Joe Rogan
Okay, Jaime, we're live? This is the Joe Rogan article? Crazy. Even I don't know who Joe Rogan is, and I've been Joe Rogan for a long time. If you think about it, who is anyone, really? Anyway, did you see that crazy 50 Cent AI song? Well, it's not actually 50 Cent. It's amazing, but it's scary too. So the AI takes every little part of the best parts of every song, and it shoves it all down into a blender and turns it into something crazy. You know, if that guy was a real guy and he was around back then, he would've been the biggest artist in the world. The AI, it takes every part of a voice people like, and sticks it all together. No, I don't think it literally zaps the water, Elon was saying they recycle the water now, which is another one of those things these activist people are really into. "I love recycling, I love the planet, mwa!" Shut your fucking mouth! Even Bill Gates, Jamie, look this up, had to pull back on all that global warming stuff. You know the recycling, the regular trash, it all goes into the same place, especially after China stopped taking our trash, we were never recycling it, it just went to China.
You know the rapper, Rick Ross? Well, he took his name from a real guy, Freeway Rick Ross, and I was telling him the last time he was on, I was telling him about how Kubrick, and the rosebud guy, faked the moon landing, just in case they couldn't do it in real life. They found a camera inside one of the Space Shuttles, the one that's in that big warehouse down in Houston. It stinks there. Don't tell me they found a way to get past the Van Allens belt, it's pure radiation! It would turn you, it would microwave you, into spaghetti, in like, three seconds flat, don't bullshit me. They're always trying to bullshit you, because they can get away with it! And by they, I mean the corporations, the corporate elite, the people on the Epstein files list thing. We're living in a brave new world, folks.
Early life and education[edit | edit source]
Early life? That's one of those Wikipedia header things, right? But it's a lot more retarded looking. Jaime, look it up with our sponsor, Perplexity: "Joseph James Rogan was born in Newark, New Jersey, on August 11, 1967. His paternal grandfather was Irish, while his three other grandparents were all of Italian descent." Wow, the internet knows everything now. You don't even need to know things anymore because the phones will do it for you. The phones are rotting your fucking brain! Like, I know that they say the guy with the cancer shaped like a phone in his brain is probably fake news, probably, but it's entirely possible that it speaks to something real. About phones. Speaking of rotting, you can't eat bear meat, it'll fuck you up, there's all these tiny worms inside the muscle fibers, I think it's called Giardia. No? Gardella? It's called something. Trichinella! Thanks, Jaime. Trichinella.
Brendan Schaub was showing me the other day this guy who put bear meat in lasagna. You've ever been to Rao's? I didn't hear about it until Fieri told me, but it's one of those places that has history in it. You walk into a place and you feel all the ghosts of the people who went there before, it has a weight and a presence and the lasagna at Rao's was okay. Lasagna in general is okay, but I'm really a pie guy. That's what I love about going to New York, it's the pies, you know, the pizzas and you see the guy pulling them out of the brick-oven, brick! And wood! Real stuff, not a microwave. And you just go, "Uauuuuauahh!" because of the cheese. And cheese, it's supposed to go over the sauce, not under!
Career[edit | edit source]
Standup comedy[edit | edit source]
Wow, this page has all these sections, like a real Wikipedia article, but it's bullshit! They were calling me "miss, disinformation", when the news is literally 90, I would say 85% all misinformation. It's just whoever's got the most money, whoever's got the most strings attached to the most puppets, and they're feeding you PABLUM! CNN literally turned me green! They were calling me everything during that COVID stuff, CNN took a photo of me and made me green, like I was about to vomit! And all I said was Ivermectin, which won the Nobel Prize for Medicine by the way, worked! How can you trust anybody in the news after that? I remember this great quote, Jaime, pull it up, it went, "You're not gonna know anything if your salary is based on you not knowing it." It was Upton Sinclair. Sinclair, the Jungle guy? Not the Jungle Book guy, obviously, he wrote about the meat. In that plant in Chicago, how it was bad.
Not as bad as the time I was in the Comedy Store, the one in La Jolla. and this was way back when I was this pimple-faced, bright-eyed bushy tailed little boy, back when I had hair! I didn't have freckles, though. Okay, so this guy, in the audience, was jerking it into a Big Gulp, like one of those cups you see in the, uhh, 7, 7-11s. And I bombed that day too. I think the most important thing for a comedian to do, is to just go out there, get on the road, go to anyplace that'll take you, within reason, and just fucking BOMB. Just spill your beans all over the floor. Because you can't learn anything without first failing, because failure is the best at teaching you that you just have to go and do it. Don't think, just do it, because if you think and think, and think about what's gonna go wrong, you're gonna be stuck inside your own head all day, and you're not gonna get anywhere.
Carlos Mencia, was he the guy I opened for back then? He was one of the great joke stealers, I don't hate the guy now, people think I hate him, but I really don't. Sometimes we can be really terrible, but most comedians are okay people, even if we have a few screws loose. I just had Mark Normand on, and he's a decent guy. You have to be careful keeping open containers on the table, because he'll piss on them, I don't know, that's his thing. Great guy, good friend.
Fear Factor[edit | edit source]
I did host Fear Factor, that part is true. And I did the The Man Show, and I did standup. This one time, this guy, this pornstar, was giving me shit over it, saying I was a liar, about the income or some materialist L.A. bullshit like that, it's a big clip now, and I told him I had the biggest House in Bell Canyon, back when I cared about stuff like that. There's just something about L.A., it's too dry. Everyone gets filled with this meaningless goop, "I want to be famous! I want to be famous!" and they'll do anything to get it, and all the shit that actually matters, like being a good father or mother or sister or whatever, they just shed it like a snake shedding its own skin, and they end up just full of hot air. Like, Kevin Hart, who's a good guy, invited all these big Hollywood celebrities to go eat pizza from the brand new wood smoke pizza oven he just had installed in his backyard, and they just blew him off, they just took pictures of themselves. They're snakes! And then, was it before or after? But they tried to cancel him over that Oscars thing.
That's why I do sauna. There are dozens of studies and they all show that regular sauna usage increases cardiovascular and pulmonary health, and leads to better life expectancy, better life outcomes, everything. You're sweating your ass off, and it's leaching the poisons out of your skin and you feel refreshed. You know in Finland, there's three saunas for every one person. What you should do is sauna, and right away you go take a cold plunge, and you do it consistently, once a day if you can. It's better to do the cold plunge after the sauna so your body naturally goes back up to temp. That guy who wants to be immortal, I saw this video, he puts ice on his balls when he saunas, for fertility. That's going to cause the veins in your balls to burst because of the temperature gradient, you'll be peeing blood if you do that. I should probably tell him that.
UFC[edit | edit source]
And speaking of goop, a lot of guys online, a lot of the "chatter", they're talking about how all the big cards in 2025 were boring, and part of me understands where they're coming from, but a lot of it is just ignorance. Especially people who don't watch the other fights, who don't watch the prelims, like people who say UFC 319 was a boring card. A boring card, are you fucking KIDDING me? You had back-to-back spinning elbow fucking knockouts, back-to-back. That's twenty percent of all UFC spinning elbow knockouts ever in one night! It was Lerone Murphy, and Carlos Prates, who's a MONSTER. He's crazy too, he smokes cigarettes while he's cutting weight. Like, who does that? Him versus Makhachev, that would be a barn burner. And I know people say that was a boring one too, especially people who don't know the intricacies of the sport. They don't see Islam using those calf kicks to force JDM into a different stance, they don't see Islam swoop into a takedown, taking advantage of JDM's reliance on the high guard, the fact he had his arms defending his face, and that left his body wide open for the takedown. Theo watches the prelims for sure, he'll be there before they turn the lights on!
So many armchair MMA experts these days. People think I'm super skeptical of experts, that I doubt everyone. I don't hate experts, that's silly, I've just known enough so-called "experts" who'll say anything to keep their jobs, who use their credentials to stay fat and lazy and just parrot what everyone else is saying. Like, I know Lee Harvey Oswald was involved, I'm not saying he wasn't involved, but anyone who says there was nothing shady going, nothing fishy, I just lose all respect for you right away. Like, you're saying the bullet hit Kennedy, it hit John Connally, and they just find it in his stretcher in Parkland Hospital? Are you fucking kidding me?
The Joe Rogan Experience[edit | edit source]
I don't listen to the haters, mostly, sometimes. You know, I try to limit my hater intake, once a day, in the morning, I check Twitter, just to see what bullshit everyone's talking about. Only for fifteen seconds, fifteen minutes maybe. And then I shut the app, shut the phone right off. People will say whatever they want and whatever they can, not because they want to inform or educate or make the world a better place or whatever bullshit reason they give you, they want the clicks! They just want the views! They want the money, power, attention, whatever it is that fills that empty, vacuous hole inside their souls, and they'll tear you down, or try to, and say the most obvious lies they can. Stuff you can just Google and you know it's fake. It's called demonization.
Like, they say I hate the Gays or I hate the Trans. Most Trans people, Dave Chappelle calls them the "T's", they just want to live their lives and wear dresses and watch, I don't know, The Matrix. I just don't want 800 pound weightlifters who say they're women, when really they're men who identify as men who just say they're women to gain a competitive advantage, throwing schoolgirls into field goals! Like, I was never this super MAGA guy the news says I am. There are legitimate crazies who want to turn everywhere, even Texas, into a crazy theocracy and everyone has to wear robes and that hat, but most people are just trying to live their lives, they're just in the center, and they're tired of the bullshit, they just want free healthcare and good jobs and their 2nd amendment rights, that's what everyone, well, almost everyone, wants!
You know Andrew Yang? He was talking about this AI stuff before it even existed. He said that only way to survive in the age of AI is UBI, universal basic income, but not too much. You don't want people turning lazy. But you just want enough so that people get the basics, like food, like water, like shelter, like medicine, and also food. It's frustrating talking to liberals about the COVID stuff, and the global warming, but they have some good ideas. I just want things to be sane again, we pick up the drug mob bosses first, and leave the babies, and the three-year-olds, with their families, until we get everything settled down and everyone can just cool off and we can stop being so divisive. Wow! My knee is killing me. There's a guy in Tijuana who will inject your knees with stem cells, and it just zaps the arthritis away. Made from babies? No, they're not made from babies, they're made in petri dishes.
Personal life[edit | edit source]
You know, before I reno'd the Ritz in downtown Austin, I almost bought this other theater, which was owned by this Buddhist sex cult, and I thought, "That doesn't sound too bad," until my friend sent me this link to this Netflix documentary, and I said to myself, "This place had a Netflix documentary? That shit is haunted!" I couldn't buy it. So I bought the Ritz instead. It used to be an Alamo Drafthouse, but they went bankrupt because of COVID.
Austin's great, it's right in the middle of the country, so you always have fucking monsters on the roster every night, someone who can kill a room. We got Ron White, we got Kill Tony, that's the big one, it's really got a life of its own now. I saw Ari Matti on last night, and he did that funny voice, the one that kinda sounds like a gay guy but not really. It's more European, if anything.
Personally, I think every rich guy needs a money sink, some place that just steals your time and money and you fret over it constantly, like how the South Park guys bought that Casa del Taco place, what was it Jaime? Casa Bonita, oh. It was very pink. They spent, like, fifteen million dollars on that place. I didn't spend as much on the Mothership, but it's the HVAC that gets you. I know a lot about construction, and the cost of HVAC maintenance, especially when the previous owners didn't do their due diligence, that's what can kill a business. But in the end, it's just money, it's just things. It's good for the economy, it's good for the local businesses, because we don't sell food, there's plenty of restaurants on 6th street, you don't need me to microwave a burrito for you. Holy Hell, that's what the film was called. It was crazy, the cult guy, he just fucked everybody, the dudes mostly. He didn't care about consent, you can't own a theater with that energy, because that energy can spill into you. Speaking of energy, you ever tried DMT? Jamie runs off the stuff like he's a fuckin' Tesla and it's fuckin' electricity. Just don't take too much all at once, or else the elves will get you! But seriously, they will get you.
