Topiary

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for trees pruned to look like genitalia?

“I remember my first Topiary, 'twas on a tender young schoolboy, I levered him from behind...God, those were the days...”

~ Oscar Wilde on reflecting

“Aye, if you be Topiaring me again, I'll be shuving yer fucked up ma creggi hole”

~ A Scottish man on his Creggi Hole

“The tie is long on this one”

~ Darth Vader on topiary and the force

Topiary is a noble and ancient martial art. Once a staple of Medieval English chivalry, a Topiary would be performed as a Gentlemen's insult, that would usually lead to a duel, a joust, or a bit of Bum holio behind ye olde Medieval chip shoppe. Although the art of topiary was banned in 1267 after the Second Baron's War, Topiary made a resurgence in the early 21st century, and is currently practised by Leprechauns, Nuns, Eamon Holmes, and various other paedophiles.

Origin of Topiary

Topiary, not to be confused with topiary.

Many people believe that Topiary is a style of gardening where gardeners prune trees and bushes to look like rude body parts. However, this is a common misconception. In fact, Topiary is a sport, popular with British academics and British socialites. The game involves the Topiarer, exclaiming the sacred word "Topiary" in a girly voice to an unsuspecting victim, before proceeding to exert a downwards force upon that person's tie. If the victim is not wearing a tie, then it is acceptable to knock them to the ground, and piss on their face, then steal their mobile phone. If the Topiarier performs a Topiary without first exclaiming the word Topiary in a girly voice then they risk being condemned by the Topiary council of elders (see punishments).

Topiary Rules

The art of Topiary has many rules in order to keep the sacred tradition in order. The basic rules are as follows.

The shock of an unadulterated topiary

1. Before the Topiary is initiated, the applicant using the said Topiary must state, "TOPIARY!" in a girly voice. Failure to do so will result in an alert phase. The alert phases are used after every time the applicant fails to say Topiary. The more times the person Topiaries people without saying "Topiary" the higher alert phase that shall be put in place.

2. The tie must be pulled rapidly in a downwards direction, causing the victim to squeal in panic as the knot's tightness increases rapidly.

3. If the victim is versed in the way of Topiary, or as Topriarions call say "Walks the Path of the Tie", then they may attempt to perform a counter Topiary, where they topiary the person topiaring them. 'The Topairier becomes the Topaireed'. The person who attempts to perform a counter Topiary is not required to exclaim the sacred lamentation of 'Topiary'.

Things to Do

The first Topiary bandit, Sensei Vinny Jones

For a Topiary-er there are many things that can be done to increase your Topiary status. The more things you successfully do, the more respect (not likely) you will get.

1. Rip a tie, especially fun to perform on people who whinge a lot. However doing so may result in being forced to pay for the tie, or being sent to hell.
2. If you successfully perform a "Topiary streak", by Topiarying everyone in the evangelical circle, or square, or triangle, or dodecahedron, of Topiariness then you will become the "Topiary bandit" and will remain the infamous Topiary bandit for all of eternity. (or until you are Topiaried... or dead ) The first Topiary bandit was a mysterious football player/hard faced actor Vinny Jones. He is now releasing a feature film outlining his time as the topiary bandit, Vinny Jones's Diary.
3. Quick-draw Topiary is a very ingenious and rewarding game. Two Topiary combatants stand staring angrily at one another, when one combatant shouts "draw!" or another variation (e.g. "write!" or "sketch!"), then both combatants lunge and grab one another's ties. The person to Topiary first is the winner! The winner wins a months supply of Rice Krispies, and a bottle of milk. The quick draw Topiary champion is Chuck Norris, he is undefeated as his tie is made from a polyester-cotton mix. (He is also invincible. And has laser eyes. And has a robot dog which has big guns on it and invincible armour and can fly and can cook full English breakfasts.)

Misconceptions of Topiary

1. Topiary was created by the British armed forces as a counter to the German U-Boats.
2. Topiary is an iron tower built on the Champ de Mars beside the River Seine in Paris, France.
3. Topiary is the name of several past and present organizations in the United States that have advocated white supremacy, Anti-semitism, racism, anti-Catholicism, homophobia, and nativism.
4. Topiary is a healthy kind of milkshake, that is inhaled through the ears.
5. Topiary is a facial hair style, that reached peak popularity in the mid 80's, before Eamon Holmes adopted it as his own. The style was banned in a nation wide effort to save face.