HowTo:Catch a Koala

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It's barely a bare but the Catholic Church have never had trouble getting hold of them.

Occasionally, koalas in the wild have to be captured for various reasons. It is nice to eat them or make koala fur slippers. Also, if you find koalas to be particularly attractive, you will want to have it be weighed, measured, and checked for chlamydia (a common disease among koalas). This way you know which koalas can give you chlamydia and utilize proper safe sex techniques.

You want to catch a koala? So what? It's a drowsy, cuddly furball! Wrong. Consider the following obstacles that can turn a koala catch into an adrenalin-pumping nightmare:

  • Rather sharp teeth designed to tear leaves off hunks of flesh.
  • 12-13 inch long, razor-sharp claws designed to rip your face off.
  • Despite their low metabolic rate, koalas can go into short bursts of panic mode and outrun any human, especially in a thick, dense forest.

Equipment[edit | edit source]

What follows is the Australian government-approved method of catching a koala, meaning it will cause the least possible disturbance for the animal. (We wouldn’t want to upset the cuddly koalas, now would we?)

You will need about 3-5 people and the following equipment:

  • a tranquilizer gun
  • helmets and gloves
  • 1 or 2 lightweight telescope poles extending to 15-20ft, with a colored flag attached to the tip
  • Eucalyptus
  • 6-12 emergency flares
  • Vaseline
  • Steel reinforced koala-capturing cage
  • A good Understanding of Calqulus (the koala will most likely quiz you)
  • The Holy Grail
  • A fucking awesome hand of awesomeness
  • Ten horses
  • maybe ten horses more
  • A book (the koala might be geeky)

Once you have dragged all this stuff into the bush and located the animal, you're ready to go!

Have one or two people get a pole with a flag. Arrange the others around the base of the tree, preferably covering potential escape routes (mainly other nearby trees).

Methodology[edit | edit source]

If the koala is high up in the tree, someone lights flares and throws them into the tree until the animal can be properly started. Then, the objective is to wave the flags in the face of the koala. Their instinctive reaction is to back off down the tree and come to kill you. Once it is halfway down the tree, the person on the ground with the other pole takes over. When the koala is about 5ft above ground level, one of the people around the tree jumps forward and grabs the chest of the beast. The other hand goes to the butt to support the weight. If done properly, the koala will try to bite and slash, but it won't be able to reach the person holding it. If you miss the right moment, the animal will be too far down the tree, jump to the ground or straight to a nearby tree and make a run for it. If this happens, shoot it with a tranquilizer dart or coax it to come back with complements on its furry ears. Koalas simply relish in the fact that they have soft, furry ears.

Steer the koala into the cage full of coconuts, butter and eucalyptus leaves.

You will have to anesthetize the koala with tranquilizers unless you want to get your face slashed and get killed brutally.

Now, releasing it again is a whole different story…

Remember catch koalas responsibly.