Pommies may not understand funny stuff, only humour. Canucks and Yanks may not understand anything at all.
Don't change a thing and she'll be right, mate!
The drop bear (Phascolarctos v. terroraustralis) is an Australian marsupial. Some claim that it is entirely derived from Aboriginal folklore and supposedly 'fake' fossil evidence. The source of denialism of this reputedly dangerouse animal can be traced to real-estate agent Larry Kingship. According to some sources, Kingship would dress up as a drop bear in order to scare off people who might be interested in purchasing the old Goldstream Hotel. Apparently he wanted to buy the land at a deflated price in order to stake a claim to the gold filled riverbed that ran through the grounds. This attempt was reputedly foiled by a team of meddling kids and their lovable dog. After their investigation the surviving member escaped her bonds and walked through the Australian desert for three days. There is no information about her current whereabouts or whether she retains evidence of Drop Bear bites.
Kingship's Drop Bear was reported to be more like a kangaroo than a koala. Its call, which sounded something like ‘oogity boogitdy’, resembled neither. A journalist questioned Kingship about the lack of his Bear's similarity to the original sketches in the mythical Captain Cook's almost equally mythical diary. (Note: Some learned sources insist that one or other of these items is not entirely mythical.) Kingship was reported to have said, "What? I was impersonating your mum." Unfortunately the interview was adjourned when shots were fired and the truth of his assertion cannot be confirmed.
Scientists, naturalists, Australians and God have tried to discredit evidence of the existence of this animal in antiquity by destroying fossils, rewriting history, starting rumours and inventing folk mythology. The creation of the Internet put a stop to this nonsense as there are now multiple and easily accessible testimonials that drop bears do in fact exist.
According to pommie paper The Times, the Drop Bear is a perfect example of convergent evolution with the vicious Drop Otters of Great Britain, although the two species are not related.
Important Information[edit | edit source]
People tell prospective travellers to Australia that there will be many attempts made to warn them about these animals but it is still possible that they may choose to ignore the many danger signs and animal watch tours. Some overseas visitors have been told that officials have been known to pay a hobo to put on a specially created suit and impersonate a Drop Bear in the zoo grounds. The sources of these rumours appear to be anti-immigration activists who hope to prevent tourists from overstaying their visas by increasing the likely hood of drop bear attack. This strategy is thought to pose no threat to the Australian Tourist Industry as the very same rumours are used to convince the tourists that no one will believe them.
There have been recent reports of evidence that Drop Bears once lived in Indonesia. According to the reports, these spurious Bears were an even larger version of the modern Australian version. Evolutionists will tell you this is because the ancestors of Indonesian Drop Bears are related to the ancestors of the devolved Australian bear. It is likely however that the Bears originated on the Australian Continent as most species grow to a smaller size when confined to Islands. As such, it may be concluded that the fossils found in Indonesia represent an earlier time period than those found in Australia.
Recent reports of the existence of a Giant American Drop Bear (see image far below) are still under investigation, however it is likely that, if validated, the Giant American Drop Bear would represent an example of convergent evolution, rather than a true relative of the Drop Bear.
Physical Appearance[edit | edit source]
Drop Bears resemble Koalas, with several noticeable differences:
- Koalas do not grow up to 2m in height.
- Koalas do not have sharp canine teeth (Used for bark or meat).
- It is unlikely for a Koala to have a tail.
- Koalas do not eat their young.
- Drop Bears do not have pouches.
- Drop Bears do not photograph well.
- Koalas are cute according to tourists, tourists don't survive saying that a drop bear is cute.
- If you see a Drop Bear, you are already dead.
Compared with Koalas, which some authorities insist are close relatives of these creatures, Drop Bears are usually browner in colour, ranging from dark brown to darker brown. They have short, thick, curls of fur, and four digits on each paw. The digit terminates in a long claw-like retractable nail. This makes them especially good at eye-gouging and slicing open the skin of their prey (a practice which can facilitate growth of particularly virulent strains of swamp-borne infection).
There have been rare sightings of Drop Bears on terra firma (i.e., not in trees) although there are some rare species which have not taken to the trees, and are the most dangerous. The only individuals to describe these have been American tourists, who wisely listened to their tour guide and placed vegemite, behind their ear and/or on their nose (this being the only known protection against this species). Unfortunately these descriptions have been seized by the A.D.O.R.S.P.A (Australian Department Of Rare Species Protection Agency) in order to keep tourists travelling to Australia. This species can be found in all states of Australia and comes out mainly at day time.
The fact some Drop Bears don't live in trees makes the suggestion that the Drop Bear's unusual lack of digits makes it very difficult for the animal to gesticulate like a human being. Nevertheless, this deficit does not prevent the Bears from trying to emulate this action as best they can. That this can sometimes be quite successful is supported by a report of a Drop Bear who appeared to be attempting to copy Chris Warbol. [Link required to explanation or expose of Chris Warbol.]
Habitat[edit | edit source]
The Common Drop Bear is usually to be found in the Tall Forests of Victoria and South Australia. One such example is the town of Glenburn in Victoria, due to the numerous reports of drop bears it has resulted in a drop in the population because residents feared for their lives and fled. Drop Bears are also known to inhabit the Mangrove Swamps of the Northern Territory and Queensland. The animals like to spend most of the time in the tree tops. This gives them a good launching spot for a drop upon unsuspecting prey, an activity which led to their common name. Drop Bears are notoriously hard to spot whilst in their natural habitat as their fur camouflages well with the olive grey hue of the foliage. [Note: other variations of Drop Bear have been recorded with characteristics which are more suited to their differing habitats. These include the rare Snow Drop Bear (white fur), the Lesser Aquatic Drop Bear (mottled blue) and the Shallow Water Drop Bear (aqua blue fur)]
Despite its name the Shallow Water Drop Bear is not restricted to just shallow waters, it can also swim out to sea. This special type of Drop Bear poses a major threat to sharks and boats (the Shallow Water Drop Bear's favourite foods). The Shallow Water Drop Bear can be cannibalistic, at times a vegetarian and at other times it can be an omnivore (it will even eat sand) this type of Drop Bear is not to be confused with Sea Monkeys.
Prey[edit | edit source]
The primary prey of Drop Bears are unsuspecting tourists, often Welsh or German but usually US American or Japanese. It is commonly understood that the Bears favour those with cameras, due to the entrancing reflection of the sun's rays from the glass lenses on a typical Aussie scorcher of a day. It is not true that Drop Bears are merely mesmerized by their reflections in the instruments or harbour a conscious or unconscious desire to be photographed. There is no truth in the rarely misquoted assertion that they wish to be "at one with the lens". It is a well known fact that the Australian Government would have banned tourism long ago had it not been for the fact that with no tourists, the drop bears would have been forced to feed on Australians.
Other factors are responsible for causing the natives of some countries to be more attractive then others to Drop Bears. When lost in the Australian bush, German tourists are known to excrete a musky odour (apparently a fear response) which has been shown to attract Drop Bears from up to 5km (approx 3 miles) away.
Although the Drop Bears are attracted to light they, like their similarly sozzled koalic cousins, are often too drunk or too hung over to handle an excess of it. Fortunately this factor, coupled with the sometimes predictable nature of the Australian climate, keeps Drop Bears contained to the tree tops in most situations. A carefully pointed camera may catch one arsing around up there or placidly enjoying the gum juices.
Drop bears particularly enjoy the taste of children as they are plump, perfect sized and go oh so great with gum leaves... When a drop bear does manage to catch one of these delicacies, he will swallow it whole, the only reason that they don't swallow adults is because their flesh tastes like crap... Children are known to be considered such delicacies, that drop bears will push their own mates and babies from the tree just so it doesn't need to share it.
It is a commonly held misconception that Drop Bears are vicious Vampires. Whilst a sub-species of marsupial almost identical in appearance to the Drop Bear has been reported to display vicious tendencies upon contact with Homo Sapiens, the true Drop Bear is just as often gentle and tender as it is aggressive. Because of this inexplicable fluctuation of mood Drop Bears are considered unpredictable and 'dangerous'. It is, however, widely rumoured that the aggression of native Australian Drop Bears is increasing in both scale and sophistication. Recently cited examples of Drop Bear activity include Schapelle Corby's first name and (surprisingly unrelated) her incarceration for drug trafficking (having allegedly packed her boogie-board bag). Other reported activities include the 2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami, Gretel Killeen and Prime Minister John Howard's anus, rectum and left buttock, colloquially and collectively referred to as "Alexander Downer". (This site disclaims all responsibility for this.)
It should be noted that the official research arm of the Australian Government, the CSIRO, is currently investigating claims of increased aggression in the Drop Bear population of Pine Gap. An unpublished paper allegedly found elevated levels of G-23 Paxilon Hydrochlorate in the tissues of (*cough*) ...subdued... Drop Bears. If confirmed, the implications of this discovery would be absolutely devastating for the Australian economy, for the morale of the populace and for sporting event telecast rights. The implied reason for this conclusion is that it would confirm Joss Whedon is, in fact, a Drop Bear. And a cute one, too.
Drop Bears have had some devastating effects on the environment. Central Australia now consists of vast tracts of treeless desert due to the voracious appetites of the local Drop Bear population coupled with the dearth of American tourists and escaped Boat People in the area. This has increased carbon dioxide levels to highly predictable proportions. Scientists have noted that there is now a large hole in the ozone layer above Australia.
In recent times, Drop Bears have been forced to move into urban areas due to deforestation. In 2003, fatalities due to Drop Bear attacks reached a devastating high when the population of Adelaide was completely wiped out. After the attacks, a Drop Bear sanctuary was created on the site of the former city, and 90% of Australia's Drop Bear population was moved here and put under the rule of the Kintiser. Sadly, the sanctuary was not to last. In February of 2005, the Kintiser was assassinated by 500 drop bears and Queensland stole the last drop of water from the River Murray. Once again, the Drop Bears were deprived of their main water supply. The Drop Bears protested this outside Parliament house in Canberra, where they were unjustly accused of being illegal immigrants and promptly deported to the Philippines. It was thought prudent not send them in the same facilities housing illegal boat people as these individuals have been already been targeted as a major food source for the animals. It is rumoured that the remaining 10% of Drop Bears are currently lobbying the Australian government to acknowledge their fellow furries' right to full citizenship and to return them to the land of their birth. However this rumor appears to be a little far-fetched.
Other little known facts about Drop Bears are that they have a top speed of 400 km/h, can eat a human in 1/100 of a second and incubate their offspring in the human male. While the latter fact is heavily disputed it would not be wise to be near a Drop Bear in mating season, especially if you are a male.
Geographical distribution[edit | edit source]
A related drop bear (ursus nuciferous), a smaller and extremely vicious beast inhabits Cocos Islands. It has been known to attack mainland Australians. Wounds have the appearance of gravel rash, the kind normally associated with motor bike accidents. Police are still skeptical of the animal's existence, but are wary of challenging the locals' animist beliefs in court. The sound of motor bikes can send the little bastards into a frenzy, locals believe that the presence of an empty beer keg or two empty cartons of beer will almost guarantee an attack on a motor cyclist.
As you can see from the map above, drop bears tend to be found in the southern, eastern and south-western parts of Australia where there tends to be more trees for them to drop from. Drop bears find it difficult to drop from spinifex bushes and flat desert wastelands, plus with few victims to prey on in central Australia, their distribution is predictably lower. There are reports of periodic attacks on opal miners in Coober Pedy, and bloodied corpses of tourists at Uluru, so do not let your guard down when in these areas - drop bear attacks still happen!
Prevention of Drop Bear Attacks[edit | edit source]
Preventing attacks from Drop Bears can be easy (and fun) if you know how.
- Avoid walking under trees. If for some bizarre reason you feel a compelling urge to walk under every tree you see, attempt to avoid the chainsaw of natural selection by lying down under trees and spitting upward. Drop Bears will typically spit back down at you. If you successfully detect a Drop Bear - Move. Quickly. These fuckers don't take prisoners
- Do not camp or pitch tents under trees. Especially trees with long overhanging branches. If the drop bears don't get you, the eucalypt's annoying habit of shedding boughs during dry conditions will.
- Rub Vegemite (non kids) behind your ears. Drop Bears cannot abide the smell of Vegemite. Do not fall for the common mistake of rubbing toothpaste behind your ears: that's just silly. Stick to the Vegemite! Do not be lured by the misconception that rubbing the shit of an Australian politician behind your ears will prevent attack. It may stink but it's full of bullshit!
- Drop Bears have been known to be allergic to sub-machine gun rounds. It would be a good idea to carry a sub-machine gun on your next camping trip. Carry it in plain sight at all times, even in 'cities' and around coppas (the Australian term for what Americans call 'Pigs'.)
- If you really dont want to be attacked by a Drop Bear then try not to walk under trees that growl at you. or ones that say "oi cunt?"
- If you see a drop bear and it sees you too there is very little that you can do, but some say that if you talk to the Drop Bear it may think you are a complete retard, some have never seen a retard before and they think it is a contagious disease, so acting like this may help... but if they have encountered someone with this tactic before they may just eat you anyway.
- Play all the Kid's Bop series of CDs continuously if you are anywhere near Drop Bear territory. Drop Bears are inclined to drop on children because their anal teeth can easily digest one so small. However, a whole platoon of screeching children is quite a different matter all together (YOU try shoving a platoon of pre-teens up your ass and see hows' you like it).
- Stick forks in your hat. While this may not actually prevent the Drop Bear from attacking you, it will certainly deter it from attacking you again.
- Before setting out on a bushwalk (aka Magic Roundabout) trickle rivulets of your own urine on your footwear.
- If you suspect an encroaching attack by a Drop Bear, walk on your hands. This totally confuses drop bears, as they begin to wonder if they are actually below you looking up through the ground. This is so distressing for the Bear that it often triggers an onset of SEHS.
- WARNING: Although drop bears prefer to live in the wild, the recent 7 year drought has driven many of them into the Central Business Areas of major cities. Although widely suppressed in the media, there have been a number of incidents of Drop Bears plummeting from city office blocks and killing pedestrians. No reports are yet confirmed as drops from as high as the 40th floor do not leave much of either the victim or the Drop Bear for the purposes of identification. Do not step on suspicious street substances as this may destroy vital evidence. Be careful under buildings, as 300 Drop Bears can live on a single building, and often hunt as a pack.
- Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT take certain brands of beer or articles of food into the bush. Drop Bears have a supernatural smell gland which enables them to locate their favorite brands of beer and food. The definition of food may not be entirely obvious even if it is understood. It should be noted that the Common Drop Bear has a predilection for the Lesser Brained American Tourist, especially members of famous bands.
- For some weird reason, drop bears never eat Aussies. Pretending to be Australian doesn't help. Drop Bears are always suspicious of accents which sound like Paul Hogan.
- Wear goggles- Drop Bear's find the eyeball meat the most delicious, if they see that they cant get to their favourite part of the meal they may decide not to eat you.
- German WW I helmets with the spikes on the head were introduced in June of 1916 when the Australian 105th Laundry and Dirty Tricks Brigade started dropping drop bears into the enemy trenches from special "eucalyptus zeppelins," and to this day a more potent deterrent has yet to be found. German soldiers still dropped like flies when faced with the sheer force of the drop bear armies launched from the blimps in their thousands. Several Australian Aircraft were overthrown by the little critters, resulting in the Great Drop Bear War or 1917, fought in Australia and along the western front. Gallipoli is a famous battle from that war
- if you want to prevent a drop bear from raiding you campsite spread a 6 pack of lite beer around your campsite. the scent of the lite beer repels the drop bear away from your campsite. WARNING:do not place XXXX beer around your campsite. This will only attract more drop bears and they will stay for hours more. If beer is essential (as it often is) only bring Fosters. The smell alone will knock out a healthy adult Drop Bear for up to 4 hours.
- Always have a shotgun in your hand. It is amusing to yell "that's what I thought!" :)
- Wear counterfeit items (fake watches, bags, etc). For some reason they scare Drop Bears off (possible allergy to intellectual property breach).
- Leave Australia! For some reason, 99% of attacks are on the continent. If you leave the Southern Hemisphere, your chance of being involved in a drop bear attack, drops by 87.6783%
- Wearing a cork hat after covering your face with Vegemite has been known to keep away Drop Bears. This may be because the scent of the Vegemite confuses the Drop Bears into thinking that you're Australian. Be careful though, because if the entire face isn't covered, it has been known to fail.
See also[edit | edit source]
- Hoop Snake
- Warrior Wombat
- Tasmanian devil
- Killer Kangaroo
- John Howard is also within the same family of animals
References[edit | edit source]
[edit | edit source]
- This is the exclusive source where 98.4% of the above article comes from see here.
I nearly crapped myself in fear watching this!