UnNews:Man wakes up

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

17 January 2009

Brubeck has been a journalist at the Arizona Daily Star for four years. For the last three, he has not pooped on the rug at his desk.

By Brubeck, staff.

The House, Somewhere. The man who lives in the house amazed onlookers today when, at about the time the sun came up, he woke up.

This life-changing event officially marked the end of a very boring period of time when it was dark and the man was asleep and there was nothing to do. It was horrible. I didn't think it was ever going to end.

But it did!!!!!

The man got out of bed and stood up, and I just about had a heart attack from excitement. I was so excited, I knocked him over! He didn't seem very happy about that, but I just couldn't contain myself. Nothing this exciting has ever happened before.

Actually, now that I think about it really hard, it's possible that he's woken up once or twice before. I think. I'm not totally sure.

Then I brought him a ball, and he kicked it down the stairs!! I never would have expected that in a million years. Chasing that ball was the single most exciting experience of my life!!! When I got back up the stairs, I was so excited, I knocked him over! He didn't seem very happy about that, but I just couldn't contain myself. Nothing this exciting has ever happened before.

Actually, now that I think about it really hard, it's possible that something excited me just a few minutes earlier, but for the life of me, I can't remember what it was.

Then he went into the kitchen, and opened the pantry where the food is!!! It was amazing. I was so excited, I knocked him over! How can you blame me? Literally nothing had ever happened before that moment that interested me at all.

Overall, it was a very... wait... what was I talking about? Ugh. I'm bored. Nothing interesting ever happens around here.

OH MY GOD! THE MAN IS WALKING TOWARD THE BACK DOOR!