Asmongold
 | This article has been translated from the Russki. If this sort of humour does not appeal to you, you can always get your fat nationalist ass back to the United States. |
Asmongold (real name Zacharish Heil) is a far further right propagandist. He dwells in the attic of his Mom, a covert multi-billionaire living space - so covert, in fact - you cannot tell even inside of it. He is the nation-proclaimed ruler of roaches, raccoons, possums, and incels (in that order). He became famous streaming World of Warcraft, where he has since begun his string of various financial frauds, owing to which his unimaginable fortune. After only so long flirting with the alt-right, he began doing his now-infamous political streams, causing the right to Kick and the left to Twitch.
Biography[edit | edit source]
Zach was born into the family of a vicious loan defaulter and Knight who took part in the crusades to Vietnam. His childhood was fun, as a future Republican Nazi racist, Zach had many friends of different nationalities. At the young age of 5, he organized Gestapo groups, riding around the area on a bicycle and firing at non-believers with a water pistol. In Halo voice chats, he did smaller versions of his future broadcasts, discussing important political topics such as 9-11, Feminism, and Dr. Pepper supremacy with great conviction.
Later, he entered the Saul Goodman's Law College, but soon dropped out, preferring to further himself in the propaganda field. He worked for several years in the Ministry of Truth, distinguishing tasty propaganda from inedible ones.[1] After that, he was fired for inadverdantly publishing several Epstein files without censorship, forcing other employees to hurriedly fill in the 'problematic' lines with a black sharpie.
After his dismissal, he was deeply depressed and engaged in escapism, spending 27 hours a day on the massive-multiplayer-role-playing-entertainment-interactive-virtual-digital platform World of Warcraft. Soon, he decided to record his screen on a brand new Nokia 3310 and upload it on YouTube. When the Nokia's quality proved too overwhelming for most viewers, he started conducting live broadcasts through an Alcatel phone instead.
Despite his virginity and incelibacy, he has had many boyfriends during his life. At the same time, he has never been married, as he can never find that blonde Aryan, thin, pale, not very tall, certainly virgin, not kissed chan with thin delicate arms and cute bruises under her eyes. In fact, he couldn't find a single girl in the 21st century with his politics that wanted him anyway. At the same time, he has an illegitimate Vtuber daughter, who came to life by chance when his magical load splashed onto the screen with hentai.
Projects[edit | edit source]
Besides video games and handjobbing, one of Asmon's hobbies is running businesses. Asmongold's fortune would have been multi-trillion if he hadn't started his own businesses.
OTK[edit | edit source]
One of his unsuccessful projects was OTK (One True-Cockroach King), where he, along with other streamers, tried to film social experiments in his attic where cockroaches lived. As a result, Zach inaccurately spoke about cockroaches, saying that they are "not human," "have a lower culture," "steal American resources," and "their way of life contradicts the Western one." As a result, the cockroaches civilization expressed their dissatisfaction with his words, called them insulting and tried to run the cancelation campaign on the streamer. During the ruthless revolution, Asmon was overthrown from his cockroach throne, and Cockroach Cockroachie CCLVII took his place. So cockroach civilization turned from an enlightened monarchy into an absolute authoritarian dictatorship.
Starforge Systems[edit | edit source]
Asmon, along with MoistCr1TiKaL, founded their own company for the production of artificial stars. The universe leaders did not appreciate their quality and prices, as the natural stars were much cheaper, as well as not so moist and not so critical. As a result, Asmon was thrown into outer space by the same cockroaches from OTK revolution, which later seized production and blew up the 228th Death Star.
Video game activity[edit | edit source]
In his spare time from political activities and handicrafts, Asmon plays video games. Below are his most vivid gaming adventures.
WoW[edit | edit source]
World Of Warcraft is a game in which Asmongold has spent 3/2 of his life. This great game shaped the personality of young Zach, helped him to socialize in this complex world, find true friends and his place in life, and also provided a career with a development of several thousand light-years.
Of course, he played for White Cisgender Christian (Orthodox) male paladin who ruthlessly slaughtered a horde of orcs, trolls, goblins and other evil monsters from Twitter.
Asmon was an active member of the guild OnlyFangs, where he sold spicy photos of girls with fangs and the leaks of the players who played for them. Strangely enough, photos of young orc girls sold even better than catgirls.
Elden Ring[edit | edit source]
One of the first games Asmon played after WoW was Dark Souls. It was the game which shaped his radical views on the world, showed the injustice of life, unprecedented cruelty and female treachery. Later, he completed all the games in the series, which opened his third chocolate eye wide. But magnum opus of the famous japanese animator Miyazaki, Elden Ring, left an indelible impression on Asmon.
There, Zach showed all his masterful gaming skills, proved himself to be an expert in somersaults and secret attacks with a pass between the legs. He defeated Malenia on the zero attempt, then took her on a date, dated for 10 years, married and had two daughters with her, after which she filed for divorce and took away half of his fortune. That's the most difficult boss of the game, after all.
Concordia[edit | edit source]
Asmon is a well-known fan of the Concordia multiverse, and has not missed a single game in the series. He has 100,500 hours in Concord (stayed in the main menu even after the servers were shutted down), got a platinum in Highguard, completed Marathon by 110% even before the game itself came out, has 1 world top speedrun in Horizon: Hinters Gathering through trailers. As a result, Asmongold played these games more than all the people who defended these games on the Internet combined.
Epstein's files[edit | edit source]
Asmongold is professionally engaged in studying Epstein's files, regularly opens a website with the game on streams and sets various records. Currently, he ranks 1st in file speedrun in the any%, TAS%, outOffBounds% and CP% categories. He discovered such glitches as BlackHighLighterClipping, ClintonHop, PizzaDuping and others.
Other games[edit | edit source]
Besides the games listed above, Asmon has tried many other projects. He basically divides games into good ones and those created by modern California studios. At the same time, he plays both types at recess. For the second, he mainly conducts charity streams, where he provides free advertising to poor projects with multi-million dollar budgets. As a result, he earns more on game streams than the creators of the games themselves.
Asmon became famous for his abominable shooting accuracy. A video of him firing a shotgun at unarmed people has spread online. A similar video, only in a video game, has also gained some popularity. As a result, it's better not to invite Zach to play basketball, soccer or Columbine, or any games where precision is required, or any body parts. It is better not to stand next to him in the men's room, as his jet scatters within a radius of several parsecs.
Political views[edit | edit source]
As everyone has already guessed, Asmon is a Nazi. Of course, there will be no evidence, it should be obvious to every "normal" person. Below are his most terrible positions:
- Calls for the prohibition of Quran along with Arabic Numerals.
- Supports Masculism as opposed to Feminism.
- Opposes pro-choice, supports pro-abortion.
- Calls for "Sinking the boats" with Palestinian babies, as they will sail to Epstein Island on their own.
- Believes that all the problems in the world come from dysfunctional teenage boys and their moms.
- Says that there is no "Modern audience" in the media, there are only games for cool men and games from the Concordia universe.
- He's sure that WoW went downhill when pink ponies and wheelchairs were added to the game instead of pink submachine guns and nuclear bombs.
- Calls incelibacy and "No Nut Year" a working way to gain wizard powers.
- For him, showering and washing in general is a myth that was imposed by soap manufacturers.
- He introduced the terms "PvP server", "The Loot Council" and "Malding" into the official political vocabulary.
- Believes that Dr. Pepper should be poured into coolers across the country instead of water to instill good taste and atrophy sour receptors.
- Conducted a detailed cultural study of all the peoples of the world, and came to the conclusion that in every folklore of the world there is a character of a nasty screaming woman who sucks powers out of a men. Asmon is actively sounding the alarm, as myths and legends have begun to turn into reality in the 21st century. He presented his research at the monthly incelibate congress, and as a result, he received enthusiastic moans from men and indignant shouts from characters of myths and legends.
There are also several of his positions about other personalities:
- Jeffrey Epstein is a bad guy because he didn't share pizza and beef jerky with Asmon.
- Charlie Kirk was the best character from South Park.
- Envies Donald Trump and his beautiful hair, secretly keeps a bunch of his orange pubic hair under his pillow.
- Dislikes Elon Musk for believing that Tesla bots are playing video games insteaf of him. At the same time, he secretly dreams that Elon would take him with him to Mars.
- In public he says that he hates Hasan Piker, even though he has been having a long-term bromance with him.
- He wasn't "shocked" by what happened between Hasan and Kaya during Collargate.
Personalities[edit | edit source]
During his life, Asmon has made many enemies and allies. Below are some brief descriptions of the most striking characters in his wonderful magical story.
Allies[edit | edit source]
Emiru[edit | edit source]
Emiru - a streamer who became famous for her Asian-American appearance and neutral-Nazi views.
A participant in regular sexual harassment, as claimed by her victims. At the same time, she possesses the technique of deadly plush toys throwing, with one throw of Kirby she was able to send her ex into orbit. The fan who tried to kiss her on TwitchCon was castrated with a rifle on the spot.
She claims that she has no opinion on current political events, a standard statement for filthy Nazis. She couldn't pronounce the popular slogan "Fuck ICE" because she didn't have such experience, as it sounded too cold to put anything like that inside.
Her voice sounds like because of incontinence issues, she wants to end the stream as soon as possible and run to the bathroom.
Sometimes he feeds Asmon as her pet. It used to be quite inexpensive for her, but now the famous "2$ Steaks" costs 3$. Stupid inflation.
Tectone[edit | edit source]
Tectone - a streamer who became famous for his appearance as a regular visitor to expensive burger places. In his inventory he has a red checkered shirt with a +1 to wood chopping ability.
An avid ludomaniac, he has an uneasy love for three-hundred-year-old anime goddesses. When they stopped satisfying him, he switched to thirty-year-old goddesses from adult websites. As a result, he found his unstable, controlling goth mom and lived next to her in a booth on a leash. As a result, he peed in the wrong place and angered his mommie. In the end, she smashed his head between her thighs. Pieces of his head flew across the walls like a juicy watermelon shot from AR-15 by a girl from "r/TransWithGuns".
The remains of his brain were collected in a jar and brought to court, where the judge knocked Tectone out of his gothcor-era, privatized his booth in favor of goth mommie, and banned the use of his body for 10 years.
Now Asmon keeps a jar with Tectone's brain on his desk, while goth girl has completely abandoned men and fully follows DogPill ideolody, as now she makes content about dogs for dogs. Sometimes Asmon confuses Dr. Pepper and a jar with Tectone and drinks straight from it without noticing the difference.
Asmon's Daughter[edit | edit source]
Asmolgold has a daughter who responds to kassi. She's also known as the Cockroach Princess. She took Asmon from a foster home for fathers, and now she's raising him like her own dad. She runs a blog where she talks about the difficulties of her single daughter's life. By inheritance, she must take the crown from her father and rule over all cockroaches and incels. The first are not sure of her competence, but the second are looking forward to a bright future.
Enemies[edit | edit source]
Hasan Piker[edit | edit source]
Hasan Abdurahman Hamas Allahahbar Piker or HasanAb-user - the ruler of the California Socialist Republic, the Turkish reincarnation of Stalin, the illegitimate son of Kim Jong-un, who was born after his business trip to Turkey. The red communist sun, illuminating the way for Americans to a bright Rainbow-Islamic future.
Like any active socialist figure, Hassan is engaged in some kind of political activity. Hosts "The Late Show with Hasan Piker", where he invites all Islamic terrorists for a cup of coffee and conducts interviews with them. He regularly attends protests for the rights of various minorities, running into the crowd on his million dollar thoroughbred stallion. He also hosts a podcast for the working class from his thirty-story mansion.
Asmon and Hasan's relationship has been going on for many years and begins on a beautiful autumn day at the School for Little Propagandists. Hasan was late for his Class Inequality class and was running down the hallway. Hasanie was running so hard and not looking around that he accidentally bumped into Zach, the popular guy at school, the captain of the WoW team. Hassan raised his eyes and stood on tiptoe. Zach lowered his eyes and bent down a little. Their gazes crossed, and a spark ignighted between them. Embarrassed, Hassan turned away with pink cheeks, then remembered about his Karl Marx's "Capital" which fell out of his hands during the collision. He bent down to pick it up, put his hand on the book… Zach also reached for the book, their hand touched and... CLASSIFIED BY MINISTRY OF TRUTH.
Now Asmongold and HasanAbi hate each other, they regularly argue over whose propaganda tastes better and whose attic is cooler. But one day, during a teenage episode, Hassan couldn't stand it and gave the most nihilistic speech in the history of the Internet.:
| “ | I hate the left. I hate liberalism. I hate everything that's going on right now. I hate my life. I hate streaming. I hate socialism. I hate people who think that being a democratic propagandist is being the most annoying person in the world. The only person I truly love and cannot live without is you, Asmongoldie. You, my sweet pie. Now come over here and kiss me on my hot mouth... CLASSIFIED BY MINISTRY OF TRUTH | ” |
Nina Lin[edit | edit source]
Nina Lin - a marginal streamer, famous for raping live anyone without consent. Inspired by Michael Jackson, she also changed her race from Equatorial to Mongoloid. At the same time, in memory of the transition, she left her colourful voice, which she received after smoking a quintillion cigarettes.
During cozy gatherings with her girl-friends, she shared the stories about how she kept her brother chained in the basement and conducted with him all the experiments from the warcrimes list of the Geneva Convention. At one point, all the tests stopped. Maybe she took pity on her brother, or maybe she just ate him, which is why she got such a voice.
Nina is bothered by Zach in every possible way. She tries to stalk him at his house or at Taco Bell. She tried to get into his house, pretending to be a rabid possum. But Asmon was able to identify her by her disgusting smell and threw her in the trash. Later she tried to pretend to be a Dr. Pepper and wanted Asmon to suck out everything needed through a straw, but she couldn't fit in the cup.
Interesting facts[edit | edit source]
- Asmon has not showerd for all his life, thanks to which he has grown an exoskeleton, sees in the dark, can crawl on walls and potentially survive the heat death of the Universe.
- As a Boy Scout, Zach accidentally cut the twine rope in the wrong place and self-circumcised himself.
- Asmon knows at least 100 name-calling words for each nation and race, and his favorite begins with "n" and ends with
"igg""uclear". - Epstein's files were based on the memoirs of Zach's mother, who described all possible world conspiracies, from Pizzagate and Satanic rituals to the small pockets on jeans.
- Asmon refuses to have a hair transplant, as he's afraid that he will stop relating to his target audience.
- Zach dreams of starting his own farm in Texas and breeding young girls with nose rings there, while he will be an insemination bull.
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Does it by sound, like with soda.
