Evil Illuminati Adolf Hitler Clone Society
The Evil Illuminati Adolf Hitler Clone Society is a secret society of clones of former Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler intent on world conquest. Under the leadership of Evil Elvis, Noam Particular and Eva Braun II, they have become one of the greatest nuisances to the earth in years, and are very close to being considered an actual threat by the FBI. Despite its name, the society is in fact no longer connected to the Illuminati, as they had been expelled from the organization for not taking their goal of world domination seriously enough.
History[edit | edit source]
Before the Split[edit | edit source]
After World War II the Illuminati, impressed by Hitler's early successes in the war's opening phase, sought to harness his military skill by retreiving his brain, despite claims that there was too much fuss over Hitler already and they ought to use the brain of someone less known like Erwin Rommel, who was rumored to be able to destroy Hitler with using his body nor physic powers. Unfortunately, after the organ had been reanimated, it became apparent that the effects of being shot and burned had taken its toll when they followed its advice of attacking Russia on the coldest day of the year with their entire invasion force of twelve butt naked and armed only with snowballs. The only survivor of this disastrous attack was so annoyed with the brain he flushed it down the nearest toilet. Although it was recovered, it was determined that it would be impossible to reanimate the thing again. A new method would be needed to harness Hitler's stategic planning abilties.
After some thought, the Illuminati decided to use what remained of the brain to create a clone of Hitler. Unfortunately, to do this they would need the help of a Nazi Scientist, and all the good ones had already been taken by the USA and the USSR. The Illuminati had to make do with a drunken slacker, who proved to be thoroughly incompetent and left the Illuminati with an abundance of lazy unsuccessful clones who didn't contribute anything and frequently came close to blowing the organization's cover. Finally, the leader of the Illuminati had the scientist sacked, expelled the Hitler clones, and sold the right to make a film about cloning Hitler's brain to recoup the losses his organization suffered.
Early Activites[edit | edit source]
The Fall of Noam Particular[edit | edit source]
This new leader purged the Society's ranks, maintaining discipline within the organization by terror, and launched a new wave of potentially lethal pranks while making gains on conquering the world. Matters came to a head when Alex Jones was nearly killed by an exploding cigar they had planted at his desk. The sleeping giant awoken, he proceeded to launch all-out war against the Society, determined to bring them down. His big break came in 2006, when he kidnapped the Illuminati scientist responsible for the reanimation of Hitler's brain, and had him reanimate the brain of a Society member who had taken aspartame after being caught trying to talk Madonna into running for President. From the brain, he discovered that the leader of the Society was a man known as Noam Ian Particular, who had grown bored of his splendidly dull life and resolved to spice it up by hanging out with some sort of gang.
Jones dispatched Paul Joseph Watson to kill Particular. After failing to kill him with a car bomb, a cursed videotape produced by Orson Wells's ghost (originally intended to kill William Randolph Hearst) and dropping a grand piano on him from the top of a building (it bounced off a trampoline and hit Watson instead) Watson eventually resolved to kill Particular personally. While he was unable to take him out alone, he was assisted by his apprentice Eva Braun II, a former member of the Society who had been the only survivor of his purging of the organization's most dangerous members. The two were able to dispatch Particular, but on their return to Jones to inform him of his nemesis's demise Braun ditched Watson at a rest stop and drove back to the Society's HQ, where she assumed leadership of the Organization.
Organization[edit | edit source]
Membership[edit | edit source]
Membership of the Evil Illuminati Adolf Hitler Clone Society was originally limited to 12,500 people worldwide, but this number was increased during the rule of Clone #630 to 12,666 because it looked cooler.
Although the Society was originally only open to clones of Adolf Hitler or his associates, during the tumultuous years after Emo-Hitler's resignation these rules were relaxed as many members were killed by each other or exposed by the UN or the conspiracy theorists. Non-clones currently make up approximately 12% of the Society's membership, although they are subject to a more rigirous entrance exam, their membership dues are twice as much as clone dues, and in the initiation ceremony they are required to hop on one leg (there is no reason for this. They just think it's funny). The preferred recruiting targets of the Society appear to be Klansmen and Illuminatus rejects. Attempts to recruit other neo-Nazi's have ben unsuccessful as the Society is seen by many such groups as a bunch of wannabe loser imitators of themselves.
A study published in 2004 by the Illuminati through a secret front estimates that Hitler's brain contains enough genetic material to produce another 64,000 clones. The study also concluded that if each generation of clones was in turn cloned their DNA would become too unstable to continue the process by the year 3452, at which point they'll slowly morph into grey aliens like those ones from Stargate or Destroy All Humans!. Because they are likely to consider this to be cool, however, it seems unlikely they will take measures to prevent this.
Leadership[edit | edit source]
The leadership of the society is placed in the posioion of the Leader (originally referred to as Furher until the membership realized they never learned to speak German). By their charter, the Leader is to be assisted by a panel of five advisors consisting of the Guy Who Will Fill In For the Leader If He Dies, Guy Who Figures Out How Much Money We Have Because None Of Us Can Do Decimals, Guy Who Has To Convince Other People We're Cool, Guy Who Comes Up With All Of Our Plans and Guy Who Beats Up People Who Say the Leader Is Dumb.
Sucession to Leader officially falls to the Deputy Leader, although usually the Leader appoints a weak Deputy who is unfit for command so that he will not be a threat to his power. Consequently, most leaders tend to have ordinary members who gained their position by killing the previous leader. When one member said this system was stupid, he was quickly promoted to Leader, and was killed within two minutes.
Known Leaders[edit | edit source]
- Emo-Hitler (1962-1967)
- Emo-Hitler Jr. (They're not very creative, this lot) (1967-1969)
- Clone #295 (The cool one) (1969-1970)
- Clone #630 (The geeky guy who's probably kinda smart) (1970-1971)
- Clone #091 (The other geeky guy who is really probably smart) (1971-1972)
- Clone #092 (The other geeky guy who has to actually be smart) (1972-1973)
- Some bald guy who happened to be the only person to apply for the job (1973-1977)
- None (1985-1990)
- Roger Waters ( spit left his mouth-spit hit fan)
- Vanilla Ice (1990-1990)
- Informal Coalition of Strongest Members (1990-2001)
- Evil Elvis (2001-2002)
- Noam Particular (2002-2006)
- Eva Braun II (2006)
- Winston Churchill (well, they think its him anyway.) (2006-????)
Known People Involved[edit | edit source]
- Charlie Sheen. Deputy Leader.
- Suzy Johnson. Intelligence agent (Currently working behind enemy lines, or a.k.a., a quiet little suburb.)
- Dr. Emmet Brown. Weapons Engineer.
==True Clone Speculation==
The fact that the society's first leader was Emo-Hitler, while the clone's DNA was supposedly taken from the late Hitler's brain, has lead to some confusion among observers, who have began to speculate onto whether or not the members of the Society are true clones of Adolf Hitler. In addition, even though they have hired expert scientists to continue the cloning process, all of the clones to date have shown no tendencies to mimic Hitler's capability for strategic planning. The Society itself claims vehemently to be produced from Hitler's DNA and until May 1994 kept his brain on public display in their headquarters, but they have produced no proof of their claims to date.
A Congressional investigation into the matter was able to obtain the DNA of one of the alleged clones who had died in an accident involving huffing something that didn't appear to be a kitten, ping pong, and a large quantity of explosives (some of which were found in his stomach) and compared it to Emo-Hitler's DNA. The result was that both were found to hold the same DNA, although they couldn't say for sure if either of them were actually Hitler.
The Illuminati also launched their own study into the matter, but in their haste to beat the Congressional investigation, they quit early and decided to simply report that Emo-Hitler probably discarded his brain upon going emo. Their boss also called it good.
Identifying a Member[edit | edit source]
There are three known means of identifying a member of the Evil Illuminati Adolf Hitler Clone Society in public.
Apperance[edit | edit source]
It has been a common tradition for members to dress in the manner of Hitler, often employing an SS or German Army Officer uniform, as well as having his style of moustache. While Society rules no longer require it, it is still done by more traditional members. However, many members have refused to follow this tradition, and many non-members also wear Nazi uniforms. Should the one you accuse be a member of a royal family, it can be even more awkward and you'll never get the tabloids off your back. Consequently, it is best to follow either of the following two tricks to confirm their identity. Many may also look like Ashton Kutcher, though it isn't clear yet if he is a Nazi Clone. Though he probably is.
Imitation[edit | edit source]
Dress in a Nazi Uniform and confront your suspect. If they does not attempt to put as much distance between yourself and themself as possible, they are either a Society member or a Neo-Nazi. The diffenece is that, although in both cases you will likely be perceived as a Society member, a true Society member will greet you and treat you as a brother, while a Neo-Nazi will beat you senseless because they hate what they perceive as a bunch of wannabes in the membership of the Evil Illuminati Adolf Hitler Clone Society. Consequently, this method is only recommended if the suspect passes the first test.
Indirect Confrontation[edit | edit source]
Ask your suspected Society member, "Are you a Klansman?" While any sensible person will answer "No", Society members tend to look up to the Klan as a group that could actually inspire fear, something they have proven to be miserable failures at, and will say "Yes". To confirm the suspect's identity, ask to see their ceremonial robes. They will likely produce their standard-issue Stormtrooper armor and attempt to pass it off as a Klan robe. If you are still dobutful as to the suspect's identity, challenge them to a game of Hated-Celebrity-Dartboard Darts.
Current Activities[edit | edit source]
Upon the rise of Eva Braun II, the society ceased its prank-related activities and began to focus solely on taking over the world. Their main strategy is believed to be taking control of world governments by replacing world leaders with their own members. Unfortunately, because their membership is composed entirely of clones of Adolf Hitler, this has proven to be extremely difficult, and they have preferred to use brainwashing and bribery to gain influence. Their other main strategy is seeking to make life so inconvenient that people will willingly submit to their domination if they'll stop it. In this capacity their agents have infiltrated tech support centers, book publishers, the IRS and the banking industry. There has been some debate over whether or not this constitutes continued prank activity.
Alledged Atrocities[edit | edit source]
The following is a list of some of the atrocities the Evil Illuminati Adolf Hitler Clone Society has been accused of.
- Using processed American Cheese on pizza to create a weapon of mass destruction.
- Smuggling weapons to warlords in Wikipedia.
- The Euro.
- That one really bad horror movie I can't remember the name of.
- Attempting to fuse Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice into a single being, capable of writing songs twice as bad, yet twice as sucessful.
- The sinking of the Titanic, as well as producing a movie about it.
Vandalizing Uncyclopedia We Pwned U Alx JonezVandalizing Uncyclopedia.
- Posting Star Trek articles on Memory Alpha.
- Putting Cait Sith in Final Fantasy VII
- Created the 9-11 incident, and blamed it on Osama Bin Laden.
- Global Warming
- Harrasing police officers to arrest them for littering so they can get some publicity.
Detonating a dirty bomb in a major metropolitan area that killed millions. Triggering the Great Pirate-Ninja Conflict by telling a ninja that a pirate insulted his mother. Bringing about the 2003 Iraq War.
- Assisting Dr. Chaos in the terrorization of South Park, Colorado.
- The end of the world on December 21, 2012
- Exaggerating their accomplishments.
- Tricking two innocent stepbrothers to make weapons of mass destruction during their summer vacation.
Threat Assessment[edit | edit source]
The United States government currently refuses to consider The Evil Illuminati Adolf Hitler Clone Society a terrorist organization. Indeed, due to the frequency of their failures, and the magnitude by which their schemes backfire, they are currently considered a tax-exempt charity organization.
As of March 2006, any call made to the FBI or CIA asking about "The Evil Illuminati Adolf Hitler Clone Society's danger to America or the world" will result in the line dropping dead within 15 seconds, invariably preceded by uncontrolled and unbelievebly hysterical laughter on the other end of the line. Today He is lived.