thus disguising themselves as hula hoops. Then they lay down in some conspicuous place and wait for victims. Some innocent person will come along, see what appears to an unattended hula hoop, pick it up and begin twirling it around their waist, only to have it come alive in mid-twirl. By the time the victim realizes they have been tricked, it's too late. This method is very clever on the hoop snakes' part, as they don't have to expend energy on rolling and leaping, and there is less chance of the victim escaping.
It is almost impossible to avoid being attacked by a Hoop Snake. They attack. It's just what they do. You can, however, learn and practise taking evasive action when the Hoop Snake does attack. School children in Australia and rural areas of New Zealand are routinely interrupted for Hoop Snake Drills during class, just in case.
The Hoop Snake relies on downhill slopes and the force of gravity to make its attacks. For this reason the best method of defence is a good offence. If you see a Hoop Snake rolling towards you, start running back uphill towards it. At just the right moment, step to the side like you're dodging a tackle from Glenn Lazarus. (If you're American and don't know who that is, look him up now, because lack of this knowledge could cost you your life.) The Hoop Snake will fly past you. Once it is downhill from you, you are safe. Timing is the most important factor here. Too late and you're dead. Too early and you're dead. Just right and you'll still die, but hopefully of old age. Practice makes perfect and there are plenty of Australian corporations that provide Hoop Snake training equipment so that you don't have to practice with the real thing. American corporations are too busy drinking beer.
The only way to avoid being attacked by a hoop snake pretending to be a hula hoop is to not pick up unattended hula hoops. If you see a hula hoop lying around and want to find out if it is really a hoop snake, poke it with a sharp stick. If it is only a hula hoop, nothing will happen. If it is a hoop snake, you just made a big mistake.
Buttock protection equipment is now available at Woolies. This is a thick arse-shaped piece of cardboard that you slide in the back of your stubbies. These protectors come in three sizes: scrawny, normal and bootylicious. Americans typically import equipment or insert steel plates in the seats of their pants.
For some reason, the snakes don't often attack Americans, especially ones that have grown up in or near the Appalachian mountains. They seem to have very distinct preferences in their prey and it is speculated that they migrated to Australia because Aussies have a very salty, vegemite-y flavour that they enjoy. Each year, hundreds of attacks on Australians are attributed to the hoop snake.
If you or a loved one do get bitten then you're probably going to wonder what you should do. The answer is that there is nothing you can do. Administer the last rites or whatever it is that your particular deity demands of you prior to the extinction of your pathetic little life. You're a goner, mate.
Hoop Snakes and Obesity
Because hoop snakes exist only in the two fattest countries in the world, some scientists have proposed a possible connection between the presence of hoop snakes and a high obesity rate. It is likely that the hoop snake's uncanny resemblance to a hula hoop causes Americans and Australians to fear using hula hoops. Without hula hoops to aid their workouts, their body weights skyrocket.