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“Heh, I've already broken that habit.”

~ Duke Nukem on nuns


~ Father Jack on nuns

“Nuns! Reverse! Reverse! Me”

~ nuns

“Fuck you, penguin.”

“Why so mean to thy fellow penguins?.”

“Nice, but the wrong gender.”

~ Oscar Wilde on nuns

“Get thee to a nunnery”

~ Hamlet on nuns

“At one point The Empire State Building was the tallest building in the world.”

Is this a nun? Yes, yes it is
A nun trying to go see Manchester United at the World Cup

A nun is a woman trying desperately to become a penguin through habit. Nuns, unlike penguins, may fly and give small children hand jobs if starring in a television series or when fired from a Chuck-Nun. A ni is not to be confused with a nun, for this is a terrible insult to the Knights who say Ni! In common parlance, however, a nun is a female monk.

Nun may also refer to the state of having less than some.

Also used in an alternative saying for not your business: nun-ya.

Use by the Pope as 'semi-elite' soldiers in the AOG[edit | edit source]

Feminine Articles
Articles About Feminine Issues

Nuns, being naturally feminine, curvacious, and well... brutally penguinesque are often 'called' upon by the Pope for use in special operations that normally involve hijacking or killing the adherents of some branch of Protestantism or another when the Modern Swiss Guard is too busy fucking around with the Pope's bitches.

The typical Nun receives 3 months-a-year complimentary weapons, survival, and Sudustion training along with a shotgun, 3 grenades, and special priestly blessed vaginal rosaries for use in combating the Heretical Protestant Threat.

These 'Footsoldiers' have operated somewhat successfully for the last 400 years until 1955 when John Ashcroft and other Protestant leaders formed a pact with the WBC and the Sing Along N' Dance (Like Hell) All Black Gospel Praise Choir Church on whateverstreet Mississippi that resulted in the highly successful Holy Church-Christ Army of Protest which, among other famous exploits did the following to severely wound the Pope's numero dos footsoldiers reputation and morale.

  • Destroyed Convent #171 in a 2 hour 5 man assault that obliterated the horrifying anti-aircraft gun that would served to protect that particular Convent from the Protestants for eons past.
  • Got back at Pope John Paul II and severely weakened his 'Holy' power.
  • Defeated John Paul's second in command, Randall Flagg at Las Vegas, Nevada and managed to escape the wrath of the deadly blue Virus
  • Managed to 'somewhat' hold off Ratzinger's all-out assault on the Protestants of America in what was known as 'Revenge of The Pope II: The Ratzinger Chronicles'. They also supposedly successfully infiltrated the Vatican with their own 'Elite poops' known as J'elites, but due to the United States, Government crackdown on overtly open war between Catholic and Protestant the outcome of this infiltration attempt is NOT known as of yet.
  • Butchered countless Nuns with their J'elite attacks (More info on the J'elite can be found here) and overall managed to balance out the power before things got too out of hand.

The History of "My Child"[edit | edit source]

Despite never hardly ever indulging in "sex" per se, nuns have managed to find a 'legitimate' way to get pregnant. Unfortunately, this occurs every time they put on their robes. Thus, they have an insane amount of children. Often forgetting which child is theirs and which one is Sister Mary Beth, they decided calling everyone "My Child" is a generally safe idea.

But Seriously[edit | edit source]

No. Still not going to do it. Can you blame me?

Consider This a Warning[edit | edit source]

See how easy I buckle to pressure! Hmmmph! Outrageous!

Oh, yes. Nuns. Dreadful beasts, over seven stone, with sharp teeth and soulless eyes, two meters long. Known to spend long periods of time submerged. Can strike without warning. Bloody pests, they are.

Types of Nuns[edit | edit source]

Flying Nuns[edit | edit source]

Invented by the Germans in World War 1, they soon became the terror of the skies, shooting down balloons, planes, UFOs, and dead souls rising to Heaven. The first flying nun was flown by Manfred von Richtofen, the Red Baron, while he was waiting for the paint to dry on his plane. In total, flying nuns racked up an outstanding 135 kills before the war ended.

Their means of propulsion is basically powered by pushing out a consistent stream of flatus, or fart gases in laymen's terms, which they can maintain non-stop for up to four hours. This has the added effect of disabling defensive anti-air batteries and pursuing fighter planes trying to shoot them down, as they are instantly fatal to pilots and gunners not equipped with gas masks.

Singing Nuns[edit | edit source]

A plot device used in movies, such as "The Sound of Music", "Debbie Does Dallas", and both "Sister Act" movies. Typically they are used when someone needs a song sung about some kind of moral issue.

Evil Nuns[edit | edit source]

Get it? Nun Chucks? Haw!

Used as a plot device in many horror movies, these are the most fun of all nuns. Unlike other nuns, they drink blood and enjoy sex. See "Rosemary's Baby", "The Omen", or "Bird on a Wire". They will rape you with their saggy old vaginas and attack you with their saggy and un-perky tits which stretch when they fling them at you. They have sex with Satan and shoot their demonic abortion babies at you.

NunZilla[edit | edit source]

NunZillas are commonly found in Turkmenistan, and they are unique in the fact that they can breathe fire out of their nostrils, crush cars with their tusks, and mercilessly grade pop-quizzes. NunZillas are the leading cause of death, cancer and heart attacks are direct causes of NunZilla snot.

The Nun of Your Business[edit | edit source]

A slave nun, usually hired by employers when they are short-staffed or if they're sick of employing and want to have a break and sit in front of the computer looking at various interesting websites on the net (eg: Uncyclopedia). Their ability to undergo highly stressful positions in call centres and airline companies (including pilot) is sincerely benefited by those who are likely to suddenly experience SEHS due to the overwhelming intake of stress.

Common Nuns[edit | edit source]

These are the nuns that are usually found hanging out in nunneries or wandering around Europe smuggling drugs. They are the natural prey of Dean Koontz, who eats them to maintain his strength. These are also the nuns employed by the Pope in the Pope War(1492-1489) when he attempted world domination.

Undomesticated Nuns[edit | edit source]

Undomesticated Nun, in the wild....

Unlike the better known domesticated varieties of Nuns, such as Old Crone and the Piebald Fury, undomesticated nuns are not suitable for housepets. Many priceless ornaments have been damaged by a lack of understanding of that simple rule.

Undomesticated nuns have very crude senses of humour. A common favourite joke is to take a knife used at the mealtable and to slice off some flesh. It will then be paraded around whilst the nun sings "I've got some Jesus, I've got some Jesus". Various groups exist to help those who adopt undomesticated nuns cope with their new acquisition. They can be found on the Internet and in phone books.

The United Nations runs a service which can occasionally reunite families with runaway nuns who have gone to different countries. The American Government has also been known to do this; a war they started in 2003 to rescue a nun owned by a high-powered American. Thanks to the unpopular war the Government lost some support, but an ex-chief executive slept happily knowing that his nun was safe at home. Naturally he assumed she was practising Celibacy.

Habitat[edit | edit source]

The undomesticated Nun is found almost worldwide with the only notable exception being Antarctica, where their place within the localised ecosystem is taken up by a related species, the penguin.

House Training[edit | edit source]

Undomesticated nuns are often not housetrained. They do not understand the concept of eating at a table with knives and forks, or of sleeping in a bed. With sheets. This is understandable when one considers that in the wild they most often sleep in beds made of cow hide and eat whatever can be scavenged from King Penguins, to which they are closely related. They don't always understand the concept of sleeping with a man either.

You may want to start out with newspaper in the corner(random orgasms are common at first). Then introduce her to the family. If she licks her lips, this may be a sign that she's horny, so take her outside. WARNING: undomesticated nuns are not good with young children or other pets.

  • In their younger years they are know to chew on furniture and other objects (mostly things resembling a cross or children).
  • Keep the nuns (if you have more than one) in seperate cages for they will fight.
  • If a fight does break out the best way to break it up and keep one from happening again is to whip them or tie them to rotating protractors, this will calm them down and keep them away from eachother. (warning : Whipping might make them horny)

Good discipline includes whipping, spraying with shaving cream, tying down and leaving in the basement for months only feeding her dog food, playing classical music (or organs, doesn't matter) and other things that would be awful for normal pets.

Limit having sex, once a nun is hooked it is very hard to break her of this habit. Set a schedule and stick too it. it is unhealthy for her to orgasm more than 3 times a day, if she does take her to the nearest vet.

Catching an undomesticated Nun[edit | edit source]

Domesticated nun (for comparison)

Undomesticated nuns are usually found as packs and are therefore very tricky to catch.The easiest way to catch one is to have a group of domestic nuns act wild , they will do this quite easily as they believe they are saving one of their own, the group then turns on the undomesticated one . (You may lose a few domestic nuns during this process as un domesticated nuns fight really dirty).

Things Commonly Enjoyed By Nuns[edit | edit source]

A nun of the Church of Uncyclopedia (the Nuncyclopædian Order)

See Also[edit | edit source]

Some nuns of course do know what to do with a man.