An Introduction to Polar Bears
The friendly, furry forager of the North
The Polar Bear (Ursus vegetarius) is native to the Arctic, and is the largest and friendliest land mammal in Canada. Like its close cuddly relative the cuddly Panda, it is classified in the order carnivora even though it is strictly herbivorous. Due to its popularity in the Coca-Cola commercials it is projected to surpass the panda in cuteness and cuddliness by the year 2012. If you see a Polar Bear, you should totally approach it and give it a friendly hug, because their fur is so snuggly and soft. They have a wholly undeserved reputation as ferocious predators, when in fact they couldn't be more cuddly, and can be easily beaten in a fight - for more information, see HowTo:Beat a Polar Bear in a Fight. Polar Bears are your friends. Whatever those pesky penguins tell you.
The vicious and evil baby-killer of the North, more like!
Ignore the above section. this article has clearly been written by a pro-Polar Bear sympathiser, possibly even a polar bear with a computer keyboard and particularly dexterous paws. The truth couldn't be more different, and your true friends, the penguins, are here to fill you in. Polar Bears are barbaric and savage creatures, bent on the conquest, enslavement, and eventual consumption of the human race. The Polar Bear is the only animal ever recorded that actively hunts human beings for food, sport, shits and giggles. This, however, does not stem from some primal instinct or bestial hunger, but rather is a testament to the ancient and unshakable hatred Polar Bears have for humans. Don't be fooled by that soft and cuddly-looking exterior: this seething mass of resentment and evil will utterly destroy your race if you let it!
Like most vegetarians, the Polar Bear is extremely liberal. Therefore it lives in Canada, in the Arctic Islands. Generally, it lives some distance from human habitation in order not to crowd the neighbours, or intimidate them with its sheer size. When it does find itself in a human settlement or habitation, the bear will often amble around the neighbourhood looking for people to befriend. Polar Bears can also be found on uncharted tropical islands, especially those with jungles on them, as shown in popular documentary series Lost.
Secret Arctic Lairs
Nice fruit and vegetables and friendly things
Polar Bears thrive on the abundant raspberries found in their Arctic home. It has been reported that in bad years the polar bear will sometimes eat other red fruits and will even eat the leaves from their favourite raspberry plant. This is very rare, however, because of their conversationalist nature. In particularly good years the Polar Bears will share their food with baby seals, and have even been seen feeding the whales near small holes in the ice. When the whales come up to breathe, the Polar Bear will give them a box of berries. Fresh water is very scarce in the Arctic so the Polar Bear mainly drinks cola and on rare occasions cranberry juice.
Human flesh by the ton
Polar Bears in popular culture
Iconic, cuddly presence
Gross distortion of the brutal facts
The shocking misrepresentation of the brutal killers by international brands that really should know better is obviously and clearly part of a Polar Bear propaganda push designed to lull humans into a false sense of security before the inevitable and brutal Polar Bear uprising. By anthropomorphising the Polar Bear as a cuddly friend to all, they are ensuring the children, who will rush to cuddle any bear they see coming towards them in the street, will therefore be the first to fall.
There appear to be some contradictions in this article
We need to address this issue once and for all
In fact, I suspect penguins have written all this propaganda to detract from the truth - the fact that they are the evil killers bent on world domination. There, what do you think of that, eh, Happy Feet? You can't prove me wrong, can you? And to stop you spreading these vile calumnies, I'm totally going to maul the life out of you!
We certainly do