““No man who ever held the breast of Ann would be congratulated by a friend for obtaining it.””
““I'd rather go down on Bruce Lee. No, really, if he's around...””
Ann Widdecombe (born 4 October 1947), also known as 'The Miner's Friend', is a well known British politician, fitness fanatic and sex goddess. Despite appearing to be an a-sexual freak of nature, whose only hope of sexual intercourse would be bestiality or rape, Ann's sexual mis-endevours and her lewd affair with a prominent Conservative Party sheep brought down the government in the early 90's.
Rise through the ranks
After witnessing the murder of her best friend by a Guardian-reading, tax-avoiding, benefit-cheating immigrant, Ann decided to join the BNP. However, upon joining she was deemed more extreme and far prettier than Nick Griffin, and was subsequently expelled, whereupon she joined the Conservative party. Ann shot through the ranks of the party with a string of promotions (and a gun), mainly because none of her superiors wanted to work with such a hideous woman. It is claimed that she won the candidacy of her Kent seat by intimidation and threat, the effect of which was amplified by her ghastly appearance and the smell of old barnyards that prevails from her crotch area.
During a drunken blog post on her official fansite, Ann admitted she would be taking part in the 2012 London Olympics, in an attempt to persue her passion for diving. This information was not intended to be released until later in the year, however by the time editors of the site managed to remove the drunken confession, fans had already copy and pasted the text into various websites around the internet, causing world-wide controversy. It is unclear how Ann will be able to fit in a hectic diving practice schedule with the everyday task of being a worthless human being, however Ann is quoted to have said, "I'll try well hard".
It is unknown at this time what colour Anns bathing suit will be when she inevitably takes to the winners podium, however rumours have surfaced stating the chosen garment will be lined with 'golden thread' and complimented by 'flame decals'.
Vow of Chastity
Ann is a member of the Catholic Church and has taken a vow of chastity in order to serve God. The reality however is that nobody would go near her rotten fishy growler in a million years, so she chose this path in order to save her own dignity. Her social conservatism is a result of her own anger and jealousy. "If I can't get any then why should gays and unmarried people? Why should anybody!" she explained in an interview on Newsnight.
Following her promotion to the position of Prisons Secretary, Ann had to fend off rumours of her participation in Lesbian acts. Her department released a statement proclaiming; "The Right Honourable Ann Widdecombe is a complete stranger to sexual relationships with the opposite sex, or indeed any sex at all. The tabloid hacks that have associated her robust views and masculine appearance with those of a sexually-repressed, cock-hungry lesbian are sad indicators of the immoralities of our times". Indeed, Ann found it rather difficult to escape from scandal throughout her years as home secretary. In 1993 Ann purchased a farm in West Cornwall, prompting rumours that she took part in bestiality on a mass-scale. Ann refuted these claims, stating that purchasing this farm simply highlighted her "love for god's creatures", and wasn't indicative of the tendencies of an animal rapist.
Enormous Fahkin Jibbles
The working lorry men of West London hold a soft place in their hearts for Ann, because she is the patron saint, nay the Athena, of "Jibblies". There are three types of women - "Old Mums" (think June Whitfield); "Rattlies" (think Tara Palmer Tomkinson - things start rattling when she's nearby); and "Jibbleses" (think, well, Ann Widdecombe). Impossible to get even a semi on if a Jibbles is within a ten foot radius - excepting certain skinny, athletic librarian types who look like Jibblses with their clothes on, but who you know would go like fucking racehorses given a snort of amyl, a pair of Es and a decent feel-up in the DH Lawrence area.
Ann's Hitler-esqe homophobia has led many to believe that she is simply trying to hide her own blatant lesbianism. She was quoted by a reputable source as saying "Sex should only happen between married couples in the privacy of their own home, with the curtains drawn for the sole purpose of procreation". However, following her own bestiality and string of lesbian affairs, Ann is seen by many as a hypocrite.
Despite Ann's crusade against homosexuality, on a cold winter's night in December 1987, Ann succumbed to the irresistible temptation of Vanessa Feltz. Ann described the night in her autobiography (entitled "Ann Widdecombe: That Fat Bitch") as "a whirlwind of sexual tension and Nutella smeared on arse cheeks". Since this revelation has appeared in the public domain, dozens of young women have come forward and told of their molestation by Ann. Ann appeared in Harrogate Magistrate's Court on these charges, but was acquitted after she ate the judge.
The constant stream of scandals that plagued Ann ultimately became her undoing, and she chose to leave politics. Determined to rid herself of the masculine demeanour that had haunted her throughout her political career, Ann started to wear attractive blonde wigs, and took part in reality tv-series Celebrity Fat Club. This makeover proved successful, and Ann even managed to find her first ever human boyfriend; Norman Tebbit left his crypt in 2003 to seduce her, and the pair moved into Ann's Westcountry farm. Ann has remarkable agricultural talent; with her unsightly appearance she can turn milk into cheese by staring at it in just 8 minutes, as documented by Tonight with Trevor McDonald.