Liberal Party of Australia

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Liberal Party of Australia
"Liberal Party Symbol"
February 28, 1944
Whatever they have in mind, C*ntishness

The Liberal Party of Australia are evil hypocrites who don't like Liberals (as in the political orientation) and like Liberals (as in economic policy). They sacrifice children, puppies and kittens to Mammon in the hope Pauline Hanson and Nick Powers reincarnate as the Australian Donald Trump. They also hate bogans, social mobility, homosexuals, the abolition of slavery, and therefore, 101% of Australia.

History[edit | edit source]

In 1944, the Liberal Party of Australia was founded after a three-day orgy held in a small broom closet in Parliament House in Canberra. The meeting was called by the then Leader of the United Satanists Rights Movement, Robert Menzies.

Robert Menzies had already served as Prime Minister of Australia until his death(served from 1939-41), but he believed that death was no excuse to leave office and risk people fixing up the right-wingistation he instigated.

Eighty men and no women (as their owners^H^H^H^H^H^H^husbands wouldn't let them off the kitchen chain) from 18 non-Labor political parties and organisations attended the first Liberal Party Orgy, all of whom had bad posture, ignorant and offensive views and lacked any social skills.

They shared a common belief that Australians should have less personal freedom and choice than that offered under Labor’s socialist plans.

Robert Menzies believed the time was right for a new political force in Australia - one which fought for the freedom of the corporation, or "the Man" to fuck around with the workers.

In his opening address at that meeting, he said :

"......what we must look for, and it is a matter of desperate importance to our society, is a true revival of evil thought which will work for the betterment of our economy, for national power and national progress, and for the full exploitation of the individual citizen, and not the freedom and equality offered by socialism." It is often said that Robert Menzies stood for the ‘forgotten people’ of Australia; those who lived there lives drinking champagne in yachts, and those who aspire to live their lives drinking champagne on yachts - "the aspirationals". Menzies sought to help these people, but mostly he strived to continue to remain in elected office.

On October 16, 1944, the name The Liberal Party of Australia was adopted, uniting the many different political organisations. Two months later, at the Albury Conference, the Party’s organisational and constitutional framework was drawn up during another wild sex orgy (this time their wives' chains were lengthened, allowing them to attend), during which John Howard was conceived.

The name Liberal was chosen because it was ironic and Menzies thought it would be funny to have a name that represented the opposite of what they stood for.

By May 1945 membership of the Liberal Party had swelled to 40,000, most of whom were rich slave-owners, deceased and burning in Hell or Satan worshippers.

It fought its first election in 1946 with some success, as it fought well and managed to devour the souls of 10 Labour senators. In 1947, the Liberal Party won State Government in Western Australia, South Australia and Victoria. In 1949 the Liberals, in coalition with the Country Party, a group of deluded hillbilly bumpkins, waged an Unholy War against the Labour Pary chanting, "We reject your equality and replace with EVIL!!eleven11!!one one!"

Sir Robert Menzies went on to lead Australia and the Liberal Party for 17 years, before he was killed in an epic battle by an army of Hobbits led by Van Helsing and Dr Who. The chronicles of this awesome coup are available at your local Labor party office, and all good comic book shops.

The Liberal Party has become Australia’s most evil and orgasmic party; it was elected to Government for 23 years from 1949 to 1972, and for another term of more than seven years from 1975 to 1983.

In 1996, the Australian people were turned into Zombies by a new head of the Liberal Party, Count Howard (aka Darth GST), who sent out his unholy love-toys, the Australian Young Liberal Party to bite people and turn them into right-wing, souless demons. In 2004 Labour retaliated with the vampire hunter Van Latham, however Latham was unable to succeed and was himself turned into a Labour-hating Zombie via the Pancreatitis demon.

Unfortunately, due to the bewildering sport of ALP factional inbreeding- er, sorry, I mean infighting- Tony Abbott was elected Primary Monster in 2012. Abbott was notoriously fond of posing in speedos, or budgerigar smugglers as they are colloquially known in Australia. During his reign of error, the animal rights movement took exception to the untold number of budgies who were cruelly and horribly asphyxiated through close proximity to Abbott's thighs and mass revulsion set in. Malcolm Turnbull desperately tried to make the Liberal Party modern and sexy again, but was replaced by a shameless ScoMo! This led to a period of outright Scomophobia successfully exploited by the ALP, and mercifully, in 2022, sanity prevailed as the Liberals were decimated. Not having learnt anything from being sent into the wilderness, the Liberals then elected a hair hater, Duttomort or Duttsferatu to the post of Liberal leadership. Worse was to come, as the Victorian Liberals became confused over the question of who was a woman, due to the fact that rabid conservative Christians don't like the idea of either sex or gender and want to ban any discussion of the filthy, filthy subject. It is no accident that the state once harboured a pressure group called "Women Who Want to be Women" who were subsequently found to consist wholly of men!

Beliefs[edit | edit source]

What does the Liberal Party stand for ? Large-arsed Ignorant Bastards Evil Rich Ass-secks Lying

Pathetic And Right but Terrible Yuppies

The non-core beliefs (subject to 180 degree changes without notice) include:

  • the inalienable rights and freedoms of all peoples to be exploited by big business; and we work towards a mean government that minimises freedom in the daily lives of minority groups; and maximises munney-makin'.
  • government that nurtures its citizens through human farming similar to that seen in The Matrix.
  • the most basic freedoms of parliamentary democracy - the right to have a flawed democracy, the right to be controlled by the rich and the right to have a whole bunch of apathetics randomly voting.
  • a just and humane society in which people are eaten with as little pain as possible... it hardens the flesh.
  • equal opportunity for all Australians; and the encouragement and facilitation of wealth so that the rich may have a good life while most people are left in mediocrity.
  • a firm belief that if you are not wealthy then it is your God given right to do the will of your betters, namely, the rich.
  • wherever possible, government should not compete with an efficient private sector; and that businesses - not government - should be in charge.
  • preserving Australia's natural beauty and the environment for future generations. Natural beauty includes the lovely sound of clear-felling and the fragrant perfume of toxic goop.
  • that our nation has a constructive role to play in maintaining world peace and democracy by supporting the destruction of all nations that do not support the United States of America.
  • that Australia has a valuable role to play as the lap-dog to other larger nations. We pledge to subvert Australia's national interests to those of other nations. Our price will never be beat, we will sell out for a title, or a free-trade agreement!
  • swearing allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Eliza... no, to His Imperial Bigness George Dubya Bush and the United States of America.
  • supporting the re-classification of Aboriginals and Torres-Strait Islanders to the status of "Flora and Fauna".
  • holding firmly to the principals of Terra Nullius and believe in the sacred duty of rich white people to rule over and take the children from Aboriginal entities.
  • that "truth" is relative and that all facts can be subject to interpretation. Lying is perfectly fine if it gets us re-elected.
  • that climate change wasn't created by man but a conspiracy theory introduced by the Labor party.
  • that the mining industry is more important than the environment.
  • that Australia shouldn't have to deal with the Black people coming on boats into our shores, and that we should turn those boats back the way they came from and kill the 200 people.
  • that single athiest women shouldn't be ruling Australia, no matter how slappable her arse is.

Leaders[edit | edit source]

Brendan Nelson has so far been the most charismatic leader of the Liberal Party (which isn't saying much).
Name Took office Left office Best forgotten for
Adolf Hitler 4004BC 1944 Assassinated by his own wife on their wedding night
Sir Robert Menzies 1944 1966 First Vampire, Van Helsing's second cousin
Harold Holt 1966 1967 Drowned in holy water, then torpedoed by the US, just to be sure
John Gorton 1968 1971 "... I'm not remembered" (more like not worth remembering)
William McMahon 1971 1972 "Shit... the calm before the storm..."
Bill Snedden 1972 1975 "Stupid Whitlam with his Kemlani rorts and bankruptcy..."
Malcolm Fraser 1975 1983 "Muahaha... I pwnd Labor... Governer General was a vampire" (GG was later revealed to be a robot)
Andrew Peacock 1983 1985 *chirpchirp*
John Howard 1985 1989 "Did someone say BUTT-SECKS?!?!?!"
Andrew Peacock
1989 1990 *more chirping*
John Hewson 1990 1994 "Who wants a slice of GST cake?"
Alexander Downer 1994 1995 "... things that batter. What's that? I'm out?"
John Howard
on a triple bypass
1995 2007 "This is a new age of terror and butt-secks. I am to George W. Bush what Monica Lewinsky was to Bill Clinton!"
Brendan Nelson 2007 2008 "I have never voted for the Liberal party in my entire life... Oh wait thats the party I'm leading!"
Malcolm Turnbull 2008 2009 "That silly bastard Nelson thinking that I would not be voted in by the party. What a n00b, couldn't lead the Liberal Party into a piss up... I bet he did not think that he would lose the top job..."
Tony Abbot 2009 Armageddon "Mad Monk to the rescue! We want to be less brown but are being more brown by opposing the ETS, gotta deliver the daily sermons and have tea with the queen before I push it to the max !!! ahh shit! I'm sorry that I have said that lol"
Scott Morrison Hell After Hell "Fires? Heh? What fires? Covid-19? What's Covid-19?... wait a minute, I actually have to govern as Prime Minister?"

See Also[edit | edit source]