Tucker Carlson
 | |
| Rank | Director of the Central Intelligence Agency |
|---|---|
| Predecessor | Unknown |
| Successor | Unknown |
| Date of Birth | May 16, 1969 |
| Date of Death | Feb 12, 2024 |
| Place of Birth | Frisco, California, USA |
| Spouse | United States of America |
| Political party | Mario Party |
| Allegiance | Central Intelligence Agency |
| Codename(s) | Liquid Tuck, Girlboss, Punished Tuck |
| Place of death | Moscow, Russia |
| Language | Unknown |
Tucker Carlson (declassified codename "Liquid Tuck") was the director of the Central Intelligence Agency between a nondescript period of September of 2001 and his death by complete accident on Feb 12, 2024.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Born in the incredibly funny year of 1969 to a family of beatniks, Tucker's youth was characterized by a fervent hatred of hippies and communists which would fuel his equally fervent studies of subterfuge and espionage. This would lead him to become associated in COINTELPRO [1]at the age of 11 at an unknown level as of date of writing. He would continue his work on the Bureau of Anti-American Activities until his recruitment into the CIA some time in the early 90s.
Career[edit | edit source]
Special agent[edit | edit source]
Codenamed "Liquid Tuck"[2], special agent Carlson would distinguish himself in Dubai, Algeria, Liberia, Arkansas, the Arctic Circle, Space, Atlantis, and Siberia against the forces of evil, along with serving temporarily as Consul of the United States in Vienna, Austria. Most of his work still remains classified to this day.
Director of the Central Intelligence Agency[edit | edit source]
After the events of September 11, executive actions by then-president Obama[3] would have Carlson promoted to director of the Central Intelligence Agency. This appointment is cited as one of the primary reasons behind the Gulf War, where Liquid Tuck would encounter the Metal Gear for the first time. As of time of writing, the details of this encounter are classified.
Mad with power[edit | edit source]
At the height of his popularity with the secretive cabal of oligarchs that control America[4], Carlson would slowly be noted as becoming more and more sloppy in his secretive work, especially so after starting a new period of his career ghost-writing for Benjamin Shapiro. Such a period was cited by enemies of the American government as "pretty cool", with Democratically Elected President of Singular Korea Kim Jong-Un being quoted as saying "God forgive a girlboss do anything".
Descending into a spiral of madness and alcohol, Liquid Tuck would rebrand as Punished Tuck after the events of 14 December 2008.
The George W. Bush shoeing incident[edit | edit source]
On the 14 of December, 2008, a terrorist would attempt to murder American Secretary of Ethics George W. Bush with one of the deadliest weapons known to man: a size 10 shoe. Acting quickly, Liquid Tuck would dive in to save the future president of America at a great cost: His own eye. Having sobered enough to rethink his life, Punished Tuck would resume work in the field.
Renaissance[edit | edit source]
Seeking to avenge his depth perception, Punished Tuck would go on to perform a variety of missions around the globe to locate the would-be assassin. Cairo, Dar es Salaam, Chile, Atlantis, the coast of Haiti, Algeria, Russia, and Hawaii would all be subject to immaculate spy work attributed to Punished Tuck, though none of it can be asserted with any degree of certainty. The CIA has neither confirmed or denied the involvement of Punished Tuck.
Death[edit | edit source]
On the 12 of February of 2024 under the cover of darkness, Tucker Carlson would corner President of Russia Vladimir Putin in his office in order to play Settlers of Catan national television. He would be found dead later that day behind the dumpster of a Moscow strip club without his organs.[5] However, it remains hotly contested if this was actually Liquid Tuck, or one of Putin's several clones of Carlson. Regardless of the outcome, Tucker Carlson would be buried at Arlington Cemetery with full military honors, and was posthumously awarded the highest military honor of the United States: His father's approval.
References[edit | edit source]
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ As per the "Fuck Children AND Black People" Bill of 1957.
- ↑ Due to his uncanny ability to piss six feet in the air, straight up, without getting wet. This art is known as challenge pissing.
- ↑ Obama is well known for spontaneously becoming President of the United States as tragedies unfold.
- ↑ Or the Rothschilds depending which version of reality you subscribe to.
- ↑ A signature move of the Russian mafia.