Hamlet

“Either those curtains go or Polonius does.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Hamlet

“Oh, I am slain.”

~ Polonius on being stabbed by Hamlet and imitating Captain Obvious

“So? I married my sister, and my nephew didn't try to kill me. In fact, he was the best brother ever.”

~ Redneck on Hamlet

“Everybody dies.”

~ Spoiler on Hamlet. There. Now I saved you three long, boring, boobless hours.

Hamlet was originally an Asian king from NYC, but then was assassinated by the Americans, which wrote a story about him after Shakespeare took a massive dump in the hearts of the illiterate. (written by Genghis Khan)

A hamlet is a small village, usually occurring in feudal times (Daily at 9:37 AM CST, to be precise). The houses are all thatched, the economy is agrarian, and usually there is a leader, oftentimes a man from the village who has been voted into power. It was an instrumental step in the creation of cities like New York and is, therefore, an important thing in the history of mankind.

A hamlet, or mini-ham, is also another name for a small piece of ham, especially one called George. This can be reasonably tasty, but is often mistaken for a doormat and walked on, lowering its quality and sell value.

A hamlet is also an omelette with eggs, ham, Swiss, cheese, portobello mushrooms, caviar, and herbs (to light up).

Hamlet the play, however, has no redeeming qualities and, since its publication in 1935, has added nothing to man's plight throughout the ages. Just as the name suggest this play is extremely anti-semitic as it focuses mainly on ham and titties. As the great Oscar Wilde said:

To be or not to be, that is the question? Or is it titties?

As a matter of fact, it has been proven to detract from the quality of human life. Records show that at a showing of Hamlet in 1967 in Los Angeles, one little boy, Timmy Tibbons, died of sadness in the middle of the fifth act. The play's author, William Shakespeare, was lynched afterwards.

The sequel to Hamlet, Hamlet Reloaded was written in 2835 by Zombie William Shakespeare. It focuses on whether to eat ham or not:

"Ta eat or not ta eat, dat iz da queshun."

Finally Hamlet is also, as we all know, The Mild Cigar and smoked by men with bad comb overs.

Plot Overview

Hamlet "accidentally" trips while his Uncle looks on...

This play focuses on Hamlet, the original emo, and the choice of murdering his awesome uncle (who he'd have to thank for the last harem night), or to become a ghost and party with Bruce Willis. This extremely homoerotic play opens up with two guards standing about lazily, discussing the finer points of their appointment. They are joined by a frantic Horatio, who is upset after seeing a ghost on a parapet of the castle. He wants the guards to make it go away while he finds his mother, but the guards, being cowards themselves, not to mention much bigger and stronger than Horatio, make him talk to the ghost. The ghost is a stupid face.

The ghost turns out to be the spirit of the former king of Denmark, who shoos Horatio to find his son, Hamlet, and bring him hence. Horatio brings the incredible edible Eggbert, still grieving the loss of his father, who reacts in complete surprise to his father's appearance. Horatio persuades Hamlet to shoot the breeze with the ghoul on the basis that Hamlet has a university degree in conversing with the recently deceased. Eggbert questions why he can see his father, and his father tells him that he can see ghosts. Perplexed, he asks why Horatio can see his father, too, and discovers that his childhood friend actually died ten years ago. Distraught, Eggbert raises one final question: Is Bruce Willis dead, as well? The ghost answers affirmatively.

Eggbert asks one more question: If Horatio was dead, how could he have talked to the guards? His father tells him that he now gets to do the Magical Plot Hole Dance, and orders him to mind his own business.

The ghost then orders Eggbert to kill his adulterous uncle Stephen King. Eggbert resists, saying that it's complete insanity to try and kill his uncle, the newly-crowned king and newly-consummated husband of Eggbert's mother. His father, Horatio and Bruce Willis all clear their throats, and Eggbert takes on his task sadly. He is rechristened ‘Hamlet’, and goes off to kill his uncle/stepfather/king.

Along the way, Hamlet falls madly in love with a girl, Oh-feel-ya, but she runs off and becomes a nun in the sect of St. Jimmy. Angered by this, Hamlet decides to track down his uncle and kill him mercilessly. His plan involves sitting alone in his bedroom blasting Linkin Park. Specifically, he blasts their latest single “Poison in my Ear”, available now from Interscope Records, in a fit of product placement. Little does he know, however, that the subtle undertones in the thoughtful lyrics trigger a wave of grief in his uncle, who killed the old king by pouring bleach down his ear.

The song also drives everybody else mad. O-feel-ya drowns herself, his mother has a mental breakdown, his childhood friends Rosy Craig and Gilded Stan flee to Mediocre Britain where they beg to be killed, and Oprah donates vast sums of money to charity.

Hamlet spies his uncle/stepfather/the king praying for mercy, and realizes that if he kills his uncle now, then he will go to Heaven and live with God and Jesus and the angels and a bunch of flowers and unicorns and gnomes and whatever else is up there, including his father. And he doesn't want his uncle pouring more poison in his father's ear in Heaven, because there is no Second Heaven for people who die in Heaven. He does not think, however, about Seventh Heaven.

He goes off to mope, and ends up back in his room where he talks through his latest angry and incoherent Xanga entry, and the end result is one of Shakespeare's best soliloquys. It is reprinted here in its entirety, from Act 3, Scene 1.25.

Hamlet: I have a dream that black men and white men, Jews and gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, gays and lesbians, North Koreans and South Koreans, Israelis and Palestinians, Chips Ahoy and Oreos, Grues and bunnies, and the occasional aardvark will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old negro spiritual: “I want chicken, I want liver, Meow Mix, Meow Mix please deliver.”

The next day, Hamlet goes out for a walk and a smoke and a conversation with his friend Horatio who, being dead, isn't really there. They see a funeral procession for the dead O-feel-ya, and they go to join it. O-feel-ya's brother, Thatoneguy, gets angry with Hamlet and challenges him to a duel. Hamlet accepts.

King Stephen King wants Hamlet dead because:

A) He is crazy

B) He is the rightful heir

C) He doesn’t like Linkin Park

D) He can’t understand how Hamlet can do his hair so stylishly

King Stephen King is out of lifelines at this point, and he guesses B, which is wrong. Chris Tarrant promptly asplodes. The correct answer was C, and now he lost his chance at a million dollars. Off, he gives Thatoneguy a poisoned sword to use against Hamlet at the duel. He then sues the game show that he lost for a million dollars, on the grounds that he's the king.

Hamlet and Thatoneguy fight in front of everybody, and Hamlet kills Thatoneguy. Thatoneguy stabs Hamlet before he is dead, so now Hamlet shall die by a slow poisoning. Hamlet, already crazy, goes on a murderous rampage and kills King Stephen, his mother, Horatio, Poor Yorick, Martin Luther King Jr., James Bond, everyone in attendance, John Waters, and in his obligatory cameo, Oscar Wilde. He then dies. While Hamlet is in the (Mafia) Underworld he starts making egg hamlets for the Godfather who beats him with an accordion every other Saturday.

Bruce Willis then kills his father in Heaven, sending him to Seventh Heaven. The end.

Or is it? titties (spoiler: Horatio kills Wuce Brillis in the sequel.)

Famous Quotes

Thou art a severe fuckwit! - Gertrude to Hamlet

Yo! Sup ma homies?! - The Ghost to Hamlet

Mrahshrasheap titties - The Ghost to Gertrude

Where all da bitches at? - Hamlet addressing his audience

She's all man. - Hamlet on Ophelia

Character List

• Hamlet: An emo who is totally off his rocker.
• Steven John: A random wanker who didn't appear in the book but should have done because he kicks Shakespeare's ass when it comes to quantum mechanics. Dies.
• Eggbert: Paranoid schizophrenic, Prince of Denmark. Dies.
• Eggbert's father: A ghost. Died before play begins.
• Horatio: Another ghost, but a childhood friend of Eggbert's. Almost dies.
• King Stephen: That one kinda creepy uncle who marries your mother a week after he kills your father. Every family has one, right?. Dies.
• Eggbert's mother: Well. . . She's there. Dies. She only thought she was drinking soda.
• Whatsername: She's a rebel, she's a saint, she's the salt of the earth and, like most everybody else in this play, she dies.
• Thatoneguy: Brother of Whatshername, did that one thing that one time. You know what I'm talking about. Dies.
• The guards: Big, dumb, plot holes galore. Probably will die.
• Bruce Willis: Action star extraordinaire, owed a favor by Shakespeare. Dies.
• Chris Judd: Dumb arse footballer. LOL. Dies.
• Fortinbras: Norwegian of little consequence. Let's just say that he eventually dies, and that the worm that decomposed his body caught the fish that went through the intestine of a beggar, as Eggbert so poetically put it in Scene 4.
• Whatshisname: Father of Thatoneguy. Did something with Hamlet's relatives. Sure, let's go ahead and say he dies.
• Albus Dumbledore: Killed when he drives his Humvee too close to an IED, so dies.

Original Cast

Here is the cast list as it appeared in the playbill for the first public presentation of Hamlet at The Rose Theatre, London, on March 3, 1935

• Eggbert: Engelbert Humperdinck (Understudy: Sadaharu Oh)
• Eggbert's father: Jon Stewart (Understudy: Trey Parker and Matt Stone)
• Horatio: Kenan Thompson
• Stephen King : Curious George
• Eggbert's mother: Ron Jeremy
• Whatsername: Olivia Newton-John
• Thatoneguy: John Travolta
• The guards: Tom Cruise, Christina Aguilera, Ernest Hemingway, Bjork, Barack Obama, and Marvin Gaye
• Bruce Willis: Himself (Understudy: Tom Hanks)
• Whatshisname: Al Pacino (Understudy: Bill Murray)
• Whatsherface: Hilary Clinton
• Anonymous: 4.252.99.182

Notable Quotables

"So you’re dead?"

"Yes."

"And Horatio is dead?”

"Yeah.”

"So is Bruce Willis dead, too?”

"Yep.”

"I’ve been dead this whole time? Aw Christ!”

-Eggbert, Eggbert's father and Bruce Willis (Act 2, scene 2)

"Now is the winter of our discontinence." - Richard the Third (Act 1, scene 1)

“Daddy, I need another Barbie!” - Oh-feel-ya (Act 2, scene -1)

"Dad! Shut up already! I have a ship to catch!" -Laertes (Act 2, Scene 1)

“Alas, poor Yorick... I knew him, Horatio... Wait a second, that bastard owed me money!!!” - Bandit Keith (Act 5, Scene 2)

“Is this a Hello Kitty vibrator I see before me? Jesus Christ, what am I supposed to do with this?” - King Stephen (Act 3, scene 2½)

"Something is rotten in the fridge...ugh, and it's all green and stuff too! Bill from management is so going to hear about this" - a guard, (Act 3, scene 2.99)

“Whoops, I think I’m in the wrong summary!” - Megaman (Act 3, scene 3)

"Same here." - Beowulf (Act 3, scene 3)

“Alas, poor Yorick... I knew him, Horatio... made damn good pickled eggs, too.” - Kenneth Branaugh Presents "Hamlet" (Act 5, Scene 1)

"To sleep, perchance to dream... Ay, there's the rub. Rub harder. Now faster. OH YEAH! That's my dream, baby!" - Hamlet (Act 3, Scene 3)

"I like stabbing curtains." -Hamlet (Act 4, Scene 2)

"Right well. You are a fishmonger... No wait, I'm a fishmonger. What the hell's a fishmonger?" - Hamlet (Act 2, Scene 2)

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be, unless you can get a minimum of 5% over or under prime" - Prospero (Act 1, Scene 2)

“I had another dream, too. This one involved really scary gorillas!” - Hamlet (Act 6, scene 1)

"Damn. I came to kick ass and well, quite frankly, I just can't... They all killed each other already... Why did I want this kingdom again?" - Fortenbras (Act 5, Scene 7)

"Ah, methinks the play's the thing, wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king...Or, alternatively, I could show him some of those nude photos on the internet of Mother... - Omelette (Scene googol, Act 3)

"Go. Bid the soldiers to use the BFG against Albert Wesker" - Fortenbras (Final lines)

Study Questions

1. All things considering, does this play make my butt look fat?
2. Discuss Shakespeare's callow treatment of women in this play. If lacking ideas, consider Horatio gender-confused.
3. Why do people still continue to put this play on? Was is as boring to people in Shakespeare's time as it is now?
4. What are your thoughts on accusations of incest between Hamlet and his mother? Illustrations are acceptable for extra credit.
5. Is Hamlet the ultimate authority on Father issues? Discuss.
6. To be or not to be? Discuss this while I play solitaire on my computer at the front of the room.
7. Have you noticed that in Shakespeare's plays, when a character claims to have seen a ghost, he usually has? Were people more reliable in these days? Were ghosts reliable? Discuss while I grade papers harshely as I skim them.
8. Compare and contrast the character of Hamlet to common-day emo kids.
9. Did this play really catch the King's conscience? Why or why not?
10. Do you agree that Hamlet must have been hot? Because we all know the ghost was.
11. If so, do you support Hamlet and Horatio sleeping together? Elaborate in detail using the Karma Sutra if you need extra guidance.
12. Would this play have been better if Hamlet and Ophelia had slept together? Could it be adapted for use as a porno movie? Discuss. Mhmhmhm-yeeeah.
13. Compare and contrast King Claudius with Bill Cosby. Which one has better parenting skills? Which would you prefer to see as King of Denmark? Which would you rather buy Jell-O pudding from?
14. Did Hamlet really cleft his mom's heart in twain? Do you understand what the hell that even means? What would Mark Twain think of this?
15. How the hell does one cleft another's heart in twain? Could it involve scissors?
16. Do you think Hamlet suffered from mental illness? Or was he simply feigning mental illness? Which would you rather do? What are the advantages of both?
17. What does feigning mean? Huh.
18. If you were ordered grumpily to a nunnery, which contemporary nunnery you would prefer?(leaving out peripheral advantages like the Sisters of Saint Joseph's fancy retirement villa).
19. Why is suicide the correct route for Hamlet?
20. Why do poison-in-the-ear murders produce ghosts every time?
21. Did William Shakespeare mean to completely rip off the plot from The Lion King or did it just happen on accident?
22. Does Hamlet's white Bieber hair separate him from the common emo?

  The Complete works of William Shakespeare