Hobart

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“Twice the heads, half the intelligence.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Hobart.

Australia's feral unkept asscrack The Incestuous Principality of Hobart of Her Majesty, the Queen Mary of Denmark and Her Overseas Territories, Queen of Tasmania in general and Hobart in particular
Hobart's family tree
Government	Nursing Home
‑ Monarch	Mary Donaldson
‑ CEO of Wrest Point	Federal Group in perpetua
Currency	Aged Care pensions and Super
Religion	Blokes who play music in Elizabeth St
Ethnic groups	91% old farts, fogies, the senile and octogenarians 5% Eric Abetz's cabal of lizard people 4% Bridgewater mad cunts
Major exports	Tasmanian diaspora who bring up the fact they're Tasmanian to every mainlander they meet. human excrement
Major imports	Commonwealth grants
Hours of  operation	9-5pm, but you're better off in the morning. It's bingo and scones after lunch

Hobart is a corporate entity owned and operated by Federal Group, for set lease on the terms seen fit by Her Majesty, Queen Mary of Denmark. The city is located on the Derwent River Estuary, a pristine location for tourists, locals, and the zinc works up river. The Greater Hobart Area is home to approximately half of Tasmania's population (and all of it's literate population), while major industries include tourism, hospitality and fisheries. So basically whatever Australia does, but with a few more arse hairs.

History

The history of Hobart is hotly contested by two philosophical schools of thought:

1. Hobart was the child of an incestuous relationship between Melbourne and Geelong. Once Melbourne came out of labour, she dealt with her child of incest by, understandably, throwing it into the Bass Strait, deserting and spending the child support at the pokies. Many scholar's have found this argument compelling, as Hobart resembles both Melbourne's café and art culture and Geelong's lack of relevance to the rest of the country.
2. Hobart was created ex nihilo through an act of God to explain Australia's gun laws. John Howard asked the man upstairs to please, please, please make up some excuse for him to go tough on guns so he didn't just look like some soft cock version of Mr. Fredrickson from Pixar's Up. Since the 1990's, Hobart has earned a reputation for having the lowest reported incest cases in Australia.

A potent reminder that civilization may be brought to Hobart, but you could never bring Hobart to civilization.

Culture

Yucky Melbournites

If Melbourne was a 4K HD Samsung Television, manufactured in Xinjiang, China and produced in South Korea, that would probably make the news. If that were the case, Hobart would be a cardboard box with a cut out whole in it. Unsurprisingly, Hobart carries many of the same cultural elements of Australia's other capital cities; there's just fewer bogans, fewer burnouts, fewer mullets and fewer outrages at the Centrelink desk. With less people living in Hobart compared to any of the major cities, it's no wonder Hobartian's get a bit rowdy with their siblings.

Keep Tassie Wild

'Keep Tassie Wild' stickers are popular among many in Hobart and Australia more broadly; and by 'wild', they mean staying up past 9pm on a Friday night.

Cultural heritage sites

Despite this, Hobart has managed to carve out a unique cultural slice of the Australia's National Pie, and not without a fair shake of the sauce bottle. Hobart has delighted interstate travellers with it's impressive list of cultural sites. Hobart's Royal Botanical Gardens and the Salamanca Markets produce some of the city's greatest sites to see. See also Mount Smellington and the Museum of Old and New Farts (MONF).

Smelly Anca Markets

Help! They made robbery legal! The Salamanca Markets is a manifestation of the 'rustic effect'. It occurs when independent artists and other creative workshops rebrand a terrible midnight thought into a tree trunk round with a special engraving on it and charge $50. I am among those who believe this price is perfect, because anyone who's stupid enough to spend $50 on a log deserves to be robbed. The 'rustic effect' is analogous to what I've done with writing this article; include plenty of 'shits', 'cunts', 'old fogies' and 'incest' to make this article remotely resemble humour.

Museum of Old and New Farts (MONF)

Hobart's own Museum of Old and New Farts has always drawn attention from the national eye, whether it be exhibiting a fake Picasso in the women's-only bathroom or putting onto display are a literal shit machine. Cloaca, otherwise known as "Mechanical Anus" (which is not the name of a rock band), or simply, "the Terminator", is a futuristic machine/artwork that replicates the digestive system's deconstruction of food and is awaiting the judgement of John Connor. Perhaps MONF's most notorious display, Cloaca holds the record for the number of times a machine has literally shat itself. Public outrage directed towards Cloaca argues it does not fully replicate the digestive system by lacking a urinary tract. By extension, Cloaca gives people the shits but is certainly not taking the piss. Coincidentally, Hobart's most divisive artwork/machine is it's biggest employer. Around 10% of Hobartian's are employed in the industrial lines at the Cloaca, producing literal shit, whereas Hobart's remaining 90% of the population produce figurative shit whenever they open their mouth.

Mount Smellington

Mount Wellington (otherwise known as 'kunanyi' to Hobart's few enlightened) is a semi-conscious rock god. During the winter months, Wellington wraps herself in a cloud blanket to keep herself warm. Nasty tourists exploit her shivering by taking pictures of her without consent. To take her revenge, Mount Wellington will lure a family of 5 to the pinnacle in July and close the road off at the Springs just in time for a 10-inch snowfall blizzard. Besides the snowfall in winter, Mount Wellington is home to the popular Organ Pipes walking trail. Ideal for bushwalkers of all backgrounds - those new to hiking, seasoned walkers and those looking to dump a body - the Organ Pipes walking trail is one of Hobart's most prestigious trail.

View of kunanyi's iconic organ pipes. They can't even play Beethoven's Piano Sonata No. 14 in C-Sharp Minor

Smelltrelink

Centrelink on Barrack St is the arsehole of Hobart. Hobart is the arsehole of Tasmania. Tasmania is the arsehole of Australia. And this joke is overdone. You get the point. Few cultural sites in the world can claim the title 'great-grandarsehole of the world' like Hobart's Centrelink can. Only few contenders exist, such as a certain fast-food franchisee/religious site on Melville St.

Politics

Hobart's city council is comprised of a Lord Mayor and twelve councillors. The Hobart City Council has broad powers that impact the daily lives of the people of Hobart, including land rates, waste disposal and the price of a pack of Winnie Blues. This power is far-reaching for an institution of elected representatives, which for most Hobartian's couldn't give you a single name of a Hobart City councillor. A councillor could overdose on heroin and Mobic and still no one would know their name. This would, however, make Hobart City Council represent the people.

Notable political figures

Mad Cunt

Bob "mad cunt" Brown is a medical doctor, environmentalist, politician and King of the Forest Nation. He first ascended to the throne after bloody battle against Obnoxious Cunt had revved his chainsaw in the communist haven South Hobart. Seeing Dr. Brown engage in a political yapping session for 15 minutes with his neighbour about the dangers of deforestation to native flora, the Council of the Forest Nation (a wallaby with mange) proclaimed him king.

Since, Mad Cunt has lobbied for environmental action against State and Federal Governments through an organisation generously and selflessly named after himself.

Sick Cunt

Andrew "sick cunt" Wilkie was born in New South Wales, and is a politician and current Minister of Parliament for the seat of Clark in the Federal Parliament. As he was born and raised outside of Hobart, Wilkie is inherently endowed with powers that make him fit for ruling over the inferior local species, such as average IQ. Having represented the seat of Clark since 2010 (formerly known as Denison until 2019), Wilkie has gathered national attention for his anti-gambling stance, in particular, for his lobbying against the Federal Government to crack down on poker machines in Hobart. Success was announced on national television in September 2024, when a report came out detailing Tasmania as having the lowest gambling taxes across the nation. So much for average IQ; he's just like the rest of Hobartian's.

Hobart's Parliament House. Unfortunately, when the building was torched, Eric Abetz was not in the building.

Cunt

Erica Abetz is a politician, member of the Praetorian Guard, and co-founder of The Chaser. He was born in 1958 in Stuttgart, Germany to a family of Nazis. Later in life, Abetz carried the family torch by joining the Liberal Party. Abetz's work as a Praetorian Guard within the Liberal Party was to gatekeep his prime minister and lover, Tony Abbott, from any smooches coming from Malcolm Turnbull. It is also widely believed Abetz was behind Mr Abbott's decision to eat an onion while on campaign in Tassie; "Tony, onions are a delicacy of the native people." Although Abetz has denied that conversation took place: "I categorically deny the assertions made by the honourable gentleman, sir" (Hint: place emphasis on each work to achieve the 'Abetz' effect)

Obnoxious Cunt

Trevor "Trev", "Trevski", "Trevo", "Aye mothafuckah!" Smith, otherwise known as "obnoxious cunt", is the bloke next door who revs his chainsaw in the suburbs. He's not a political figure, but State and Local government's have lost landslide elections to "The Trev" effect.

Her Majesty, Queen Mary of Denmark

Mary Donaldson is the only Tasmanian to achieve anything of note. Trevor is her neighbour.

Economy

Agriculture

Agriculture in the Hobart Greater Area is largely concentrated in the Huon Valley. Occasionally referred to as "the Apple Isle" by mainlander's, the Huon Valley fits that description perfectly, as, just like a shopping isle, the Huon Valley is the perfect place to abandon a child.

Welfare Fraud

For the City of Hobart, the invention of the modern welfare state has provided a means for those lower down the social ladder to sustain their mullet-wearin', piss-drinkin' and tattoo-ridden arseholery. Vital businesses, such as Tatts Lotto, Wrest Point and BWS, are kept afloat by the massive injection of Commonwealth Funds into Hobart.

The role of welfare payments in Hobart is crucial, though we do not suggest committing welfare fraud: it's something we recommend. Hobartian's are naturally adept to welfare fraud: it is thought by the Great Charles Darwin that animals in need adapt to their physical surroundings to survive as a species. Indeed the local species inhabiting Hobart's Derwent Estuary adapted to their physical surroundings. Charles Darwin believed this growth of a second head in the Tasmanian species was in response to a growing desire to commit welfare fraud among the population.

Hobart's GDP often fluctuates. It is generally considered to be whatever David Walsh's gambling odds are

Funeral Services

Hobart's growing demand for funeral services has forced many local businesses to adapt to the ever-changing market. Drive-throughs are a popular method among funeral businesses to deal with Tasmania's aged problem. Want Nan and Pop's superannuation fund? Easy! No booking required. Just drive straight through! Simply locate your nearest drive-through funerary service and chuck the gramp's in the boot. Don't worry; just tell them you're all going to the pokies and we'll take care of the rest.

Cadbury's Chocolate Factory

Cadbury Chocolate's Visitor Centre closed on 18 December 2015. The day has been made a one of mourning for all Hobart, Cadbury fans and fancy schmancy Lindt chocolate wankers alike. Cadbury's 11 staff member's, who operated the visitor centre, were all laid off, leaving no home in Hobart unaffected by the job losses.

Hobart Eccentricities

Ten Commandments:

Below is God's original draft of the Ten Commandments that was granted to Queen Mary. Whatever Moses had was a cheap Chinese knock-off.

1. Thou shalt not use Federal Group's name in vain.
2. Food laws are tightly regulated in Hobart nursing homes. Anything spicier than the local Indian restaurant is considered attempted homicide.
3. Incest laws are relaxed. Data suggests this is the real reason mainlander's have moved to Hobart since the Covid-19 pandemic.
4. Euthanasia has been made legal, though I thought young people were already allowed into Asia.
5. Among those banned in the Criminal Code Act 1924 include homicide, embezzlement, sexual monogamy, affordable living and pretending you're top shit when you live in Montrose.
6. Theft is legal in situations when somebody keeps a $50 note in their transparent phone case.
7. Sandy Bay has been made illegal.
8. People who say they don't value money when they still live at home and have food bought for them are outlawed.
9. Scrolling on your phone and brushing your teeth doesn't count as 'multi-tasking'. This isn't illegal, I just hate these people.
10. Thou shalt create an original joke.

See also

• Old People
• Incest
• Tasmania
• Denmark

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