PewDiePie
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|---|---|
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| Born |
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| Occupation | Nazi official, barrel-hater, YouTube cringelord |
| Years active | 1933-71 |
| Spouse(s) | An Italian pasta hottie |
Felix Arvid "oof" Kjellberg (24 October 1918 – 1 May 1971), known online as PewDiePie, was an Untersturmführer in the Waffen-SS and Nazi party official who worked for the Reich Chamber of Culture, the Nazi propaganda agency. As an official for the Nazi government and card carrying member of the NSDAP, Kjellberg was in charge of promoting the state ideology of Aryan supremacy and curbing the spread of "Cultural Bolshevism" in video games.[1] After World War II, Kjellberg served three years in prison before retiring to Brighton, England.
Early life
Born in Gothenburg, Sweden, Kjellberg moved with his uncle in Munich, Germany after his father and baby brother died in a tandem bicycle accident. Kjellberg and his uncle sold uncooked knockwursts in a traveling cart, which quickly instilled in the young Swede a love for his adopted country. Kjellberg assimilated easily due to his Nordic heritage and "blue-eyes, white dragon" look.
Hitler Youth
Kjellberg joined the Hitler-Jugend in 1933, at the age of 15. He gained the nickname "PewDiePie" from his Hitler Youth peers, after a type of Bavarian pastry made with leftover knockwurst. As the official graphic designer for his local Hitler Youth troop, Kjellberg made banner art and posters with hateful, offensive slogans like "Death to all Jews" or "Subscribe to Keemstar". Kjellberg quickly distinguished himself as an ardent supporter of White supremacy, and when he aged out of Hitler Youth he was hired by the Reich Chamber of Culture.
Life as a Nazi
Kjellberg rose through the ranks to become head of the video game department of the Nazi propaganda arm. Joseph Goebbels believed that the "degenerate art" of video-gaming could be re-appropriated to support the goals of Nazism. Kjellberg, along with the rest of the Reichstelespielkammer, ensured that only brooding white dudes with stubble could be video game protagonists, and that women were portrayed as dutiful wives/mothers, perpetually wearing sundresses and frolicking in wheat fields, or cradling blonde infants by the Rhine.
During the War, the Reichstelespielkammer developed several games of their own to promote the war effort, and to boost morale for soldiers on the Eastern Front. Kjellberg is credited as the sole-developer for all titles, though it is likely he did little of the work himself, and instead delegated the coding and graphics to a team of Romani prisoners. One title, Soldier's Duty, about a proud "Aryan warrior" deployed to the Middle East to exterminate the "savage Moslem horde", was released by Kjellberg's team in 1942 to lukewarm reception.[2]
Waffen-SS
By 1945, Nazi Germany was experiencing a severe manpower shortage, on account of all their soldiers dying. Hitler ordered all "superfluous bureaucrats" to be dissolved and either reassigned for the war effort, or turned into glue. Kjellberg was spared the Elmer's treatment due to an accounting error, and was drafted into the Waffen-SS, the military arm of the Nazi secret police.
Despite the edgy title of Untersturmführer, Kjellberg saw no actual combat, and was instead responsible for preparing the meals for the Nazi High Command in Hitler's bunker. Kjellberg allegedly cooked Hitler's final meal of powdered eggs and milled oats. Kjellberg managed to escape Soviet capture by hiding inside a barrel of lutefisk. He was captured by allied forces three weeks later, while trying to cross the border into France.[3]
Post-war career
Nuremberg Trial
Despite being a member of the SS, Kjellberg was only sentenced to three years in prison, and fined 35,000 marks (approximately £3,000, or $8,300 USD) for his role in spreading Nazi propaganda.
Death
Kjellberg died 1 May 1971, when his legs were severed in an accident at a processed meat factory. He bled to death at the factory floor, and his legs were turned into gourmet meatballs. The meat balls were then shipped to YouTube CEO, Susan Wojcicki who reportedly hung them above her mantle... then beat with a crowbar on the roof.
See also
Footnotes
- ↑ Video games, a then-nascent field of entertainment in the 1930's, were actually pioneered in Nazi Germany as a way to stress test the IBM computers used to streamline Nazi genocide.
- ↑ Other titles, like Lightning Strike (a proto-Breakout game, except the ball is shaped like a swastika), were better received.
- ↑ Allied spies tracked him easily, since massive flocks of birds would follow Kjellberg wherever he went, attracted by the pungent scent of fermented fish.