Liberal Party of Great Britain
|This article may be Overly British|
The British Liberal Party was a former political party burped into existence in 1859 after an all night tea drinking binge. It lasted until 1988 when the Liberals merged with the Social Democratic Party to make one huge political joke out of two minor ones. It was also called the Pantsdown-Knickersdorf Merger in honour of Paddy Ashdown and his personal assistant Paddina Von Knickersdorf. Pantsdown became the leader of the Liberal Democrats a.k.a 'Funny-Haha' Party and kept his clothes on long enough to make a speech about the start of a new political yawn...er dawn..(yeah..fill out the rest of the cliches)
- 1 Tea for Three
- 2 So Who Was Really A Liberal ?
- 3 The Liberal Conspiracy..Oops Ascendancy
- 3.1 William Gladstone
- 3.2 Gladstone Returns With His Chopper In Hand
- 3.3 An Old Man In A Hurry to See The Doctor
- 3.4 The End of Gladstone and Failure of Blubbering Lord Rosebery
- 3.5 The Challenge to Free (Sex) Trade
- 3.6 Liberals Introduce Communism
- 3.7 Suffragette City
- 3.8 The Kaiser Has Got My Chocolates
- 3.9 Lloyd George Knew My Mother.That's Why I Look Like Him
- 4 The Liberal Degeneracy..Oops Decline
- 5 Liberal Party Leaders
- 6 Notes
- 7 See also
Tea for Three
The story goes that the Liberal Party was formed in the Willis Tea Rooms in the Piccadilly area of London in June 1859. The reason why they met there and not the Houses of Parliament was that it was essentially a well known 'knocking shop' with secret bedrooms. Whilst undressing for dinner (it was one of those parties ), the leaders of the Whigs, Peelites and Radicals agreed to combine together to defeat the Conservative Party which was then in government. They decided to call themselves Liberals as it sounded bold and beautiful and emphasised their commonly held beliefs in Free Trade, Free Sex and Free Gifts For The Deserving Wealthy'.
Once they put their Victorian clothing back on, the newly minted Liberals returned to the House of Commons, defeated the Tories and made Lord Palmerston Prime Minister again. Only William Gladstone wasn't happy as he had missed the meeting whilst out rescuing fallen women outside his home in London. They seemed to trip up everytime they passed his front door and would wait for him to come out and pick them up. The women were later known as Gladstone's Bags.
So Who Was Really A Liberal ?
At first it would be fair to say that the Whigs really expected to remain in control of the new fangled Liberal Party. They had the men - the wealthy ones - and the social and political expectation that they would always remain in charge. They liked the lazy part of laissez-faire capitalism and thought economic liberalism should keep government spending down to a bare minimum. Whigs were however a declining breed, probably too much prescribed Laudanum and the notorious addictive Earl Grey tea were perhaps also a factor. This political laxativism by the wimpy Whigs meant they left Gladstone to get on with it as he seemed to be keener to do things in government, As for the Radicals...well they were always banging on about a number of strange causes like banning drink for small people, saving sailors from licensed whore houses and preaching about sin which just wasn't to the Whig taste. The best known Radical leader was John Bright - except his wasn't and liked to wear suits two sizes too small for him.
The Liberal Conspiracy..Oops Ascendancy
Known later as 'The People's Willy Warmer', William Ewart Gladstone is the perhaps the best remembered Liberal leader. Originally a Rigid Conservative, Gladstone could stand erect in the same political position for hours which impressed other M.P.s and also his wife who went on to produce ten little liberal children. However Gladstone eventually left the Conservatives when he discovered that he wasn't getting enough opportunities to meet the opposite sex and embarked on a long secret career trawling the streets of London looking for 'Fallen' or 'Loose Women'. In contrast to the pleasure seeking Whigs, Gladstone convinced himself that it was his duty to do this and that God had dropped him a telegram outlining His Divine Plan.
Gladstone's growing bend away from Conservatives to Liberals (via the Orange-Peelites) marked him out as something of a maverick. He liked to unwind (when not in the House of Commons or in lurking outside brothels), by scrubbing up with Homer in a hip bath, showering with Socrates and finishing with a hot rub down with Sappho. Once they had gone home for the night, Gladstone would curl up with Alfred Tennyson and listen to him reading Charge of the Light Brigade to make him forget about sex for that day.
In 1868 Gladstone became both leader of the Liberals and Prime Minister. He wanted to make sure the new Liberal government would have a solid list of achievements from which to shout out about. This is a summary of what they were :-
- 1869. Irish Catholic Jacket Potato Act.
- 1870. Liberal Re-Education Act for the Politically Insane.
- 1871. Vice Bill (This Is My Address) Act.
- 1872. Free Drugs for Cheer Leaders Act.
- 1872. Secret Sex in a Barrel Act.
- 1873. Loose and Fallen Women Amendment Act.
- 1874. Atheism on Omnibuses Act.
After all this legislation, the Conservative party leader Disraeli was to comment that the Liberals looked 'like a range of exhausted drunks who'd finished throwing up their Radical sick'. Gladstone was so upset with this attack that he resigned and the Conservatives won the next election. He then went out and took out his anger on a copse of trees near his country home. Gladstone's brutal axe attack disqualified him from leadership of the Liberal party and he was told to go away and practise his twisted habits in private.
Gladstone Returns With His Chopper In Hand
Gladstone's enforced retirement left the Liberals with the choice of John 'Fatty' Bright, a newcomer from Birmingham called Joseph Chamberlain who spoke with a distinctive monotonous I am going to hang myself Brummie accent and a brace of Whigs led by the Marquis of Hartington. The Liberals chose the hairy faced aristocrat but he spent most of his time sleeping on the opposition side of the House of Commons or with his mistress. The Radicals grew impatient and demanded Gladstone back even if he was going mad with his powerful sex drive, cutting down a lot of phallically symbolic trees to curb his urges. When Gladstone ran out of trees, he went back to public speaking in a series of gigs in Scotland known as the 'Mid-loathing Campaign' against Disraeli (in that he was working up for a headlining Full-loathing concert at Covent Garden Opera House, London.)
In response to Gladstone's renewed political activity, Hartington was shoved out of the way and the frenetic tree feller came back in 1880 and became Prime Minister for the second time. Gladstone would later wish he hadn't as everything that could go wrong did during this ministry and would see the party break up in a major hissing fit about Irish self government.
An Old Man In A Hurry to See The Doctor
The Liberals were an unhappy bunch of campers between 1880-1885. Troubles in Ireland caused them plenty of anguish there and to make matters worse, the Irish nationalists had a new monochromatic (and skirt chaser) leader in the imposing shape of Charles Stewart Parnell. Though a nationalist wanting Home Rule for Ireland, he was a Liberal when it came to the bedroom where he carried on with another man's wife Kitty 'Twin Perkies' O'Shea.
The Liberal leaders soon got to know about Parnell's wandering eye (and walking stick) as one of their leaders Charles Dilke was doing one better than Parnell by enjoying threesomes in the privacy of Hyde Park. So Parnell and Dilke became friends in shared guilty secrets. Only Gladstone was told about this backstairs channel of communication with the Irish leader but he was often out searching for more fallen women to save and bring back to Number 10 for tea and a fumble on the chaise longue. So Gladstone wrote all the relevant details in a notebook and gave it to his son Herbert 'Dense' Gladstone who was acting as his personal secretary but refused to wear the regulation corset as required.
Perhaps this is the reason and in discomfort for not strapping is belly in, Herbert Gladstone flew a large kite over the family house which spelt in huge letters 'PARNELL AND SEX: HOME RULE FOR THE EMERALD ISLE' .This alerted the Whigs that the Prime Minister was about to hand over Ireland to the Irish. Appalled by this and a threat that their country home beds would be jumped on by uncouth Dubliners, the Whigs and Joseph 'Joey Boy' Chamblerlain huffed off and created their own Liberal (Gladstone Is Not Invited) Party - otherwise known as the Liberal Unionists.
The End of Gladstone and Failure of Blubbering Lord Rosebery
Gladstone generously blamed everyone for the political disaster of 1886. Dilke was sacked and his troilist trysts in Hyde Park were illustrated all over the News of the World in revenge. This also marked the end of Gladstone's midnight rummagings when his wife finally told him that he should retire now he was nearly 90. So the Grand Dirty Old Man (G.D.O.M for short) as he was fondly called by his lady friends reluctantly agreed and decided to blow off his excess sexual energy by attacking more forests. A few days later Gladstone was killed by a falling tree. As the joke went round, for a politician who had spent so much time with fallen women, it was fitting Gladstone was flattened by a tumbling tree.
The Liberals elected Parnell as their leader but he died suddenly from a surfeit of melancholy when his libido broke down in the bedroom. Keeping to their tradition of inviting sexual athletes as leaders, the Liberals chose Lord Rosebery. He was one of the few old time Whigs who hadn't bolted with the others out of the party. Rosebery had a stable for his racehorses and another building for his team of jockeys who were reputed to 'ride both ways'. Oscar Wilde was also a friend and a regular visitor who was open to the offer to 'saddle up'.
Shortly after becoming Liberal leader Rosebery was given the job as Prime Minister as Queen Victoria admired his virile young body and had grown tired of 'Old Hairy Chops' - otherwise the Marquis of Salisbury - who was leader of the Conservatives. But like his thoroughbred equines , Rosebery needed a 'goat' to calm his nerves down. The Tories cleverly stole the goat one day and the distraught Rosebery resigned in tears and spent the next 30 years in his house going through endless boxes of Kleenex.
The Challenge to Free (Sex) Trade
Following the 1895 election, the Liberals were deservedly thrown into the political wilderness. Their next leader William Harcourt liked foot stamping and head butting rivals, though in this case his 'rivals' were his own party colleagues. Harcourt was dismissed and replaced by Henry Campbell-Bannerman who was a professional Scotsman. He would wail if he heard the poetry of Robert Burns and would suck on a kilt to calm himself down.
Campbell-Bannerman and the Liberals were dismissed as anti-British by the Conservative/Liberal Unionist government and history would have ignored them if Chamberlain had brought up the idea of ending the Free Sex Trade.
Though now an imperialist and close friend of the Tories, Chamberlain had found it difficult to escape his poisonous liberal background. So he decided the best way to combat it was to reintroduce Prophylactic Protection (or Tariff Reform when talking to the Financial Times and Wall Street Journal) to protect all good British patriots and maintain the British Empire. He called it the Blighty Raincoat and urged all supporters to wear one to save them from unprotected liberalism.
However this policy failed. Even the English rejected Chamberlain's 'Raincoat Solution' to banish liberalism and preferred to keep things as they were. Some of Chamberlain's old Whig allies led by Duke of Devonshire (formerly Lord Hartington) campaigned against him with the slogan Puncture the Protectionist Rubber and urged all their followers to 'plough away unsheathed and unabashed'. Distressed, delirious and deranged, Chamberlain resigned and went to bed early where he died eight years later from an overdose of Colonial Coco Pops. The campaign against Free Sex Trade appeared to be over for now.
The collapse of the Conservative government now meant The Liberals were back in office and ready to drop their pants in an ejaculation of empowerment. They also had a slop bucket of extreme Liberal ideas which were so extreme the Communists could have sued for political copyright.
Liberals Introduce Communism
Normally described as the introduction of the 'Welfare State', legislation was brought in by the Liberals with their new political allies, the Labour Party, to end capitalism and bring about communism. It had been no coincidence that the Russian Social Democratic party (i.e. The Bolshevik Party) had been allowed to hold their party meetings in London without anyone bothering them. Only Winston Churchill was suspicious, but he was at this stage a Liberal ( changing political parties after he met his wife Clementine at a 'fruity frolic' in Downing Street) and was therefore not very paranoid at this time. This is some of the examples of what the Liberals did:-
- 1906. Trade Unions Can Blackmail Business Act
- 1907. Act of God Act (Abolition of Christianity)
- 1908. Old-Age Pensions for Old Liberal Girlfriends Act
- 1909. The House of Lords 'Get Stuffed' Act.
- 1910. Introduction of the Cult of Liberalism Act
- 1911. Second Homes and Second Wives Act for Left-Leaning Politicians.
- 1912. Irish Gnome Rule Act.
And so Liberally on.
Henry Campbell-Bannerman, who was the tartan face for the proto-Trotskyite Liberal regime, died in France, where he had been enjoying more of the entente and less of the cordiale. Officially it was said he died admiring himself in a hotel mirror in the Ritz Hotel, Paris, but other stories mentioned Stalin and Lenin as having been there also. The whole event was put in a brown envelope and deposited in a safe deposit box in Harrods, where it still is (number 1908 if you are interested).
He was replaced by Herbert-Sherbet Asquith, who had been the financial minister for the Liberal government. Asquith's number two was David Lloyd George, Philanderer of the Exchequer and a Radical. He had left his wife in Wales and filled up empty hours in London bed-hopping to raise money for a secret political fund.
Like all Liberals in that era, Asquith preferred his 'little women', lying down passive, expectant and non-voting. This policy outraged one group of women who said they were the modern day 'Little Women' and would suffer for the vote - and hence got given the name Suffragettes. They were led by Dame Emmeline 'Edna' Everage-Pankhurst and her daughters Christobel and Sylvia. Asquith and other Liberals called them 'The Spankhursts' and suggested that they only wanted the Vote for Ladies so they could support that 'nice Mr Balfour and the Conservatives'.
The Suffragette problem even reached King Edward VII who was very much a liberal himself when it came to women. When Asquith and the Liberals refused to give in to the Suffragettes, Edward blew a raspberry whilst reading the King's Speech' in Parliament to voice his support. The Opposition M.P.s laughed but women were still kept away from the ballot boxes.
In revenge, Asquith's best trousers were stolen and set alight in Parliament Square .The leading Suffragettes chained themselves to policemen in the resulting fight. Winston Churchill asked the American government to help out and the leading Suffragettes were sent to Cuba to knit woollen socks for the British navy.
The Liberals were still hoping to increase Government communism during this period but were faced with the selfless and principled opposition by the House of Lords. The Conservatives wanted reforms to be paid with introduction of a Fornication (Outside Marriage) Tax as they knew this would hurt the Liberals more than them. However the crafty Liberals dressed up their blatant mob socialism in the fake language of democracy. The Duke of Mucque (that is Mu-Kay NOT Muck !) stood up for the people and denounced Asquith, Lloyd George and the rest of the Liberals as wanting to introduce compulsory wife cheating. Unfortunately the People didn't listen that year and returned the Liberals to power.
The Kaiser Has Got My Chocolates
By 1914 it seemed the Liberals would stay in power for ever. Somehow they got over the scandals of rampant sexual activity, criminal food activity by Lloyd George in the Macaroni Case when he tried introduce Italian pasta to a nation brought up on boiled cabbage and bully beef and building the new Dreadlocks to take on the bullet headed Prussian navy. Only Ireland was giving problems to the government but real opposition came from protestants in Ulster who believed they were about to have a Catholic wafer shoved down their throats.
Once again the Liberals were their own worse enemies. Asquith who was married to the formidable Margot Asquith began writing to the well connected society beauty Venetia Stanley. Asquith sent her a stream of silly love letters, gossip stories, limericks and saucy sea shanties. He also put in an a regular order of Monsieur Poirot's Bedtime Chocolate Novelties to be delivered to Venetia every week. This little sweet toothed affair carried on discretely until the Germans invaded Belgium and personally looted the chocolate shop. They discovered Asquith's regular standing order for the chocolates and were about to go public on the British Prime Minister's secret love life. However Asquith - scared of the news breaking out and also scared of his wife, decided that the best way to cover his back was to declare war on Germany. That way any story about the chocolates could be dismissed as vile German propaganda.
World War One so started - at least for the British Empire - on a very trivial issue but there had been no doubt the German Emperor Willy Kaiser wanted to mess up the map of Europe to his country's advantage. It was also rumoured Germany wanted to introduce a single currency as well to be called the Kaisermark. The British didn't care much if anything for their supposed allies - the French or the Russians - but felt a twinge when another country threatened the imperial British pound.
Now that Asquith had started a war about a box of chocolates, he needed allies with real military experience and chose Lord Kitchener to lead the war effort. It wasn't a wise decision as Lord Kitchener looked better on a poster than he did in real life. The British press loved him and called the man who was widely praised for finishing off the rebellion in South Africa by the Boers, a 'war winner'. However even Churchill worked out Kitchener was probably less then he appeared. Nor was he impressed with Kitchener's habit of dropping all business and then heading to a band stand to perform with his group 'General Kitchener's Shell Shocked Band'. The government eventually stopped this and made Sergeant Mustard Pepper a scapegoat for 'leading the noble Lord astray' and had him shot. Lord Kitchener agreed to resign and then steered his yacht in the path of a torpedo fired by German U-Boat a few months later so they could die with an unblemished reputation.
But even this didn't help Asquith and the Liberals were forced into a coalition with the Conservatives. Appalled by Asquith as a war leader, the Conservatives eventually offered to support David Lloyd George to become Prime Minister. Lloyd George agreed and Asquith was forced out to pasture. The Liberals split with half of them going with Asquith whilst the others decided to stay put with the new Prime Minister as they were promised political (and especially) sexual favours. They also hoped to win the war as well but hoped the Goat Would Get Their Oats first.
Lloyd George Knew My Mother.That's Why I Look Like Him
It just goes to show how Great Britain was desperate in 1916 that they allowed David Lloyd 'LG the Goat' George to become Prime Minister. An M.P. since 1890, Lloyd George had pretended to be a lot of things in his career up until then. The Radicals thought he was one of them and he had used the language of the socialists and communists in his fight against the Conservatives. But really the main motivator for a Liberal like Lloyd George was sex. This is why he got the name 'The Goat'. He had a huge advantage in that he liked women (at least good looking and interesting ones ) whilst other Liberals were dull. The Conservatives were hampered by their exposure to excessive kinky sex at private schools and were tongue tied and shy with the girls. Lloyd George had no problem in those departments.
He was also one of the very first politicians to make his secretary a work-in lover when Frances Stevenson joined his staff just before the First World War. Before then secretaries were always men and it was thought women were not up to the job (at least the official one). It also helped to calm Lloyd George who now drifted into a cosy arrangement where his wife stayed in Wales most of the time and would only come down to London for show. Otherwise Lloyd George could live more or less openly with his mistress and encouraged everyone who worked around him to adopt the same louche attitude.
Remarkably...Lloyd George probably did make the difference and the war was won. He should of really resigned after that but the coalition Prime Minister wanted to fix the peace as well. In 1918 he fought an election with the Conservatives against his former Liberal allies. Asquith lost his seat along with nearly all the other Liberals who had opposed Lloyd George. His new plan was now to persuade his political followers to create a new party with the Conservatives but they were still wary of sharing a bed with Lloyd George. To them, Lloyd George carried the deadly disease of Sex-Liberalism and it wasn't long before many in their party became infected.
Of Lloyd George's old pre-war Liberal colleagues, only Churchill had stayed with him. But unlike Lloyd George, Churchill had only been a liberal for political reasons and not moral ones. He then became more interested in fighting 'bolshevism' and said the British Labour party was really a Communist wolf in sham sheep clothing. This offended many Liberals who began to desert Lloyd George.
With his reputation (ok WHAT REPUTATION ?) crumbling, Lloyd George decided he needed a war to divert everyones attention away from his failings. In Ireland who sent over the Black Eyes and Tanned Tommies, an army of British football hooligans to take on the I.R.A. Most of them never got out of Dublin, preferring to singing and smashing up the bars.
Looking for a new enemy, Lloyd George instead picked on the Turks and threatened them with war if they recaptured Constantinople. The Turks ignored this attempt of fake heroics so Lloyd George resigned to avoid taking the blame. Though no one knew it at the time, the last Liberal to be British Prime Minister packed up his suitcases and left by the back door with his mistress.
The Liberal Degeneracy..Oops Decline
Disunity and Dissing
The loss of office meant those Liberals who stayed with Lloyd George now had sit once again with their erstwhile political friends who had remained bovine-like loyal to Asquith. These were known as the Squiffy Liberals as they had been drinking themselves silly and hugging bottles under tables for the last six years in their anguish of political exclusion. The two groups eyed each other like a pair of bar room brawlers over who was 'the real Liberal Party' but then the Conservatives reminded everyone of the past with a renewed attempt to end Britain's Free Sex Trade once again.
Forgetting their mutual hatreds for the moment, the Squiffy-Liberals and the Sleaze-Liberals had a noisy slurpy kiss-and-a-make-up session and agreed to fight as one party against the Conservatives. Perhaps they remembered all the good times they had before the First World War and like an old married couple, they wanted to renew their passions one more time. It was time to jump on the couch and pull each others clothes off. Even Winston Churchill who was never one much for the cause of Liberal Free Sex and had been thinking about trying his political luck with the Tories again, rallied once to the Liberal banner and fought the 1923 General Election as one of their candidates.
But like any remarriage, it was a false dawn, followed by spilling the glass containing the false teeth. The Liberals came in third behind the Tories and the Labour party and so were given no chance to form a government. Within a few months, the Liberals were fighting each other again. The British electorate finally grew bored of them and they were reduced to a flabby rump of 40 M.Ps in the House of Commons at the next election. Asquith (now more or less permanently pickled) was removed as the Liberal leader and Lloyd George got the job because at least everyone knew who he was.
This went down badly with Asquith's drinking pals who pretended to accept 'The Goat' as leader but now wanted to head off somewhere else. They got their chance in 1931 when Lloyd George's breeding tackle let him down and forced him to temporarily retire as leader to have a prostrate gland operation. This gave the chance for those Liberals who preferred economics and alcohol to slip out of the party and form an alliance with the Conservatives at the 1931 election. They were even happy to give up their old Liberal belief in Free Sex and so it was left to the Conservative party to finally introduce Protection and Rubbers All Round. This saved the British economy, made Cricket popular and ended the rampant domination of the Liberal Sexual Elite that had held sway in England since the 1840s.
Passing of the Libido Age
Lloyd George eventually returned to politics but he now had no few followers except his own family and one friend. Even those Liberals who hadn't buggered off to join the Conservatives didn't want him, so the disillusioned former Liberal Prime Minister went off to visit Adolf Hitler and ask for political asylum. However even the Nazis refused to have a sexed-up/washed-up Liberal living there and expelled Lloyd George back to Britain. The old Liberal hung around until 1945 and died in the arms of his former mistress who had decided to marry when his first wife died.
At least the recent Liberal leaders had been interesting but now the party selected a right bunch of dismal donkeys to lead them. Herbert Samuel who was an ex-Squiffy Liberal who chose not join other colleagues in their bed sharing arrangement with the Conservatives was so dull that that he forgot his own name in a debate in the House of Commons.
The party's next leader was Archibald Sinclair. He liked to wear tight button up suits and high wing collars. This made him look less interesting than tailor's dummy. In World War Two Winston Churchill gave Sinclair a job looking after the Air Ministry. This was a wise decision as most Liberal ideas were flying pigs in the sky by this time. Sinclair lost his job and seat in 1945 General Election and by 1951 the Liberals numbered just six M.P.s, four mistresses, three dogs and countless bastard children from nearly a century of libertinism.
I Once had the Liberal Party in the Back of My Cab
The General election results of 1951 should really have been the end for this long discredited party. With just a half a dozen M.P.s and a few fossils in the House of Lords, the entire Liberal Party could have been squeezed into a London cab and driven at a brick wall at high speed. Instead they were allowed to live on thanks to the sentimental Winston Churchill who still had a soft spot for his former party colleagues. However by this time Churchill was past his best so he really can't be blamed. But perhaps there is an answer.
At this time the Conservative Party was really run by Sir Anthony Eden and Harold Macmillan who would both go on to become British Prime Ministers. Neither Eden or Macmillan were true Conservatives so the suspicion that they were either deep under cover Communists or had become secret sexed-up Liberals during their early formative political careers. The evidence for both these explanations can been seen as it was they who persuaded local Conservatives not to stand against the few pathetic Liberal M.P.s left and so ensured that the party survived. It is said the truth lies with Scotland Yard who have a box that holds a lot of suspicious papers in their possession which cannot be opened until 2051 .
This really was a shame as it meant Eden and Macmillan's clandestine support for amoral and immoral liberalism allowed it to survive and indeed flourish. It was helped by the Communist led BBC and the spread of liberal sexualism at universities like Oxford and Cambridge. Communists and Liberals openly twisted the minds of children who had come from solid Conservative backgrounds and indoctrinated them with pervertism and the ideas of sexual liberalisation. At this time Britain still appeared to be happy, Conservative in thought and deed and with a common fear of non-British food and people. Even the Labour party (which never really did sex except with Ramsay McDonald and that was very kinky) were enthused with a similar conservative spirit and though they talked about a 'workers paradise' and other such political moonshine, they were sober on the issue of sex outside the marital bedroom. Now this was all going to change in the 1960s.
Return of Liberalism
It cannot be no accident the recovery of the Liberal Party in Great Britain in the 1960s was a national tragedy for everyone who liked listening to the Wireless and wearing grey suits. Even though the Liberal Party itself wasn't particularly big, its acolytes and followers had insinuated themselves into the heart of what had been the Conservative Establishment and turned it Liberal. So persuasive was this liberalism that it is also got to the Conservative Government who now for the first time began to have their own sex scandals. In 1963 it got so bad that the then Prime Minister Harold Macmillan had to clarify a press report that he went to bed 'with trollops' what he actually meant the Victorian writer Anthony Trollope and not prostitutes. In the end a British minister John Profumo had to resign when it was discovered he was sharing a bed with the KGB, CIA, Marks & Spencer and the entire cast of My Fair Laddie ( a homosexual Scottish version of My Fair Lady) and had no time to play with his ministerial boxes.
The Liberal Leader during this time had been Jo Grimond (not Joe, an example of Liberal sexual ambiguity) and when he decided stop
sleeping around being leader, the party elected
Jeremy Thorpe as their leader. A strange looking man who looked a bit like
the lost brother of American President Richard Nixon, Thorpe wasn't very photogenic and had the appearance of a man who was at least a day behind with shaving. However he didn't need to look that good because the real Liberal leader was Roy Jenkins. Nominally a Labour Party M.P., Jenkins had been liberalised at some unknown date and was now in a position to implement the full Liberal package on the British people. As Home Secretary, he introduced a raft of sex-liberal measures that even the governments of Asquith and Lloyd George had been afraid to introduce: They included:-
- Compulsory Homosexuality Unless You Opted Into Marriage
- Sexual Abandon on Television/Theatre/Radio/Literature/Personal and Public Life.
- Letting Joan Collins Take All Her Clothes Off.
This spread of Liberal License to thrust their nudity in your face and waggle their privates was also helped by the spread of drugs so that the people of Great Britain drifted through a fug of moral irresolution. Even the Conservatives were no help as they too were putting it about as well. Just when all seemed to be lost, a man and his dog entered the picture to stand up against this liberal tide of filth: Norman Scott and Rinka the Great Dane.
Kill Me or Shoot the Dog
The name 'Rinka the Great Dane' still gives Liberals today the cold sweats. It was the dog that could have told the waiting world the truth about the British Liberal party. However before she could paws to paper or slobbery lips to microphone, Rinka was shot whilst being taken for a walk near the Glassy Tor on Dartmoor. Her escort on that day, the former male model Norman Scott later claimed they were ambushed by leading members of the Liberal party.
I knew it was them...I could smell their dirty sandals and a strong smell of body odour before they popped out in front of me with loaded shotguns. I shouted to Rinka - Run You Bitch..but before she had gone a few paces, the Liberals shot her in the back. They then turned their weapons on me and said 'and this is from the leader of the party'..but the guns jammed and my executioners all then burst into tears and blamed the pro-Conservative gun lobby for the misfires. I made myself scarce and made contact with the police.
Scott got himself a lawyer and arranged Rinka to be represented by Droopy, a cartoon dog with a droll sense of humour. The Liberals denied they had any plan to shoot Rinka and asked 'We Don't Shoot Doggies Do We ?. Meanwhile other information emerged suggesting Jeremy Thorpe and Norman Scott were smuggling rare rabbits into France in the 1960s and that both liked to wear the same underpants whilst alone together on camping trips. It was all becoming very luridly Liberal so Thorpe resigned as the party's leader. He was latter charged as part of a conspiracy to murder Norman Scott but in the end the British legal system decided this 'damned dog's death' was threatening the establishment and found Thorpe and other Liberals not guilty.
Come Back To My Bedroom and Prepare for a Great Shag
Following Jeremy Thorpe's resignation, the Liberals chose the Scottish Liberal David Steel who had a few years had been responsible for changing the law in England to legalise abortion. This Herodian approach to child care went down well the Immoralistic-Liberal British establishment and helped to establish Steel as a political 'moderate'. They also decided to support the Labour party government against the opposition Conservatives (Thatchbollah - Party of God) who were eager to take over. However this last ditch attempt to stop the arrival of Margaret Thatcher into power failed in 1979 and the Tories were swept back into power and would remain the Governing party for the next 18 years.
Oddly the new Conservative government confused many people by indicating that they believed in '19th century Liberalism' and supported Free Trade. It soon became clear that for Thatcher at least, her liberalism was of the economic type but not all her followers accepted or understood this. As they should have known, embracing any form of liberalism is like trying to dance the tango with a diseased corpse. So it isn't surprising that during this period it was the Tories who were often caught with their pants down in a series of sex scandals which would also include one of their future leaders and Prime Ministers John Major.
Meanwhile the Liberal Party had formed an alliance with a band of dissident Labourites (Social Democratic Party) lead by Roy Jenkins. As the founding father of Social Liberalism of the 1960s had so damaged British society, it was a natural for Jenkins to organise an alliance between his followers and the Liberal party. Calling it 'The Alliance' - this new political combination was at one stage they most popular political movement in Britain and they believed for the first time since the 1920s, the Liberals were on the verge of government again. This lead to a speech in 1981 by the then Liberal leader David Steel...
I am in the first Liberal leader in donkey's years to say to all my fellow party members: Get dressed, Cut off your beards, shave your armpits, stub out those funny smelling cigarettes and ring your partners to tell them you will now be home for dinner. Because as Liberals and Social Democrats, you must prepare for Government. There is no such thing as a free shag in Centre Party politics again.
The Liberal Establishment (The B.B.C. and The Guardian newspaper) loved this speech and told everyone that Margaret Thatcher and her brand of economic liberalism were doomed. But once again no amount of liberal waffle could have prevented Argentina invading the Falkland Islands. The British needed Margaret Thatcher's robust shedding of blood (mostly Argentinian) to show that at least the British Armed forces were still free of the bacillus liberalis and were able to kill anyone (except Americans of course) who offended this country.
The Liberal-Social Democratic alliance failed to make an electoral break through in 1983 and Jenkins resigned as their 'Prime Minister in Waiting' role. He was replaced by the Social Democrats by David Owen, a telegenic former Labourite government minister who had the advantage that he was a lot younger than Jenkins and appeared to be less stuffy and Scottish compared to Steel. He was more allergic to liberalism as well and wanted the Alliance to adopt the 'Social Market' and outflank the Conservatives on the right.
This worried many Liberals whose preferred option was a full on, no holds barred merger with the Social Democrats. They also had a new Liberal champion, Paddy Ashdown a former soldier turned politician who it was said could kill with his bare hands. Following the 1987 election when again the Alliance made no progress the Liberals made their move and demanded the two parties should properly combine and create a new one. Owen declined but was forced out by other Social Democrats who went ahead with the creation of the new party that later became known as the Liberal Democrats. The Owenite Social Democrats marched on alone until everyone grew tired of them and laughed when they finished behind the Monster Raving Loony Party in a by-election. A few of the more beardier and smellier members of the Liberals refused also to join up and have carried on ever since as the Home Weave Liberal Party, a sad band of hairies living in caves and eating their own toenails.
In 1988 therefore the old Liberal party was finally put to rest. In its place arose a supposedly new party called the Liberal Democrats but it didn't take too long for the old Liberal vices of sexual incontinence and political incompetence to be aroused once again. When Paddy lost his pants...it was Happy Liberal Days Are Here Again !
If only Rinka had lived..what stories she could have told.
Liberal Party Leaders
- William Gladstone (1868-1876)
- Marquis of Hartington (1876-1880)
- William Gladstone (1880-1894) (Return of the Randy One)
- Lord Roseberry (1894-1896)
- Lord Pot-Pourri (1896)
- William Hardnutt (1896-1898)
- Henry Campbell-Bannerman-Beckham-Becks-Posh. (1898-1908)
- Herbie Goes To Number 10 Asquith. (1908-1926)
- David 'Two Wives' Lloyd George (1926-1931)
- Herbie Dull-Samuel (1931-1935)
- Educated Archie (1935-1945)
- Clement (Not Attlee) Davies 1945-1955
- Jo Going to A Jo-Jo Grimond (1955-1967)
- Jeremy 'I Didn't Order the Death of Rinka' Thorpe 1967-1976
- David Herod Steel. 1976-1988
- William Gladstone:Dirty Dancing and Dirty Diaries.Vol 5. (McShorty)
- 19th Century Arousalism in Victorian Politics: Hysterians Today (Vol 13)
- The Times. 14th June 1884
- Ibid. 15th June 1884
- Ibid.Dib-Dib. Ging Gang Goolie. Songs for Boy Scouts in the Prime of Life.
- Sexual Positions in Victorian England.. See chapter on Sir Charles Dilke and Charles Stewart Parnell. It's a hoot. (Harvard Series on Politics and Sex).
- Oscar Wilde: Letters to Lord Rosebery and the Jockey Called Cyril. (Memoirs)
- The Private Lives of Henry Campbell-Bannerman. (Sherlock Holmes Society)
- Liberalism and the Weakening of British Vital Bodily Fluids. MacCrap and MacCrap
- Unpublished diary of Liberal M.P. Sir Hamish Hooping-Cough. (Private. See Scotland Yard)
- Hansard. End page with the jokes scribbled on the fold.
- Bolshevik Party Minutes. The London Conference 1905. KGB Archives. Moscow.
- Suffragette City..Wham, Bam, Thank You Mam. David Bowie.
- The Gals Crusade. Suffragettes, the Vote and Asquith's Trousers. (Harpy & Siren).
- Private Correspondence. In other words I read it but can't say what was written. Author.
- Lloyd George: Father of the British Welfare State and a Lot of Other Children Not By His Wives. Fox-Collins Books USA. R.Murdoch.
- Goats: Liberalism, Socialism, Communism, Satanism and Zoophilia. The Great Secret. The Lord and Lady Mucque Diaries.Vol 15. Page 245. Third word in the second note. Says Goats and Lloyd George. Edited by Viscount Harry Mucque. Random House.
- 10,000 British Perverts in High Place. Pemberton-Billing. Tittle-Tattle Publications.
- Liberal Party in Sexual Transition. S. Freud. (from the Sex & Politics Papers. Vol 3)
- Liberal Party: Cooking for a Party of Six'. C. Freud. (The Glutton Imprint).
- Death and Liberalism: Rinka's Last Tapes. Translated from Canine by N. Scott (Farrago Press).
- Pantsdown! Liberal Party and the Decline of Morality in British Politics. Peter Snitchens. Asian Babes and Big Ones Media.