Augusto Pinochet

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
The AuthLeft would probably call him a racist.

“Sometimes, you need to torture, murder and rape people until they stop having the wrong economic ideas”

~ Augusto Pinochet on what's wrong with democracy

“I killed my way out of a recession. Adam Smith would be proud”

~ Augusto Pinochet on economic policy

“Some have compared me to Adolf Hitler and it disgusts me to be compared one with such disgraceful ideas! Hitler's economic policies were appallingly dirigist and Keynsian!”

~ Augusto Pinochet on morality


~ Joseph Stalin on Augusto Pinochet

Augusto "The Death Pilot" Pinochet (November 25, 1915–December 10, 2006), also known as Pinoccio, served as the Pilot of Death of Chile during the Fourth Age. The people in this country call him "viejo conchesumadre", "viejo culiao", "pendejito"," or "tata". A former minion of Sauron, he escaped from Mordor after the fall of Mount Doom, making his way to South America (Like too many a nazi, but without help of the Catholic Church), where days were old and knights were bold and condoms not invented (actually they did, but the Catholic Church, told everyone it was taboo). He is the Chilean 'You Know Who' (or VOLDEMORT if you want it), (Not the first, but that's another story...)he had his own Death Eaters (CNI) (assassins without brain) and stuff like that. He was the opponent to the short-lived babe Salvador Allende, a.k.a. "el guerrero", or president of the proletariat of Chile. According to the CIA Salvador Allende was the worst president of Chile, bringing terror, poverty and thieves to the country. Of course, some would say Pinochet brought those things to but he actually exchanged "poverty" for "torture, murder and rape" and you can't argue with that. Oh and not to mention, the CIA installed Pinochet so I guess they can just shut the fuck up about that one.

Augusto Pinochet is remembered due to his love to kill people because they was rejected to join in PC gaming competitions. His heroism involve killing everyone left-of-center, implanting a government without a center, and doesn't know right from wrong.

Folklore in the Andes around the time of Pinochet's birth predicted a man would be born of goat and have a third nipple located on his forehead. A goat was found with a nipple for a forehead frozen in the Andes on 31st December 2010. The nipple survived. The goat did not.

He has a moustache.

Augusto Pinochet was grown in a secret CIA lab, and programmed to betray presidents and to kill. Contemporary records first note his existence in Chile, in 1937, though the preceding mythological account would indicate that his demonic essence is much older.

Augusto started (say) human life as a puppet, when he had life breathed into him by the Blue Fairy and became a wooden boy. His early exploits are detailed in the movie "Pinocheto", a classic Disney animated feature. After becoming a real boy (with a wooden head), he revolutionized classroom disruption by using small metal pins as projectiles, bouncing them off of two or three walls to strike his teachers in the back of the neck (as he never acted frontally). This richochet technique earned him the name "Pin-ochet", which stuck with him for the rest of his life.

Unfortunately, this brand of disruption led to his dismissal from Faivalarm Elementary. It was in 1948 that the United States discovered his talent, and immediately began training him for secret CIA missions in some smelly Boot Camps.

Seeking to get back to his roots, Pinochet crawled into politics to become the puppet leader of Chile in 1973. Though he wished upon a star, he was never to become a real leader.

Communists have been terrified of helicopters ever since the 1980s.

His erotic conquests include Helen Mirren (before she was a Dame), Alf, Etta Fitzgerald, That kid off You Tube that went to the dentist and acted stoned... you know the one, and Don Rickles.

He died (Gee, thank you God, what took you so long?) on December 10, 2006. It is known that he will be reborn on third day of the apocalypse to bring back chaos and horror to the Chilean pockets. Yes, pockets (his second favorite after murder).

It is rumored that if Margaret Thatcher dies in 2012, not only will the world end, but Pinochet's rotting corpse will begin to smell of cheap generic brand margarine.

In 2130, the third age of mankind, dawn of a new era, high majesty Pinochet's rebirth will be celebrated by dwarves and trannies everywhere with fancy dress and some cake. Hitler is rumoured to be making a comeback appearance (Not under his "W" persona though). He threw people out of helicopters and killed people

Pinochet Reversal[edit | edit source]

Trivia sections are Evil!

The article could be improved by reading it upside-down, or something, I dunno. Did you know it's impossible to lick your own elbow? Unless you're some kind of freak.

  • Augusto Pinochet is the inaugural winner of Maggie Thatcher's “Fwend of Bwitain Award”. The Award gets you an automatic +2 to save against extradition, and a +1 to succeed against tests of mental competency.
  • Augusto Pinochet has also been endorsed by felony anglophile Conrad Black, though he's never been in a helicopter with him.
  • He is still Dead.
  • His approval rating was 0.00, not even him approved of himself.
  • He was a wide aficionado of bestiality during his lifetime, known to have had many male dog lovers.
  • He was resurrected at castle Wolfenstein, until the scientists realized he had always been, and will always be a useless piece of shit and killed him.
  • The only good thing he did in his whole lifetime was dying.
  • In Doom 4, you can see him being violated by a Cyberdemon before being stuck up the ass of a imp.
  • Augusto Pinochet was a weasel motherfucker, but at least now it's dead, and may I say, he finally gave Chile a moment of Joy (even better than 1988).
  • The weasel mother is still alive and well.
  • Augusto Pinochet just eliminated the poverty in Chile, of course, by killing all the poor people.
  • Chicks that turn him on: Margaret Thatcher, Angela Merkel, Eva Peron, Ayn Rand, Condoleezza Rice and Sarah Palin (MILF ALERT!) and of course, his mother (OLD SLUT ALERT!).
  • Chicks that turn him off: Michelle Bachelet, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Segolene Royal and Golda Meir (too soft for him) And all that is female or human.
  • The alt-right use one of the only memorable things he did as a meme that later becomes abused so much that you can predict the exact nanosecond those ridiculous motherfuckers are going to post it in a leftbook discussion.