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John Howard

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John Howard in his revised walking costume during the leadup to the 2007 'Straiyan Fed'ral 'Lekshun.

John Winston "Hoochy Pimp" Howard is a former Australian Prime Minister, a noble figure in international politics (We have to say this or he will beak loose when they come after us), often mentioned in the same sentence as "liked to lick George Bush's anus" and "had a habit of letting refugees die."

John Howard was also known to make poor decisions as regard to his facial hair. His eyebrows were genetically engineered never to come off, and he often had trouble seeing because of them, mistaking George Bush's arse for his face.

Late in November 2007, during an election the Australian people decided that they did not like John Howard anymore, so they all told him to go home, and please return all those CD's that they had lent him.


Despite his busy lifestyle, Howard still finds the time to pray five times a day.

John Howard's hobbies include drowning refugees and other needy people. He has a reputation of being compassionate for people who cannot swim, but unfortunately tended to teach them how to swim in the middle of the Pacific Ocean with no prospect of survival. His other hobbies include:


Howard was voted Australia's gayest Prime Minister in a 2010 Gay Men's Quarterly survey.

Howard has evoked much controversy regarding his stance toward the ever passionate topic of jogging and his upset boycott of comb-overs. Running out of reasons for the electorate to pay attention to him, John Howard resorted to a number of risky political maneuvers, including, but not limited to, the following:

  • Forging a strong alliance and a stronger Best Friends For Life bracelet with George W. Bush
  • Making people with double digit IQ's think they are witty for making repeated homosexual implications toward the aforementioned partnership
  • Giving free accommodation to illegal immigrants and refugees. Note: These accommodations have been described as 'inhumane' and 'cruel', with Howard countering with "At least they aren't in St. Kilda"
  • Distributing footage of his enjoyment of cricket. No one particularly cares, but no one wanted to say anything for fear of hurting his feelings.
  • Pretending not to be upset by the somewhat lame imitation of himself by Rove McManus.
  • Uploading jogging videos to YouTube

To this day, Howard is still considered a leader in the field of Mediocrity Disproportionate To Mockery, citing neglect as a child as the key to being uninteresting. This has been considered one of the stronger factors inspiring in Howard's critically acclaimed satirical nonfiction, WorkChoices, known colloquially as the Workplace Relations Act 1996 as amended by the Workplace Relations Amendment (Workchoices) Act 2005. Inconsequential television presenter and professional author David Koch compares WorkChoices to Jonathan Swift's A Modest Proposal, calling them both "A bit silly". Despite criticism, WorkChoices allow John and leaders of multi national corporations to bathe in a fine mist of truffle oil twice daily, and that's what really matters, right?


Ever since the beginning of his political career he has always had a firm belief in god telling the truth, Just like in 1994 when he announced that the GST would never be part of his government. Of course being the wonderful person that he is, he kept that promise. And Just before the 2004 election Mr. John Wankalotis Howard decided to sing one of his songs about trust.

Attitude towards Kevin Rudd

The 3 Faces Of Howard.

Kevin Rudd is John's greatest nemesis. If Australian politics was Star Wars, Kevin would be Luke sky walker and john would be Darth Vader, only without the:

  • Special effects
  • Uber cool light sabers
  • penis
  • Double Penis
  • Issue of parent hood (though John is old enough to be Kevin's dad)
  • The annoying breathing noise
  • Jaba DeHut (although most people relate him to Kim Beazley)
  • In fact it's nothing like Star Wars.

Musical Career

John Howard became the first prime minister also to have a singing career. His 2007 release, Rudd Ain't Got Shit On Me, includes songs such as All the Members Say I'm Pretty Fly For a PM Guy and I'm No Sinister Prime Minister. He was however proven unsuccessful as nobody liked his music, his singing and him in general. Neither were they even able to afford to buy his album due to the increase of fuel prices and interest rates, which he never did anything about.

John Howard's live in concert duet with Kevin Rudd, Economic Conservative, can be viewed here:

After Politics

Since John Howard decided that nobody liked him anymore, and he lost the election several jobs have been offered to him -

External links