Internal Revenue Service
| Internal Revenue Service | |
|---|---|
| |
| The offical seal of the IR$ – fitting, isn't it? | |
| |
| Agency overview | |
| Formed | July 1, 1862 |
| Jurisdiction | Federal government of the United States |
| Headquarters | Hell |
| Employees | 1 |
| Annual budget | $14.3 billion (2022) |
| Agency executive | Adolf Hitler, Da Führer |
| Website | |
| irs.gov | |
The Internal Revenue $ervice (IRS, also known as the Infernal Robbery $ervice, Insignificant Rhethoric of Shits, or The reason I hate the US government) isn't a service at all but a side arm of the judiciary that strikes terror in those who get a dreaded audit letter. Actually, it's a bureau of the U.S. Department of the Treasury but it may as well be situated in a waterboarding room in a El Salvadorian super-prison. It is an evil organization whose purpose, according to the law that created, is to "harass, bully, intimidate, threaten, fine, imprison, and dismember American citizens who do not fork over everything they own. This includes their future salary and your vital organs. Why? For no other reason than that the IRS says so.
The only real difference between the Mafia and the IRS is that the former organization is honest about extorting and stealing money from its victims, they look the part in a spaghetti-sauce-stained tank top and sunglasses and try to circumvent the law. Whereas the IRS is the law. And as the law, the IRS can break the law. And it does break the law laughing hysterically as it does so.
History
Although Republicans complain about taxes and government sanctioned greed, they don't seem to have a problem with the IR$. It was one of their own, Abraham Lincoln, who created the bureau way back in the 1860s because he wanted to retain the right to wear a top hat and a full beard, even in public. The IRS somehow let him get away with the look despite his scrawny body and utterly uncool features. The unintended consequence was that the organization quickly morphed into an organization obsessed stealing the hard-earned money of hard-working Americans. Also, it stole from dirty foreigners, through the imposition and it was a huge one of tariffs and duties on imports, which no one seemed to care about (even if those foreigners were honest and hard working because they aren't American and therefore not from the greatest place on Earth).
In 1864 the U.S. Congress repealed the cowardly act by which they'd spawned this monstrous, evil entity. But it was too late. Not even God could stop it.
Proliferation
Indeed God created a rock so heavy even he couldn't lift it. Since the dark, dismal day of the IRS invention, the income tax has increased by leaps and bound and other clichés, with the courts siding with the IRS in allowing the vicious organization to tax capital gains, dividends, interest, rents, and a wide assortment of other financial transactions. Even those lazy folk who inherited their wealth and have done nothing but travel the world on their yachts must <gasp> pay taxes.
To make everything look legal and aboveboard, the president selects the IRS commissioner and its chief counsel and the Congress confirms these appointments. That way, pure thievery seems legitimate and no one realizes it is just taxation without representation. It was at this time that the name of the organization was changed from the Bureau of Internal Revenue (known among moonshiners as "revenuers") to the Internal Revenue Service because they said so and whatever they do is gospel even if it is appropriating your children's souls for filing a tax return one cent short of what you "owe".
Reorganization
If you thought it was only the Republicans behind this evil, then think again. The Democrats expanded the public "service" by creating side hustles in the late 1990s: Small Business Extortions, Medium-size Business Shakedowns and Big Business Vivisections.
Location
Ironically, the IRS's headquarters building, which is cut from marble to make it resemble legitimate federal government buildings, is located at 1111 Constitution Avenue. The intent of the address, critics suggest, is to associate the IRS with the Constitution, implying that the organization originated by the founding fathers when in reality they would be clutching their powdered whigs and pearl lined cod pieces in horror. To show his displeasure with the thieves who own and operate the IRS, God sent a flood in June 2006 that filled the building's subbasement with water to a depth of twenty feet, causing electrical equipment failure and damaging 95 percent of the building's interior. As a result, the building was closed for the rest of the year. Three thousand government workers (IRS agents and other bureaucrats) drowned, but the government replaced them with homeless people who had had the misfortune to be seen displaying signs that read "Will Work For Food". The Government Accounting Service (which, allegedly, is not affiliated with the IRS) estimated that the cost of repairs could be as high as $25,000,000. "That's no problem," IRS Commissioner Mark W. Everson said. "We'll just tax to death Joe the plumber right before Christmas, even though little Jenny wants that easy bake oven."
Administrative dysfunctions
Every year, the IRS publishes a 200,000-page manual called The Friendly Guide to Paying Your Taxes, which critics describe as The Satanic Bible. Full of ambiguous phrases, mind-boggling jargon, examples and counterexamples galore, and lengthy forms full of tiny blocks and blanks, the manual is designed to confuse, frustrate, and incriminate its users. According to Everson, "We want the taxpayer to screw up so we can seize their home or better yet bankrupt them into irrecoverable despair." The manual's latest ploy is to include maps of various cities that have nothing to do with taxes and direct the manual's users to indicate which streets they live on, doubling their tax by the number of letters in the street name that each taxpayer selects. "This is especially lucrative if someone lives on a street like Constitution Avenue or Sunset Boulevard," Everson declared. The guide also has a list of useful help centers where you can go in and get help with your confusion on the taxes. The addresses never lead to help centers (they are a myth) but to needle sharing clinics in dangerous neighborhoods.
Luckily the IRS provides a 2,000 brief summary of tax law for the dyslexic or autistic. This guide has the secret of life in it, but hidden in the deep code of symbology which only Tom Hanks can figure out by walking the streets of Washington and deciphering ancient cultic tax‑code symbology.
Rulings
The IRS never stops raking bank accounts for loose change. In the rare instance that a court overrules an IRS determination that a taxpayer had not been sufficiently fleeced, the agency files a Notice of Proposed Rulemaking, which entitles it to change whatever law or regulation the court has upheld against the agency. "That way, we don't have to waste a lot of time and taxpayers' money responding to some idiotic woke activist judge's belief in the Constitution," Everson said. "We do this on behalf of our clients, the American wage slaves." IRS employees eat the constitution for breakfast every morning.
Collections
In September 2006 the IRS started outsourcing debt collections to private debt collection agencies. Critics charge that this is an illegal and immoral invasion of their privacy and can result in collection agencies' attempts to collect the full amount of taxes that the IRS alleges are due rather than dicker with the taxpayer, as has sometimes been the practice in the past. In addition, these critics contend, it will be almost impossible for debtors to pay off their debts when, in addition to the amount that the IRS claims someone "owes", they must pay an additional 200 percent per dollar collected. Everson's response: "The new system is fair and balanced, and if anyone has a problem with it just let me know: I'll see to it personally that the complainant's returns are audited every year for the rest of their life."
Appeal process
LOL
Other criticisms
Tax protesters claim that because the IRS is not a legal organization because it is not the result of any statute it lacks the legal authority to litigate or to be litigated against, and that it is not an official government agency. Instead, it is the American branch of the Hollywood cabal. While the courts agree, judges are too afraid of the IRS to rule against the evil organization which has the ability to castrate anyone without consequences. Some say that the IRS Torture Chambers, located in the basement of a pizzeria in Washington, goes too far as a collection instrument, and conspiracy theorists suggest that the torture chamber, while vile, is nothing compared to the IRS in the past. The flood during Noah's time may not have even been sent by God but by the proto‑IRS in a sheer fit of rage during a season of high tax avoidance. Castrating a person here or there seems pretty mild compared to drowning millions over sheltering one's wealth in the Caribbean.
See also
