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Tut tut! Stop this tom-foolery at once!

“The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.”

~ Mark Twain on Politics
Recent elections in France.

Politics is the art of being wrong. The word is derived from the words Poly and Ticks, Poly meaning many, and ticks meaning blood sucking parasites. Politics therefore means many blood thirsty parasites. Basically, these politics/politiks or politicians exist to drink the blood of the citizens of a nation.

All politicians are blood sucking parasites and exist for no other purpose. In an effort to convince the masses that politicians have intentions other than sucking their blood they pretend to follow a fake ideological perspective called the "Left right paradigm".

Within the paradigm there are generally three categories of politicians: liberals, moderates, and conservatives. In the economic spectrum, there are Socialists, Mixed Economy/ Social Democrats and Capitalists. Each are equally partial to the sweet, sweet liquid nectar of human blood. Conservatives maintain power by making all but the richest 1% into slave laborers who are forced to build giant pyramids, whereas Liberals want to allow gays to legally marry you against your will. Moderates strike a balance between the two positions, arguing that gays can only force you into a "civil union" and that everyone should have the option of building giant collectively constructed pyramids. Besides these groups, other occasional practitioners of politics include taxi drivers, bar man, and students.

You can tell if a politician is lying if they are talking.

History[edit | edit source]

Simple and straight to the point.

Politics were invented by Margaret "The Iron Lady" Thatcher in 1944 after the down fall of Adolf Hitler. They were created not only to confuse the public, but also to entertain and distract them from the real issues of the day.

The three categories of politicians[edit | edit source]

Liberals[edit | edit source]

Liberals (Center-Left Wing), also known as Whigs, Democrats, Communists, Commies, Reds or lefties pretend to believe in keeping tradition alive, while caring about all people except for the wrong sort. They are well known for starting things with 'good intentions' and ending them with genocide.

Anyone who is liberal, generally sits on the center left of the government table while the blood of the people is being consumed by all present.

Moderates[edit | edit source]

Anyone who is moderate daren't speak their real views in case the current political party turns their country into a police state. If they don't support either side it's a win win situation if this happens.

Your local politician in action!

Conservatives[edit | edit source]

Conservatives (Right Wing), are also known as republicans, Tories, Chimps, The Rich, Oil CEOs, and probably not you.

Conservatives pretend to believe in not changing things, because tradition can bring stability. In actuality the current status quo actually being of them sucking the human life blood out of humanity.

Conservatives convince the rich by heavily taxing the poor while at the same time convincing the poor that they are rich so that they will support the taxation of the poor.

This tax break allows failing corporations to buy off their CEO's with multi-million dollar deals just before the organization goes bankrupt (commonly referred to as cock smuggler)

Anyone who pretends to be conservative sits on the right of the government table while everyone drinks the life blood of the souls of humanity.

Bathroom facility.

Real Politicians[edit | edit source]

With the exception of Screaming Lord Sutch (who introduced many useful dog related laws) no people who do not sustain themselves on the blood of human beings have ever become politicians.

Many have tried, but none have succeeded because politicians are chosen by politicians.

Essential Political Skills[edit | edit source]

Politicians must develop several essential skills that enable them to convince the general public that they are doing The Right Thing. These include:

  • Distraction: Techniques involve smiling, laughing, and talking about things that are as completely unrelated to the topic as possible.
  • Question avoidance: Many politicians have developed blindingly fast and agile question avoiding skills, akin perhaps to the bullet-dodging skills of Neo. This enables them to happily carry out as many less-than-desirable personal habits as possible. Examples of politicians' well hidden pastimes include Kitten Huffing and The Church.
  • Working for a bank: All politicians work for banks.
  • Convincing: Expert politicians can convince virtually everyone to believe bullshit that will never happen.
  • Using symbology: Promoting symbolic icons such flags, crosses, stars, and patriotism at the expense of humanity for the benefit of sucking blood from such.
  • Lying: Obviously.
  • Boredom: By insisting on discussing the least interesting aspect of the topic, politicians are able to defeat many opponents through sheer tedium.
  • Never mentioning the internet: Because these days they are pretty fucked because of it.

Activities of Politicians[edit | edit source]

Barack Obama is famous for hiding his platform behind a political smokescreen.

All politicians partake in the drinking of blood from the citizens. They also often vote themselves pay raises, dip into Social Security funds for their home states, and they like to argue a lot over just about anything. Whilst the conservative and liberal pretend to be natural enemies, they are often seen to combine power to rail against the sheer mediocrity of the moderates. Furthermore, no individual political party or politician is bound to a particular class and may move from left to right in order to secure the most power. Mass posting extremist views on the net is a common hobby among politicians, this way they attempt to feel bonded to the mundanes annoyed at something. Other common hobbies among politicians include getting paid, sleeping with prostitutes and submitting false expense claims.

Power is of vital importance to the politic, for without it there is great difficulty in obtaining access to a steady supply of sweet, sweet blood.

Pretended differences Between Left and Right Politics[edit | edit source]

Abortion[edit | edit source]

  • Left: You are on your own until you are born, and then you are showered with government handouts. Before birth, you're just a disposable, recyclable, useless set of cells; afterwards, you form part of The Collective.
  • Right: We protect you like the mad clinic bombers until you are born, and then you are on your own against big mean cowboy capitalists. Before birth nothing is more important than your life, afterwards we draft you into as many wars as we can.

Space Flight[edit | edit source]

  • Left: We waste billions of dollars for the pursuit of scientific knowledge alone.
  • Right: Hey, this is a great place to put weapons!

Taxes[edit | edit source]

  • Left: We should tax everybody who makes over....wait a minute, let me check my W-2....oh, right...over $37,301, at 100%.
  • Right: And the rich stay rich...

Evolution-versus-Creationism[edit | edit source]

  • Left: Creationism is drunk-rednecks trying to do science with their toes and who probably only have eight as a direct genetic response to much inbreeding.
  • Right: The dog-eat-dog survival-of-the-fittest Darwinian thinking is banal, offensive, and animalistic. That kind of stark thinking belongs in Economics, not Science and science is the work of THE DEVIL!!

Same-Sex-Marriage[edit | edit source]

  • Left: If blue states want to marry goats, pigs, and iguanas, we should have the right.
  • Right: Never... mention... that. NEVER!!!!!

Education[edit | edit source]

  • Left: Supports busing students to other districts and opposes standardized testing so all students can fail get shot with the same, diverse peer group black hoodlums every year. Why do you think Cleveland sucks?
  • Right: Supports keeping people in their own rich white suburbs bubbles.

TV[edit | edit source]

  • Left: Simplifies everything, while making counter arguments seem complicated.
  • Right: Tends to make counter arguments seem complicated, while grossly simplifying own standpoints.

Health[edit | edit source]

  • Left: State sponsored benefits for those suffering from hypochondria and free wart removal for all citizens.
  • Right: The cost benefit analysis shows that replacement wetbacks are more cost effective than maintaining worn out ones. Hey, don't blame me, that's the way the capitalist dream works.

Crime[edit | edit source]

  • Left: Kleptomania, drug addiction, chain-saw massacre, Rape, psychopathy, children post-homicide sexual abuse and overall schizophrenic acts of evil are minor behavior mishaps that should be treated with compassion not punishment. We should address the underlying social issues that cause such maladies.
  • Right: Hang 'em. Doesn't matter that the offender is ten years old and it was only a cookie, it is the principle that counts.

Money[edit | edit source]

  • Left: Money is the root of all evil! When we tax your income at 100% we're actually doing you a massive favour! In fact we should probably charge you to take it away, oh wait, we already do!
  • Right: M $ O ¢ N £ € $ ¥ $ $ R $ O $ C $ K $ S!₪₪₪!!! Don't listen to those commies!

Ultimate Aim[edit | edit source]

  • Left: To create a socialist, workers state! With beautiful women and plenty of vodka! To increase equality in our society.
  • Right: To kill communism and siphon enough money into my Swiss bank acount to buy half of the planet To encourage constant economic growth.
  • Center: I got nothing.... To be pragmatic.

A Simple Test[edit | edit source]


Are you a Democrat, Republican, Independent, Green, or Southern Conservative???

Here is a little test that will help you decide:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock 9mm, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:[edit | edit source]

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor? Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

Also, what does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all is so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer:[edit | edit source]


Southern Conservative's Answer:[edit | edit source]

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading).


Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"

Green's Answer:[edit | edit source]

Initially, Al Gore said something about Global Warming, paper production, pure water depletion, and lack of recycling would cause this. I solely believe it is time to call the IPCC. Anyone who share my interests could contact me at http://www.epa.gov/

Independent’s Answer:[edit | edit source]

All of the above

Tl;Dr[edit | edit source]

Mayor Quimby.png
Political issues
Related Things
  • FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
  • PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
  • BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.
  • FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, forces you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
  • PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
  • HUMAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
  • DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and drafts you to shoot your neighbours cows
  • PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
  • REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
  • BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
  • PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
  • LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Everyone is happy and rich and you spend your afternoons reading Ayn Rand stories to all your little veal calves.
  • POST-INTERNET CAPITALISM: You have two cows but no bull. Through the miracles of modern veterinary medicine, they none the less both have calves. You sell the calves and milk, and receive many Bitcoins in payment. The next day the value of the Bitcoins drops by a factor of 10. You declare bankruptcy, and all your debts are forgiven; the court is generous and you are allowed to keep one of your cows. You are sick of farming though so you sell your last cow for a wheel-barrel full of almost worthless Bitcoins. The day after that, the value of the Bitcoins inexplicably goes up again, this time by a factor of 1000. You are rich. You buy gold bars with your Bitcoins, throw your computer in the duck pond, and live happily ever after.
  • REAL-WORLD CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell both and buy a bull (bulls cost twice what cows cost). When you are hospitalized for injuries sustained while trying to milk your bull, you find that your health insurance doesn't cover bovine-related injuries sustained on odd numbered days. While you are in the hospital, the government expropriates your farm in lieu of unpaid taxes. When you are discharged, the hospital confiscates your bull in lieu of payment. You look for a good bridge to live under.
  • SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
  • UTOPIAN: Everyone has 2 cows, and the government does not get involved.
  • COWISM: You have two humans, and they can be milked.

See also[edit | edit source]