John Marshall
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|---|---|
 Marshall, touching the carpet (not the floor) | |
| Born |
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| Died |
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| Nationality | American |
| Occupation | Floor-is-lava player |
 | This article may be Overly American Brits may not understand humor, only humour. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Do not attempt to remedy this. |
John Marshall was a professional floor-is-lava player who lasted 34 years until he touched the floor and died. He played on the Supreme Court team and had the role of the fourth Chief Justice, which he served for three point four decades before dying. He arrogantly held the role and thought no one else was good enough to wear a robe and scream "constitutional law" at people. Marshall even copyrighted black bathrobes, so anyone who wanted the role would instantly have to pay Marshall $97.99 (plus shipping and tax). He was famous for vastly improving the Supreme Court team by inventing the established judicial review move. This allowed the Supreme Court team to respond 
to any attacks by the Congress team, making them a worthy team.
Early Life
“My father was my only friend in his mid-40s who wasn’t a tobacco addict, nor did he have the mental capacity of an asparagus. He was a great parent, always watching out for me, like the time I jumped on the furnace to escape the lava.”
– John Marshall
Johnny grew up in a two-room log cabin with his 15 siblings, living the human pile life, where he developed the skill of staying above all his siblings. This proved essential in his future career. At age five he could successfully get from his room to the front door without touching the floor once. He grew up in the British colony of Germany in Virginia, a place so exclusive you couldn't find it on a map.
He had one year of schooling in which he used a very early draft of Established Judicial Review on his teachers. He declared the homework violated the 4th amendment (that he had not written yet) since the teachers didn't have a warrant to search his bag for homework. Therefore, making the work legally non-binding, and therefore, he didn't have to do it. This led to his getting kicked out by enraged teachers who were not at all pleased with one kid's ruining all their lesson plans. The teachers responded by declaring his ass unconstitutional and using a powerful move called "eviction", which made Marshall nearly touch the floor. John momentarily declared the floor unconstitutional – a feat so arduous he could only do it once without bribing the Federal Government of Physics – and was able to walk away unscathed.
Johnny was tutored by Scottish Reverend James Thomson in exchange for a room in the Marshall household. Thomson's stay ended up giving the entire family one tiny room for them to live their lives. But on the flip side, it provided a new and much bigger pillar to jump on to avoid the lava.
Military service
Marshall joined the National Tax Evasion War (known as the Revolutionary War by many) after deciding he had had enough of floor-is-lava and was assigned to the 3rd Virginia regiment.
Marshall's military career was defined by the Valley Forge winter. While others did the normal things like starving and eating their shoes to combat the starving, John, having perfected the Established Judicial Review move, declared hunger legally impossible to enforce and therefore should be ignored. John then put on a bathrobe, shared his newfound realization with the rest of the soldiers and single-handedly killed 2,000 men. When asked what the hell he was thinking, he proceeded to declare logic unconstitutional, called for an indefinitely long recess and spent the rest of the winter starving while perfecting his floor-is-lava skills by standing on a crate. Marshall was later promoted to captain after no one could get him off his crate.
Career
After getting kicked out of the army, Marshall decided to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a floor-is-lava player. He purchased his cousin's team called the Edmund Randolphs, decided names were bloatware and promptly deleted the name. This led to his team's existence being questioned on multiple occasions by referees, spectators and the census. Marshall decided his team would compete in the law practice division known for its long matches played in huge buildings.
For his first match, Marshall played with Lord Thomas Halifax against the Hite team regarding a land dispute. Marshall demonstrated his expertise by jumping on chairs and hanging on ceiling lights while screaming "Constitutional law!" Marshall unfortunately lost when he jumped off a chair and touched the floor. This was due to Hite using a highly sneaky move called the chair slide. Hite moved the chair 6.7 centimeters to the right, which caused Marshall's left toe to make contact with the floor. The referee, a Republican, decided Marshall was eliminated from the match.
In the early 1790s, two huge teams took over the United States: the Federalist Team and the Republican Team. Marshall joined the Federalists since they believed in a tactic called stay in the center (SITC), a strategy Marshall was quite fond of. Marshall believed the STIC strategy was superior to the Republican Team's strategy because he believed that there were more objects to stand on in the center of the room compared to the outer ends of the room. In 1795 George Washington (the inventor of floor-is-lava) asked Marshall to join his team. Marshall declined and stayed with the Federalist team.
At the request of Alexander Hamilton, Marshall arranged a match with the Republican team captain, Thomas Jefferson. They were to play against the Republican team to break their long-standing winning streak. Marshall, accompanied by several other Federalists, dragged Jefferson, 20 other replicants and a pissed-off referee into an arena in the middle of the night and told him they were going to play. Whoever won the match would get to make up their own rules for all future floor-is-lava matches. Marshall knew Jefferson's 1,800-strong winning streak would be hard to break, so he declared his winnings unconstitutional and deemed Jefferson a fraud. This act immediately disqualified Jefferson from the match, and he was promptly hit with the eviction move.
Marshall was nominated by John Adams to join the Supreme Court team in 1801. John became the team captain and decided he was going to play against legendary player James Madison. Marshall arranged the a match with William Marbury, who was pissed at Madison for not sharing documents about the 29 times he forgot his lefts and rights. John wanted to play against Madison to elevate the powers of the Supreme Court, which was noted by historians to be powerless. It was in this match where Marshall perfected the judicial review move and declared Madison unconstitutional and a violation of the law. Shortly after declaring Madison unconstitutional, Marshall won the match.
After Marshall's victory, the Supreme Court thought this was just the greatest idea ever and started to implement it in all future matches. The victory also made the Supreme Court team a worthy opponent against the almighty Congress team.
Notable matches
Impeachment of Samuel Chase
The House of Representatives team wanted to go against the referee, Samuel Chase, because he unfairly scored a team in his most recent match. Chase got Marshall to help him win his floor-is-lava match. Marshall started off the match with his signature move of declaring the table a player of the House of Representatives was standing on unconstitutional, leading to them getting eliminated. As a result of the match, Chase got to keep his job.
Conspiracy trial of Aaron Burr
After getting voted against, Aaron Burr decided to make his own country in his backyard called Burrland, which neither the US nor Mexico had authority over. Marshall was summoned to deal with the issue where he challenged the entire population of Burrland (one guy and his goldfish) to a floor-is-lava match. Burr started off the match by climbing on top of his shed while Marshall balanced himself on the fence. Marshall realized it was impossible to beat Burr if he was just going to be perched on his shed the whole time. Marshall, being the genius he was, declared Burrland unconstitutional, causing Burr to lose the match and his country.
Death
After 34 years of being the top floor-is-lava champion, developed a rare symptom known as Somatic FL-113. This virus caused Marshall to go up against anything or anyone who dared to challenge his skills. In 1835, he travelled to Philadelphia, where he encountered a piso mojado sign. The 79-year-old Marshall, not knowing a word of spic, interpreted the sign as a foreign entity trying to enter the country illegally. After witnessing the trespassing, he decided the sign needed to be disciplined. Marshall immediately jumped on the sink screaming.
“Thou shalt not enter without proper papers!”
– John Marshall
As Marshall stood on the sink, he slipped and fell to the floor. Marshall had not actually planned for his death because he was planning on declaring death unconstitutional, but in his fall, he simply couldn't. When James Monroe, Marshall's lifelong friend, saw his dead body, he swiftly brought him to the cemetery to dig up a hole. Monroe, knowing that Marshall would declare death unconstitutional in the afterlife if his body touched the floor, dug a ten-meter-deep hole and balanced Marshall's body on a chair. This way Marshall wouldn't touch the floor even when he was dead, something more useless than eating soup with chopsticks. At the funeral, Monroe forced all the guests to stand on objects supposedly to "see and better understand Marshall's struggles". At the end of the funeral, the Liberty Bell was rung by a man who refused to ring the bell on the floor and opted for hanging it on the ceiling and kicking the bell. The ceiling-hanging bell operator kicked the bell with such force that it broke. A fine tribute to a man who spent all his life atop furniture.
See also
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