Blue-ringed octopus

The sting can be recognized by an agonizing pain shooting up the leg from the foot, and, if the victim is fortunate, exiting as sparks from their rectum.

Blue-ringed octopuses (genus Venomous casanovara), which comprise three (or perhaps less) known octopus species, might be cute and cuddly if not for their high toxicity and touchy attitude toward being down trodden. When squashed under foot, these creatures retaliate by zapping innocent seabed strollers, usually either killing them or making them wish they were dead.^[1]

Being native Australians, blue-ringed octopuses prefer to dominate their habitat. The creatures are not very well-liked in their home country, although in Saudi Arabia they have been popularized as trendy pets by the television program Mecca Vice. They are so toxic that even a giant killer whale is afraid to set foot on one of them.

Ontology

“Crikey!?”
~ God on first creating the Blue-ringed octopus

The origin of the creature may be determined by each individual based on their personal faith. And because there are many belief systems, so there are many explanations as to the purpose of the Blue-ringed octopus coming into existence. For example, if one is any of the conflicting forms of Christianity then the prevailing belief is that Christ created the Blue-ringed octopus (and Jesus approved). Or if one is any member of totally opposing forms of Islam then their belief is that Allah created the Blue-ringed octopus (and Muhammad approved). If you're looking for a Jewish explanation, that would be that Yehovah created the Blue-ringed octopus (and Ira Cohen approved). Again, Buddhists believe that Buddha created the Blue-ringed octopus (and the Dalai Lama approved). While atheists conclude that Nature created the Blue-ringed octopus and nobody had any choice. Nihilists think nothing created the Blue-ringed octopus and it's an illusion — but they dare not pick it up.

Classification

Blue-ringed octopuses dare people to step on them

The genus was classified by Australian Oceanographers in 1994. Their findings were upgraded in 1995, and again in 1997, resulting in the confusion that, perhaps, there are, possibly, hundreds of sub-species of Octopus, and among those of the Blue-ringed variety there are believed to be three types:

Hellochlaena lunutica
Hellochlaena malevolena
Hellochlaena fascista

Characteristics

Feeding

Their diet typically begins with the bottom of people's feet. They pring their pringer into the foot and paralyze their prey with venom. Once the victim is down, they hug their head and use their beak to eat through the face and into the body, which they consume from the inside out.^[2] They consume other things too, such as Tiger Sharks and Box Jelly Fish, but they are primarily known as people-eaters.^[3]

Behavior

Apart from being extremely ill-tempered whenever trod upon, an individual blue-ringed octopus tends to use its penis a lot to achieve orgasm, so they spend a lot of time shagging. Often with no provocation apart from being stepped-on like a kilo of bad cocaine, the creatures adopt a vicious attitude, change to bright yellowish color with blue or brownish rings, and then go looking to zap and consume people in a righteous orgy of revenge.

Attack

An extremely unfortunate encounter with a blue-ringed octopus can be recognized by agonizing pain shooting up the leg from the foot — which may cause the heart to explode from the chest cavity or the brain to explode from the skull, or, if the victim is fortunate, exit as sparks from their rectum. This creature is unique in its reaction to being trampled, immediately becoming highly incensed. Their motto is, "I dare you to tread on me!"

Breeding

A male mates with a female by grabbing her buttocks — which sometimes completely obscures the male's vision — then transferring sperm by inserting his penis into her reproductive orifice over and over again until he achieves orgasm. If he has not gotten his nut yet, mating continues until the female has had enough, and has to remove the horny male by force. Males will attempt copulation with members of their own species regardless of sex or size. And when frustrated and horny they're particularly aggressive and deadly.^[4] If you don't believe this section then just click the link and find out for yourself. Always remember that Uncyclopedia is the proverbial end-of-the-road, so if you don't accept our version then you're doomed.

Venom

The Blue-ringed octopus is the size of face-huggers depicted in the film Alien, but its venom is powerful enough to dissolve even Ellen Ripley, what to speak of being capable of burning through a six inches thick slab of Unobtainium. There is no known blue-ringed octopus cure available unless you know a genuine Voodoo witch doctor — this is because unless you can revive the dead you have no chance of helping a victim.

Venom component

The octopus produces venom.^{[citation needed]} That venom contains incredibly toxic tetrodotoxin. The major neurotoxin component of blue-ringed octopus venom was originally known as malevolotoxin but was later found to be tetrodotoxin — compared with which the Alien's blood is as mild as hydrogen peroxide.^[5]^[6]

The blue-ringed octopus has venom powerful enough to kill aliens, what to speak of mere mortals.

Treatment

“If the victim's head is missing, do not attempt mouth-to-mouth resuscitation”
~ Uncyclopedia on treating a Blue-ringed octopus victim

Immediately try to bring the poor John or Jane back to life by shouting. Yell that the "ocean is on fire!" — they will believe you! It is essential that efforts continue even if the victim is missing their head or heart or both. If the head is missing do not attempt mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Tetrodotoxin poisoning can result in the victim being fully aware of their surroundings but unable to breathe, which must be quite disconcerting. If all life-reviving methods fail then dream up a good alibi, inform a lifeguard, and then wake up — like it was all a horrible nightmare. Then look up Blue-ringed octopus on Uncyclopedia, have a laugh, and thank your lucky stars that it wasn't you.

Conclusion

The Blue-ringed octopus is one of the most horny and dangerous sea creatures in all creation. It normally carries enough venom to kill ten adult elephants in 30 seconds. And for ocean lovers in Australia, the blue-ringed octopus are a right royal pain in the foot.^[7] If it ever happens that a Blue-ringed octopus becomes attached to your face, then pray that it only kills you!

Footnotes

↑ According to Crocodile Dundee, Discovery.com
↑ Yeah, yeah! We're grossed-out, too!
↑ You just read it right here.
↑ Ching Caldwell 2000. Sex life and mating in the blue-ringed octopus, Hapalochlaena lunulata, Anim Behav.:27-33
↑ Lua error in ...ribunto/includes/engines/LuaCommon/lualib/mwInit.lua at line 23: bad argument #1 to 'old_ipairs' (table expected, got nil).
↑ Caldwell, Roy, Dr (1996-2000). What makes blue-rings so deadly?.
↑ Dangers on the Barrier Reef.