Nicholas John Griffin
Nicholas John "Fat Hitler" Griffin (born 20 April 1959) is leader of the British National Party, a remedial wing of the Conservative Party created especially for Wehrmacht uniform wearers. Demonstrating an unlikely sense of humour, he is a candidate for the constituency of Barking at the next general election.
Early life
Griffin's precocious intelligence was spotted when he began kindergarten. His mother, Klara, remembers her son had a natural authority: "The staff said they had never come across a child as bright nor as domineering as Nick. "Little fucker" was the nickname they gave him. I suppose he was just lucky to have been born with the right cocktail of genes. A fruit cocktail, mind you, but you can't have everything."
Griffin's move to secondary education proved more difficult, however; educated at an all-girls private school, Nick was able to attend only by pretending to be a girl himself. His secret was discovered when, at age thirteen, he suffered a mangina failure during a school medical. He was allowed to stay, with the provisos that he sit lessons by himself in a Wendy house and not enter the main building unless clad in a Burqa.
Political Growth
Nick Griffin’s appetite for Neo-Nazism was whetted by his father’s work for the Happy Hitler party. Fighting the forces of decadence in Britain’s cultural life, and the biological destruction and alteration of the British people, Griffin progressed from ironing his father’s black shirts to becoming chief pamphleteer.
Griffin continued his political growth at university and used the emerging Punk scene to promote Nazi values by forming the ‘Racy Mixers’. Whilst not a mainstream success, his band developed a cult following among other Narnia-jobs, producing hits like ‘I Am A Nationalist-ah’, ‘Pretty Boy Vacancy’ and ‘God Save The Queen - Which We Actually Mean’.
BNP Führership
Since Nick Griffin ousted BNP founder John Tyndall from the party dictatorship, his style of leadership has been markedly different from his late predecessor‘s, with more attention paid to presenting a homelier (Nick’s home haircut), friendlier (Nick’s charming smile) and less overtly racist (Nick’s love of Chinese food) façade.
John Tyndall was ultimately expelled from the party for writing the following to Germany’s N(sda)PD:
"I could never look upon Griffin as a true BNP leader. From the beginning, there was something in his character and personality that troubled me. He just didn’t seem ‘quite right’. My wife, like many women, is an extremely good judge of people. She has met nearly all of my chief political associates and has never yet been wrong in her assessment of them. “Don’t trust him,” she warned, "He's a fucking nutjob."
Nick's BNP is the party Winston Churchill would support (if Churchill was called Winstein Kirkberg, was a former NSDAP member and had gone mad).
Chairman of Densa
In early 2006 Nick Griffin become the Chairman of Densa, the worlds first Low-IQ society, after 'Nice but Dim' Westwood stepped down. Nick decided to accept the position of power so he could corrupt others in Densa which his racist ideas, and further his cause of “deport[ing] the ethnics to Madagascar.” Surprisingly, ethnic minorities are still allowed to join Densa and Nick seems to have missed the opportunity to deprive them of something. Alternatively, letting a thousand blossoms bloom, he could be allowing them to join so he gets their addresses and can have them rounded up and “deported…to Madagascar.”
Fascinating Facts
- Nick is not a Hitler-admiring, Holocaust-denying traitor. It is quite wrong to say that supporting his party is akin to pissing on the graves of the millions who suffered under, and fought against, nazi insanity. He’s an all-round good egg - not a creepy psychopath who’d probably enjoy strangling non-Aryan babies with his stubby bare hands and then burning their bodies to heat the hot water he’d need to wash away the forensics.
- Nick lost his left eye to shaving foam whilst working as a stuntman on the 1968 action film, Carry On Camping (thus proving the existence of Karma). A section of his frontal lobe went too, resulting in Griffin having to spend the next six months in a special hospital learning to march, rant and wink again.
- In the 2009 European Election, some particularly miffed people threw eggs at Nick Griffin, sending him scrambling for cover. He was then whisked away to avoid a further beating. Frying with rage, he said it was no yoke and we could not afford to make an omelette out of the next election. He promised, one day, it will be all white.
- Bears an uncanny resemblance to Disney's Quasimodo.
- Eventually convicted and given a Community Service Order to have group sex with some desperate aged Asian and African women. Given compulsory Bhangra Dancing lessons and required to do cleaning work in some Mosques.
- He looks like a really, really ugly version of John Barrowman.
