Joss Whedon
“Way to be, sonny!”
Joss Whedon (a.k.a. God, born 1964, recently cancelled) is the pseudonym of Joe Swindon, a well known, multi-talented novelist, pianist, politician, porn star and rogue demon hunter.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Joe Swindon, the son of Tom Swindon and the grandson of Oscar Wilde, comes from a long tradition of rogue demon hunters and misquoted dudes. He invented the pseudonym Joss Whedon in order to confuse reporters and correspondents with an obscure name. Most reporters, however, do not fall for it and report his name correctly as Josh Windon.
Film and television[edit | edit source]
| “ | Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the road less traveled by and they CANCELLED MY FRIKKIN' SHOW. I totally shoulda took the road that had all those people on it. Damn | ” |
Joss earned his fame and fortune by adapting the chick flick Buffy the Vampire Slayer, written and directed by Taxman, into a highly successful porn film called Buffy the Vampire Layer, and later into a TV series by the same name, dealing with the misadventures of an intelligent airhead named Buffy, pursued by evil vampires to become a cheerleader.
Abusing his initial success with Buffy, he created a spin off, called Angela, featuring a beautiful vampiress with a mole that travels to Hollywood, and tries to convince producers that despite her immense beauty, she does have a personality since she was cursed with a mole.
His latest venture was using the vast amounts of money he earned from his earlier ventures in order to buy Fox TV, so that he could implement some of his evil plans to take over the world by broadcasting a TV series called Firefly backwards, starting from the last episode, and then cancelling every good show the network had and replacing it with reality and porn.
Joss was an old friend of Nathan Fillion and the pilot on his starship, Anxiety. It was there that he met, fell in love with, and married Fillion's first mate Samus Aran. Their happiness was short-lived, however (as all of his relationships are), when a Reaver (coincidentally named Buffy) mistook Joss for a Vampire and stabbed him through the heart with a wooden stake. Joss had neglected to tell anyone that he was immortal and would come back to life a few years later, so everyone believed him to be dead and gone forever. By the time he came back to life, Samus had already moved on and married Gordon Freeman. The two are still good friends, and they and Fillion like to get together and reminisce about their adventures, many of which we will never hear about, because the Blue Sun Corporation has intercepted and destroyed most of the records of Anxiety's adventures.
Joss Whedon directed and produced the TV show that pretty much epically failed in 2009, called Dollhouse. It was a sci-fi show that only ran for one season (or at least, hopefully only one). It was based on an urban legend based on a distant cousin of the idea behind Invasion of the Body Snatchers, in which people are kidnapped and reduced to semi-zombie consumer status. The show starred some guy dumber than a brick, Ray Charles, the Queen of the Damned (aka Akasha) who cleverly faked a British accent to land the role, and Eliza Dushku's breasts. The show pissed off the feminists, raised some general hullabaloo for an episode that featured sex with animals, and was deemed Class-A Torture Porn.
Finally, in 2010, Hollywood released a documentary into the life of Whedon called "Megamind". It shows his early life on his doomed home planet and his subsequent arrival on earth. The story takes on a metaphorical twist showing his battles and misadventures with mainstream TV networks represented by Metro Man and the prediction that he would one day succeed in a hostile takeover only to find his life meaningless. They send a strong message to Whedon that without them to cancel his shows his powers would be meaningless and leave him impotent.
Godhood[edit | edit source]
No one knows exactly how and whence Joss Whedon was erected into godhood, but one thing is certain beyond reasonable doubt: Joss Whedon is my master now. The reader should note the word "my" in the previous sentence should not be interpreted in the narrow sense as the possessive form of "I", the one who wrote this text, but in the wider, global, collective, interjectional form, as in "my god!".
Joss is now widely recognized as God par-excellence, especially in the ever-expanding circles of the Church of Buffy and the Church of Joss where he is celebrated as their chief deity. While some people still deny Joss godhood, the number of non-believers is rapidly dwindling. No one knows what cause Joss non-believers to mysteriously disappear. Rumors of vast armies of vampires, space cowboys in tight pants, zombified mutant enemies and a woman wearing the US-flag as her panties being involved has been denied.
Joss is considered by many theists to be the most frugal of the modern day gods, since he only occasionally requires his faithful to huff a chicken and when he does it is mandatory only on Fridays.
Uprising[edit | edit source]
In early 2006 Joss non-believers formed a co-alliance with the mighty Captain Slaphead, of Star Truck fame and all his followers, The Baldies. This alliance, penned by journalists as Seekers Analyzing and Noting Evil or S.A.N.E, who have been steadily amassing their forces in the northern hemisphere in case of the need to strike against the Whedon followers all share the specific belief that Whedon is in fact overrated and his best work remains his exploratory porn docu-drama Toy Stories, which is complete rubbish, of course. There are many rumours of the alliances headquarters being in Scottish town Falkirk though this is still to be confirmed.
Possessing Thunderbirds-like technology they are well stood to face Whedon, believing that they may be able to eventually transport him into the Phantom Zone. This is of course, impossible, because of the energy shield that constantly surrounds him, protecting him from all harm.
Overlord of Marvel[edit | edit source]
Fresh off his victory, Lord Joss's services were summoned by Kevin Feige to win over followers in Disney's recently conquered Marvel territory. This allowed him to successfully convert the Avengers, though detractors argue that Joss was carried by a strong supporting cast and film score. Whedon was pronounced the overlord of Marvel land with the Church of Joss being proclaimed as the state religion until his regime was overthrown by its inhabitants after his robotic enforcer Ultron ran out of batteries.
Second uprising and downfall[edit | edit source]
In 2017, Joss was hired by snake oil salesmen at Warner Bros. for his most daunting task yet: to convert the demonic Justice League, recruit them into his cult, stop them from being edgy, emo, and "humorless" and make them more Disney-esque, following his successful conversion of the Avengers. He was equipped with only a rock and a stick, requiring him to rely on only his divine powers. Quite an impossible task but he tried. He successfully converted Superman, making him grow a Dirty Sanchez mustache, and caused Flash to go insane and hump WonderGal, a random female fan, and a couple in Hawaii. He mostly left Aquaman alone as the man was seemingly already possessed. Unfortunately, he was dealing with the alcoholic Batfleck, and was allergic to non-WASPy folks such as WonderGal and black people like Ray Fisher. This trio proved so difficult to convert that they caused his prior TV black magic to come undone, and all his parademon minions, including even Buffy Summers, turned on him and joined the church of Zack Snyder.
Whedon escaped through a portal was beheaded in slo-mo by WonderGal and her Godkiller sword to cap his downfall. Upon inevitably respawning as the man was actually part vampire, he was thrown under a bus by Walter Hamada, which scared away all his remaining followers except me. Joss now lives and respawns endlessly in Granny Goodness' basement on Apokolips, crying himself to sleep every night as he plays around aimlessly with his toy "Mommy boxes" and figurines and fruitlessly plots his second coming to Earth so he can exact revenge on the real vampire hunters who canceled him. Still my master, though!
Now let me keep chanting to one day bring Lord Joss back to life in this world. "Buffy Buffy brunch Doeschevsky Buffy Buffy brunch Doeschevsky..."