Charlie Kirk
Serious Zone: The following section contains no jokes. Don't expect any laughs... unless you find disclaimers hilarious. We don't judge.
Uncyclopedia condemns political violence in all its forms! We believe in the power of parody, satire and freedom of expression to bridge divides and unite all humanity in laughter, or at least mild amusement.
End of Serious Zone: Prepare for jokes in bad taste. You have been warned.
| |
|---|---|
 | |
| Born | |
| Died |
|
| Cause of death | Assassination |
| Occupation | Political argument-starter, social media user, master debater, author |
| Years active | 2012–25 |
| Spouse(s) | Miss Arizona (m. 2021) |
| Children | 2 |
Charlie Kirk (October 14, 1993 – September 10, 2025) was a right-wing political activist, master(de)bater, possessor of the world's largest non-equine set of gums, and penitent God-fearer. He was most known for being a follower of Christ, having a perfectly proportioned smile and for founding Turning Point USA, a conservative advocacy group which sought to bridge the political divide wrecking our nation by browbeating and clip-farming America's most retarded liberals for social media clout.[1] His viral debate clips garnered tens of millions of views, and his staunch defense of pro-life, pro-gun and pro-America viewpoints earned him comparisons to the inimitable William F. Buckley Jr., minus the part where he was a closeted homosexual.[2] An ardent supporter of President Donald Trump, he dedicated his life to spreading the Judeo-Christian values of free expression, America First, and branded hat salesmanship.
Sadly, his life was cut short by an assassin's ANTIFA bullet, inscribed with the messages, "I love my trans furry wife" and "This had nothing to do with Israel." He died doing what he loved, quibbling over FBI crime statistics in public. Charlie Kirk is now with his Savior, debating the angels over heaven's incredibly lax immigration policy.
Early life and education
Born in the mean streets of Arlington Heights, Illinois, Charlie Kirk lived a hardscrabble life, unlike the snowflakes he would later DEMOLISH in college campuses. Kirk was born with "Shrinking Face Syndrome", although that is technically a misnomer. The size of his face was perfectly normal for an infant, it's the rest of his body which grew.
Kirk was relentlessly bullied for reading Milton Friedman as a Middle Schooler, as all of his student peers were hardcore Keynesians. In High school, Kirk had a political epiphany after listening to The Rush Limbaugh Show: Limbaugh's patient, understated and measured rhetoric convinced Kirk that he could reach an audience of young people through healthy dialogue. After writing an article in Breitbart about the leftist violence inherent in getting stuffed inside a stinky locker, Kirk made an appearance on Fox News as their youngest ever panelist, at age 17.
Kirk applied for West Point in 2012, but was rejected for being insufficiently Woke: Kirk was invited to wear a sexual dog mask and engage in "puppy play" with the Superintendent, Lt. General [NAME REDCATED], wherein Kirk POLITELY but FIRMLY declined.[3] Kirk spent one semester in Harper College, before dropping out and making political activism his full-time job.
Charlie Kirk was married to Erika Kirk, winner of Miss Arizona 2012 and a woman five years his senior, which was pretty woke of him, not gonna lie.
Career
Turning Point USA
His brief stint in community college exposed him to the deepest, most unsettling problem plaguing the American educational system: the oppression of conservative college students. Picked on for wearing bowties and going fly-fishing instead of clubbing, wearing tweed and arguing with the professors over insufficient homework, conservative students were prime targets for bullying: they needed a safe space, a chamber where their beliefs could bounce off each other as if they were sound waves hitting a wall. Kirk knew conservative students needed a special identity group which advocated for their rights and unique cultural needs, against the prevailing oppressive monoculture.
Kirk's study of the blade and mastery of the blockchain attracted the attention of conservative businessman Bill Montgomery, who encouraged him to found Turning Point USA. Montgomery would became Kirk's friend and mentor, as they built TPUSA from a dorky club for Young Republicans into a politically influential "youth arm" of the Trump movement. Bill Montgomery would later die of complications due to COVID-19; following Bill's death, Kirk banned the practice of full French kissing Chinese pangolins in the mouth, as was previously custom at TPUSA. With Kirk the sole leader, he continued to revolutionize youth conservatism, replacing corduroy pants with sleek Chino shorts and Matt Walsh style skinny jeans.
Trump presidency
Turning Point USA started with a slight libertarian bent, but by 2016, they had abandoned their jorts wearing phase and fully embraced conservatism, America style. Charlie Kirk had initially endorsed Ted Cruz for the 2016 primary, which Cruz lost due to him having no charisma or any other redeemable traits whatsoever. Once Donald Trump won the primary, Kirk and TPUSA fully joined the MAGA bandwagon. Kirk's constant campaigning and viral marketing helped swing the Zoomer vote towards Trump, who reportedly saw him as a surrogate son, and the "older brother Barron never had." TPUSA's efforts to turn Zoomers right-wing were vital in Trump's wins in the 2016 and 2024 U.S. Presidential campaigns. Without Kirk, America might've had to face the oppressive rule of gerontocrats like Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden, as opposed to Trump, who was at most 10 to 5 years older than kirk.
Beliefs
LGBTQ issues
Kirk believed that marriage was ONLY between a man and a woman, preferably one with big hazoonkas. He believed the issue of Gay marriage should be left to the states, and the states which allowed Gay marriage should be vaporized from orbit with a giant laser. Naturally, he was also criticized for not respecting the beliefs and pronouns of trans people. Kirk elucidated his thoughts in a debate with progressive activist Dean Withers for the YouTube channel Jubilee, in an exchange which later became viral:
Kirk: I think it's the woke mind virus at work, you're born a boy, you get the boynouns. That's pronouns and boy mixed together.
Dean: So, you need to be biologically male to use... boynouns?
Kirk: That's correct.
Dean: What about God? Is he biologically male?
Kirk: No, God is spirit in nature and and doesn't have a biological sex.
Dean: So despite not being biologically male, he still adopts male pronouns?
Kirk: I see what you're doing, you're trying to pull a fast one on me. But there's a flaw in your logic. God exists beyond the human-made concept of gender, we use "He" for God the Father because that is how He chooses reveal himself, on account of His relationship with believers, as a Father is to His children.
Dean: And God, the Son, has all the proper parts, so he also uses he-slash-him.
Kirk: Don't talk about my Savior's balls, Dean.
Dean: And the Holy Spirit?
Kirk: Traditionally, the Holy Spirit is referred with "It" or "She", but I don't see—
Dean: So God transcends the concept of Gender, which is a social construct, and in his full triune form cannot be fully encapsulated by only "He", but also "She", depending on the circumstance? Is God genderfluid?
Kirk: I'll show you "genderfluid" you little minx![4]
Race
Kirk was criticized for statements claiming that Black women do not have the "brain power to be taken seriously." This was, of course, a misleading misquotation by the liberal media. In truth, Kirk's statement applied only to Black women who are famous. Black women who are not famous or infamous (like Candace Owens), actually have an average IQ greater than 130.
Abortion
Kirk was a staunch advocate for preborn children, who the lyin' liberals call "fetuses" so people will associate them with feet and then get grossed out. Kirk went a step further compared to average conservatives, in not believing in exceptions for rape or incest. As for what happens to poor mothers and their newborn infants after birth, Kirk believed in immediately enrolling both the mother and baby into trade school, where they can learn how to replace drywall or TIG weld and make a living on their own instead of suckling on Big Government's teats.
Foreign policy
Kirk believed in putting America first, and also unilaterally supporting the state of Israel in absolutely everything it wants to do at all times with no reservations in perpetuity. It is a miracle of God that these two guiding principles of his have never once come in conflict. Some provocateurs, like Qatari businessman Takar "al-Qaṭarī" Karilsun, have claimed that Kirk may have had private reservations about whether American interests were being served by supporting Israel's dalliances in Gaza or Iran. These claims have all been debunked, they have been completely and thoroughly deboonked, absolutely debonked, debonkadonked even.
Following his death, Prime Minister Benjamin "Bibi" Netanyahu declared Kirk to be a great friend of Israel, and even denied killing him twice, which is the greatest honor a member of the Likud party can bestow on someone.
As for Ukraine, Kirk was a vocal critic of sending billions of U.S. taxpayer dollars to Volodymyr Zelenskyy in a conflict with no American interests at stake, in which many hundreds of young men were being sent to the meatgrinder to be exploded into raining giblets by far off drones everyday. We will let you know whether we condemn or condone Kirk for this as soon as Donald Trump makes up his mind.
Assassination
On September 10, 2025, While speaking to a crowd of triggered libs at Utah Valley University in Orem, Utah, Charlie Kirk was shot by ANTIFA master assassin Tyler Robinson, a trans furry aficionado who texts like a beat cop pretending to be a 1930s philologist. Robinson had allegedly disassembled his Mauser Model 98 rifle before sneaked into the ceiling of a nearby building, reassembled his rifle, took the shot using a .30-06 round which left no exit wound, disassembled his rifle, jumped from the ceiling on camera while reassembling his rifle, and then fled into the woods, dis- and reassembling his rifle several more times before fleeing into a local Dairy Queen as FBI's top fugitive.
Speculation about killer's motive
Prior to the FBI's reveal of Tyler Robinson as the culprit, social media speculation of the shooter's underlying motives reached a fever pitch. Whiny liberals hoped the shooter would be an ultra-right wing "groyper", angry at Kirk for being insufficiently racist and so on. America's principled conservatives chose the high road instead, and bet all their money on the shooter being some ultra left-wing illegal communist Iranian immigrant. Piecemeal leaks about the shooter having a fetish for furry art and a trans girlfriend only muddied the waters, as this could describe somebody on virtually any point within the online political spectrum.
Investigation and capture
Tyler Robinson was apprehended three days later, thanks to the stalwart efforts of FBI director Kash Patel, after (in an inspired moment of detective ingenuity) Robinson's dad ratted him out to the cops. At the time, Patel was pursuing a lead in a hotel room with his 26-year-old girlfriend Alexis Wilkins, who is in no uncertain terms NOT a Mossad honeypot. In a meandering press conference, Patel stated that he would, "See [Kirk] in Valhalla," the afterlife promised to Norwegian pirates for killing and raping the Irish.
Local authorities revealed that, just after the shooting, Robinson had sent a series of highly incriminating texts to his bulge-noticing Discord kitten, laying out in perfect detail his motivations, his mindset, and his connection to the murder weapon and spent shell casings. Their star-crossed love story has already been optioned by Paramount Plus, to be released as a miniseries sometime in 2027.
As is standard practice with a high-profile assassination investigation, an autopsy was not performed to investigate the murder or look for bullet remnants: instead, a TPUSA intern tweeted that the bullet didn't leave an exit wound because Charlie Kirk's bones were made of steel.[5]
The release of Robinson's mugshots ended any chance of him being celebrated by liberals as a hero like Luigi Mangione, due to Robinson being a total uggo, and like, totally gross.
Reactions
Following his death, a memorial service was held at State Farm Stadium in Glendale, Arizona. Speakers included Kirk's wife Erika, Vice-President J.D. Vance, and Kid Rock, who performed a mournful rendition of his song "Bawitdaba" from his 1998 album Devil Without a Cause. In addition, President Donald Trump spoke at length about the legacy of Charlie Kirk, and the great progress they were making building the new White House Ballroom.
Conservative activists promised to exact their revenge against the Radical Left for murdering Kirk, and they struck their first blow by having Jimmy Kimmel's show taken off the air for about 6 days. Liberal activists, like author and white guilt dominatrix Ta-Nehisi Coates, took a more "Stallman-esque vis a vis Steve Jobs" stance on Kirk's death, i.e. "I'm not glad he's dead, but I'm glad he's gone." In their view, America, now free from the stochastic terror of Charlie Kirk's YouTube shorts compilations, would return to a place of peace and stability.
U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi, in response to the many distasteful memes mocking Kirk's death, even promised to ban all speech she deemed hateful. According to Bondi, expressing some opinions (even those not directly calling for violence) can still constitute hate speech due to their tendency to incite stochastic violence against vulnerable minorities. "The first amendment only applies to government action, it doesn't protect you from the consequences of your actions," Bondi said, while sipping a Matcha boba latte and reading a copy of Das Kapital.
See also
Footnotes
- ↑ They know not what they do.
- ↑ Don't believe what you see on Tiktok, Dean Withers was just a friend!
- ↑ You know wokeness is getting really bad when the Army starts doing gay stuff. The Army has never done gay stuff, ever.
- ↑ Rumors that they immediately ran backstage to make wild, passionate love are NONSENSE and complete PROPAGANDA!
- ↑ @AndrewKolvet. "His bone was so healthy and the density was so so impressive that he's like the man of steel" (Tweet) – via Twitter.
