|The Justice League|
The Justice League Issue #1
|Run:||January 1, 2001 – Present|
William Randolph Hearst
|Issues:||255 to date|
The Justice League, also called the Justice League of America or JLA, is a superhero team that appears in comic books in the Real Comics universe. Created by Stan Lee and William Randolph Hearst, it follows the adventures of a self-proclaimed league of heroes named the Justice League, who fought their enemies on the Axis of Evil. Approximately 256 issues have been released.
- 1 The League
- 2 Axis of Evil
- 3 Plot
- 4 Death of the League
- 5 Impact
Daring Dubya (played throughout the whole series) was the founder of the league. His real name is George Bush. George Bush is actually an alien from the barren oil rich planet Texon. Sensing an impending WMD attack that would destroy the entire planet(it never came), his parents launched him out of a cannon to a planet called earth.
Earth's patriot act gave George powers that no other politician was able to do before. On Earth George has 10 times the power of an average politician, allowing him to jump over constitutional rights in a single leap. George also has the ability to tap into and hear the conversations of others. Some of his other abilities are immunity to the Geneva Convention as well as the United Nations and poll numbers, and the ability to detain others without their rights.
However, Daring Dubya does have one weakness. Special materials called Liberalite and Democrite can weaken his political powers and force him to work with the people he is sworn to protect. Daring Dubya is also vulnerable to flag burning, donuts, shiny pennies, and beer.
The Blair Lantern
The Blair Lantern(also played throughout the whole series) is a native to the United Kingdom named Tony Blair who summons his powers from a ring given to him by his wife, which he claims is a blair witch. When Tony Blair recites the Blair creed, he is transformed into the Blair Lantern, who can bend questions thrown at him by reporters to his will. Blair can form walls of lies that stall reporters from getting to other members of the League as long as his willpower can hold. If he cannot hold his willpower he becomes a political debacle. The Blair Lantern's main purpose on the league is to show that Daring Dubya isn't just the single most hated politician in the world, he has an accomplice that will drag down with him as well.
The Blair Creed
In darkest day, in lightest night,
Some evil may escape my sight,
I just hope to god it isn't a terrorist,
Or my wife,
Oh just fuck it ring on!
Looks like it's tea time!
Harpman and Howin
Harpman and Howin(Mentioned throughout the series but only seen in the beginning) are the aliases of Stephen Harper and John Howard. They have no powers, but they do have utility belts which include harparangs to deliver backhand shots at opponents, bulletproof capes, and a political grappling hooks in them. Harpman and Howin do not really even show up throughout the series, but they seemingly help out the league behind the scenes, where nobody seems to care outside of the land down under and Canada.
Harpman became a politician to counter a liberal that sent his parents to prison for murder. Today he fights to remove the laws that make society stable. Howin came along as an accomplice after Harpman found him lying on the ground in an Australian alley - cold, chewing on a Kangaroo leg, and using a dead bum for warmth. Harpman fixed him right up and today the fight the forces of oppression with the League.
- The Red Kwasniewski with the power to be forgotten
- Captain Malaki aligns himself with the League, though it is unknown which side he really takes.
- Captain Sex Joined once even though he is a Democrat. He joined to Defeat his wife The Living Bitch. He has the power of Refusing claims of Relations with woman.
- The Nebraskan Lawyerhunter is a defunct quail hunter with the mission to preserve Justice by supporting Daring Dubya
- HagelHawk and The Allard are two members of the league who later defected to the axis.
Axis of Evil
Lad Osamor (seen throughout the series) is a rich Arab oil tycoon, and terrorist in his spare time. He also is founder of the Axis of Evil. Lad Osamor's chief abilities are fear, surprise, hiding, and propaganda. Lad is never seen in person throughout the series with the exception of the beginning. He is rather seen through his transmissions that mock the Justice League. Lad Osamor has no known weaknesses, but it was proven in issue #32 that he was not impervious to Daring Dubya's carpet bombing in an attempt to flush him out of the mountains, in which he was only injured slightly. Lad keeps a small tube of Polonium with him at all times as a sort of mystical item to keep Dubya away from him. However, all it has warded away is his chance to not get cancer. The Polonium hasn't done anything to Bush, however while eating at a sushi restaurant in the United Kingdom, he accidentally left his polonium tube at his table. However Lad had a spare so he was content.
Captain Cold War
Captain Cold War (seen in later parts of the series) is a dictator from the far east. His real name is Kim Jong-Il. Kim is your average crazy dictator - his name is funny, he has dangerous weapons he holds the world hostage with, and he likes Daffy Duck. Captain Cold War has the ability to freeze negotiations with the UN, wear a gay looking jump suit, and starve entire countries as long as it's his own. His weakness is that he really sucks as a supervillain altogether - not even his allies consider him to be his ally because he is just too damn crazy.
Mr. Hmdnjd (seen also in the latter parts of the series) is a sane, calculating dictator from a strange from the 5th dimension's equivalent of the middle east. His name is pronounced "Ahmadinejad" as in his real name Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Mr. Hmdnjd's powers include transparency(rather than invisibility) that hides his nuclear weapons, and a combination of Fascism and Antisemitism that makes him invulnerable to political attack without extreme controversy.
Mr. Hmdnjd does have one weakness, and that is making him pronounce his name incorrectly. Should you be able to do this, he will be sucked into a wormhole leading into the Iranian capital building until he manages to get another flight to your general area, where he will repeatedly beat you with a decorative crescent moon.
- Black Democrat - leader of the congressional seas who leads a horde of angry Democrats
- Kerriac - a computer from Massachu-1 with the power to insult troops. Main supplier of Democrite in the 2004 crisis on infinite ballots.
- Jin-Toy man - a man with the power to create poisonous McDonald's happy meal toys to steal American jobs. He's also a commie.
- Mexallo - a villain with stealth-like abilities to cross borders rebuilt to steal the money of taxpayers. He is powered by a Liberalite core.
- Hussestro - a dictator that met his end.
- The Living Bitch - wife of Captain Sex Who turned evil when she found out her husband cheated on her. She got hit by a bitchslap and turned into the living bitch.
Issues #1 to #5
Lad Osamor was playing with his radio controlled airplane in America while visiting family. Next door, George Bush was creating a 1/144 scale model of the Empire state building. To be a dick Lad crashed his plane into George's building, which he just finished. This pissed George off. Thus, George assembled a league of superheroes for the single purpose of getting back at Lad Osamor by blaming 9/11 on him. Lad, in return, created the Axis of Evil to fight his Justice League.
Issues #6 - #50
Daring Dubya started off by visiting Afghanistan with the rest of The League much to the dismay of the other superheroes in the United Nations. Looking an an Afghan phone book, they soon found Lad's mansion. They put camel crap into a bag, set it on fire, rung the doorbell and hid. Lad tried to stamp out the fire only to have his robe catch on fire and to have camel crap on his shoe. Pissed off, he sends a video tape of himself having sex with his deputy Al Zawahiri. In return the league vandalized his home by carpet bombing it(similar to TPing a house, but with carpet rather than Toilet paper). Lad Osamor tried to take it down only to injure himself and several assistants.
Issues #51 - #100
At this time Hussestro joined the axis of evil. Hussestro used the power of his ring to become a dictator in his country several years earlier. However it was only until he joined the league that he was claimed to be part of the Axis of Evil. Hussestro was visited by the League when he wasn't home. They inserted a cherry bomb into his toilet. Unknowing to them, Hussestro had a gas leak in his home at the time, and the entire house exploded when they threw the cherry bomb into it. The people rejoiced and started to create a democratic government. When Hussestro saw that his house was destroyed, he went into the streets and lived in a cardboard box until he was eventually found and captured. Angered by this, Lad Osamor sent some of his lackeys into Iraq to prevent the league from demeaning him more. However, the leader assigned to the operation - Solomon Zarqawi - was burnt to death after the league tried to prank him by releasing all the Propane in his grill's propane tank into his house. When Solomon Zarqawi wanted burgers a few hours later and he was unable to start his grill, he proceeded into his house and lit his gas range. The entire house blew up.
Dubya was now feeling pressure at home by his people. Karriac would have nearly defeated him in the 2004 crisis on infinite ballots if it wasn't for his political fortress of fundamentalism, which soon started to crumble below him. It is expected that the Black Democrat would soon take over his position after his expected political death in 2008.
Issues #101 - #150
Captain Cold War makes his presence known by launching a nuclear missile towards Japan. Unfortunately because all maps in North Korea are distorted to make the country look grander than every other country, they missed Japan by 100 miles, though they claim they did not. Pissed off because of this, Daring Dubya starts to complain to the UN. They try to stop Captain Cold War by crippling it's already poor importing. Unfortunately Captain Cold War cares not initially until he finds he himself starving after the celebration that they claimed destroyed Japan. He still clings to his precious missiles, though.
At the same time Mr. Hmdnjd makes his name known by claiming to have nuclear missiles. He was quickly added as a member of the axis of evil. He also participated in a Nazi rally in Tehran the next day as a celebration. This pissed everyone off, including Jews, Palestinians, and drugged Iranian college students. Of course, that's not going to stop Mr. Hmdnjd.
At this point the new leader of Iraq Captain Al Malaki took office. He was unable to stop Lad Osamor's pranks effectively because of Dubya's longing to drag the war out after his adviser Doctor Rumsfeld said it was the best way to go. Al Malaki much to the dismay of Dubya executed Hussestro by hanging. His people did not rejoice because at the time of his execution it was Christmas and that was a pretty lousy Christmas present on Captain Malaki's part.
Issues #201 - #250
Dubya lost some of his territory to his enemies(the Democrats) in the great 2006 congressional war. Underhanded tactics pinning Donald Rumsfeld with Democrite allowed them to get 51% of the capitol area under their control once again since General Darkseid took over their reign 12 years ago. Nancy Pelosi finally takes control as Il Duce of congress for the next few years. Bush and his followers are demoralized due to their loss.
At this point several of Dubya's allies - HagelHawk and The Allard in particular - unofficially defect to the other side. Dubya was losing the fight for freedom faster than Paris Hilton lost her virginity. In short, he was in trouble, and the only thing he could do is corroborate with Il Duce or prevent her from advancing with his VetoVision™ or call a Filibuster™ with the help of the Nebraskan Lawyerhunter. However, it is only a matter of time before her Omega Beam would pierce through his powerful defenses. At this point this is where the comic stops at a cliffhanger.
Issues #251 - #255
Captain Sex jumps in and helps Dubya and Nebraskan Lawyerhunter giving them enough power to destroy the Omega ray. Dubya asks why a democrat is helping the league.Captain Sex replies by talking about his wife The Living Bitch who is trying to run for president. Dubya, Sex and Lawyerhunter go get the other members and head off to defeat her and the The axis. Then it turns out The Living Bitch is a member of The Axis. They engage in a battle till all the League dies. Then, all the axis members face death except Hussestro, the already dead member. This leaves off at another cliffhanger.
Death of the League
Recently, a special edition of the comic came out depicting the death of the league. The deaths go as follows:
- The Blair Lantern was teabagged by the Parliamentary Force
- Howin choked on a vegemite sandwich.
- Harpman was beaten to death with a maple tree
- Daring Dubya was defeated by The Black Democrat
- Captain Malaki was killed by Mr. Hmdnjd after a dispute in a plane about weapons deals led to him being ejected out of the plane
- Captain Sex died suffered a fatal stroke during a session with Monica Lewinski
- The Nebraskan Lawyerhunter was shot in a face by, ironically a lawyer
- HagelHawk and The Allard die of natural causes
- Another member was depicted as being defeated by The Duck but he is only shown as a silhouette
The axis was eventually defeated too:
- Lad Osamor eventually died after crashing into a building
- Captain Cold War starves to death after spending all of his budget on his nuclear missles
- Mr. Hmdnjd is beaten to death by the Union of Superheroes
- The Black Democrat dies after being exposed to Republicite
- Kerriac is eventually defeated by the US army after laughing at them for their inability to solve the anti-life equation
- Jin-Toy Man dies after a exposure to numerous lead paints
- Mexallo dies after he pulls out his own Liberalite core, shutting him down for an interval for which he was deported into Latin America. He was shortly shot to death by a Bolivian resistance squad.
- Hussestro is already dead.
- The Living Bitch dies in an anti-video game rally after being swallowed by a pool of cosplayers
Just like this font probably has impacted you if you have the font impact, this comic has radically changed the political landscape.
Well, no. It didn't really affect anything in Washington at all(or even outside his dead bowels). It had some media coverage, but alas, nobody seems to really care. The comic was an absolute failure in the hardcore comic ring, with Blair Butler declaring it a comic that is worth more as firewood than reading material. Of course, if Blair lived in Post World War I Germany, she would be correct. However, the comic was not released in Post World War I Germany, and so it would probably be worth more reading than, say, heating a home.
However, for normal people that do have lives it was a refreshing alternative to cliché comics involving superheroes saving the day. It shall be remembered in the hearts and minds of those who read it for years to come as the only comic where they don't know what was going on, because normal people know just about as much about politics as US actors know about real life.