“Tories are not people, they are Tories”
The Conservatory Party of Great Britain is the oldest political organisations in Europe. Often shortened to Tories, members hold to a number of core, central beliefs which ensure their unpopularity amongst pinkos:
- Small government: the heating bills of a large conservatory are enormous - a smaller one will cost the people less.
- Low taxes: Tories are often short and cannot jump over high taxes. They therefore promote a policy of low taxes which hinders the tall majority but has won the lasting support of the short.
- Laura Norder: possibly the most popular Tory of all time, (apart from Margaret Thatcher of course), who recently revealed herself to be "anyone's, really" after suspicions of an affair with Tony Blair were confirmed
- Political incorrectness: fighting the "culture of political correctness" through the tactically tactless deployment of racist jokes and deportation of wheelchair users.
- Just say 'Yes!' to fraud and corruption. (See David Davis).
- Foreign affairs: From 13 July 2016 (when Theresa May became leader), the Tories are officially pro-Russia and pro-Putin.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
- Lock 'em all up: and forget about the prison bill
- The Tory dynasty began in 1236, when after a fine game of nun bashing, the 4th earl of Bognor decided to create a party for aristocrats.
Although the Tories have had policies such as Margaret Thatcher's attempt to end sociology and heal Augusto Pinochet, today it is the goal of the party to cause maximum upset and annoyance to liberals, humans, trade unionists and Oscar Wilde, irrespective of the damage it does their electile potency.
Recently the party has been forced to admit that many people have never voted for them.
- Margaret Thatcher
- Winston Churchill
- John Redwood
- Boris Johnson
- Michael Howard
- Lord Sauron
- Tony Blair
- Wicked Witch of the West
- David Cameron
- Vladimir Putin