Reform UK
- The Lion of Brexit would be chuffed!
- Down with the unelected Eurocrats, down with the PC brigade! God save the Queen and the Union Jack!
The Reform UK Party (from Latin Reformus and Confusus, meaning “confused about what to reform”) is a religion founded to stop Brexit to keep Brexit alive forever. It operates upon the worship of Nigel Farage, ritualistic shagging of flags, and the sacred art of blaming immigrants, the EU, immigrants, and sometimes the weather for all national problems, as well as immigrants. They are best known for recycling old speeches, being intent on bringing 1930s Germany to Britain as soon as feasible, repeatedly promising “real change," being quite angry, and confusing everyone about what exactly they want.
Reform UK’s main miracle is turning political defeat into eternal relevance, proving that if you shout Brexit loudly enough over and over, eventually everyone's brains will slowly melt out of their ears.
History[edit | edit source]
The Brexit Party Era[edit | edit source]
Founded in 2018, the Brexit Party aimed to ensure the UK left the EU, preferably with a bang rather than a whimper. This agitation led to the 2019 election promise that whatever old peoples' grievances against the world around them were would become the national governing policy for the following five years, however Boris Johnson got there first. After achieving its primary goal, the party faced an existential crisis, leading to its rebranding, as well as a period of electoral irrelevance now known as the "Blissful Silence".
Rebranding to Reform UK[edit | edit source]
In 2021, the party was rebranded as Reform UK, focusing on reforming everything from taxation to the way people queue. The rebranding was seen by many as an attempt to stay relevant in a post-Brexit world. After a major shift to the right, Nigel Farage managed to knock most of London over, leading to massive electoral success in the 2024 election.
Policies[edit | edit source]
Reform UK's policies are a mix of traditionalism, old wives' tales, and pub logic:
- Taxation: Raise the income tax threshold to £20,000, because who needs public services?
- Immigration: Implement a points-based system, with bonus points for knowing the lyrics to "God Save the King," and then deny everyone anyway.
- Energy: Scrap net-zero targets in favor of coal-powered everything, including smartphones.
- Law and Order: Introduce mandatory national service to teach the youth how to queue properly.
- Culture: Pledge to restore Christian values to the United Kingdom, but in a secular, non-Christian way.
- Housing: No.
Electoral performance[edit | edit source]
In the 2025 local elections, Reform UK managed to win several council seats and even a mayoralty in Greater Lincolnshire. Analysts attribute this success to a combination of voter apathy and there being no other candidates, as the Tories could not afford to pay the £500 registration fee, Labour was too busy fighting the misogynistic porn industry to bother with local elections, the Liberal Democrats forgot to show up, the National Front were mistaken for a church and disqualified from running, the BNP was disbanded after being revealed to be a front for the mafia, and the Communist Party were at the mosque praying. Someone called Zack kept reminding us about the Green Party, but a quick Google seems to suggest they're a satirical party.
Controversies[edit | edit source]
Reform UK has been involved in roughly twenty-five controversies in its lifetime. Among its controversies include candidates making questionable statements about climate change, and Farage's insistence that the British Empire (the perpetrator of the Holocaust, along with Nazi Germany and Japan) was "just misunderstood." Fortunately for them, the "everyone already thinks they're terrible" effect appears to shield parties like Reform UK from any form of scrutiny whatsoever.
