Beowulf
“So glorious and brave!”
“So observant and perceptive!”
| Beowulf | |
|---|---|
 Beowulf could defeat monsters with his bare hands since his toddler years. | |
| Author | The Beowulf Poeter |
| Country | Sub-Roman Britain Geatland Denmark |
| Language | Old English Older Geatish Oldest Zealandian |
| Genre(s) | Epic |
| Publisher | King Arthur |
Beowulf is an epic poem in Old English literature written by an anonymous scribe sometime between 700 AD and 2007 who was sued for plagiarism by the previous 4 zillion generations of people who told the story orally before Christians from continental Europe introduced the pencil to Britain.
Set in Scandinavia, Beowulf, who was the global swimming champion sixty years in a row, strongest man of the year 100 times in a row, and labeled by the TIME magazine as the sexiest man alive a billion times in a row, was literally a God, for that literally nothing could defeat him except for a fucking dragon. In the name of bravery, glory, glorious bravery, and brave gloriousness, Beowulf fought a bunch of monsters to the death, sometimes only using his pinkie toe, sometimes using magical gigantic weapons conveniently located in battle underneath swamps, and sometimes even fighting them butt naked because he was just that awesome.
Historical setting[edit | edit source]
Beowulf takes place during the time Scandinavia was still ruled by the Nordic Gods Thor and PewDiePie who experimented what a piece of wolf crap in human form would be like, and that's how Beowulf was born. Beowulf's name consist of three syllables: "Bae", "O" and "Wulf". "Bae" in Danish means "poop", so obviously his name means "Shit of a Wolf". People in Sweden were highly evolved humans at the time who could do absolutely anything, while those in Denmark were more primitive. Since the Danes, unlike the Swedes, couldn't fight their own battles against evil monsters who were rampant in northern Europe at the time, they had to hire these highly evolved Swedes to kick their asses for them. The demand of Swedish superhuman monster-fighters died down when Godzilla was born. As a result, the Swedish superhuman monster fighters soon became extinct.
Synopsis[edit | edit source]
Beowulf vs. Grendel[edit | edit source]
Grendel, you see, was a total loser. He was born from a pile of slime that was shat out of the rear of Cain, and he was kicked out by the Almighty from Heaven for being an asshole. Since then, he could never find a job and he had to live with his mother in a dark, cold swamp, for the rest of his pathetic and disgusting life despite being an adult. He was also very ugly and very dumb. His mom would never cook for him, nor did he know how to cook or buy any foods from his local swampstore, so he decided to go to the nearby megacity of Herot, known for having a shitton of booze, to eat a bunch humans on nightly raids for a dozen winters or so.
The population of Herot, which started as 80 nanillion, was now only a hundred and seven due to the city's eaten-by-Grendel rate being much higher than its birth rate.
King Hrothgar needed to do something about this. He felt helpless for a while as he couldn't figure what to do. Everything changed when he saw a billboard in the middle of the woods advertising a monster hunting dude named Beowulf. "Are you sick of evil monsters terrorizing your city fo twelve winters straight? Don't you just wish you and your people could just live in peace? Well, you're in luck! Call Beowulf and the Monster Hunters today, and we'll kick the monsters' ass and rip off its arm for you, and maybe even kill its mom! Oh wait, telephones aren't invented yet, sounds like you will have to deliver it through a stork."
Hrothgar thought that'd be cool, so he sent a request through a stork. Once receiving the message, Beowulf hiked down from Götaland and swam across the Kattegat in under 15 minutes. Before Hrothgar knew it, he found Beowulf right at the gates of Herot bragging about how cool he is when he kills monsters, evil reptiles and goblins on a daily basis for 7 hours straight. Then, they all ate dinner together and had a good time. Then, it was beditime...
Beowulf had a plan: he and all of his men would sleep in the cafeteria and wait for Grendel to come in. Then, Beowulf, who is pretending to sleep while totally capable of beating the shit out of Grendel at any time, heroically watches one of his men get eaten alive, and then come and beat him up and rip off his arm. Without surprise, his plan ended up working, because Beowulf had very good ideas. Grendel committed suicide when he realized there was no more value to life without his favorite arm. This made Grendel's mom very angry. Not only did they kill her son, they also kept Grendel's most beautiful body part as a trophy.
Beowulf vs. Grendel's mom[edit | edit source]
People partied all day and all night for Grendel's defeat and sucked to Beowulf all night long about his glory and bravery, two words that are never overused throughout the story, like at all. As a matter of fact, Beowulf needed more praise for his glory and bravery, it was a shame how underrated he was. Anyway, at this glorious party, there were delicious platters, margaritas, and Beowulf's favorite, steroids with a side of Red Bull.